A Record Of My Passage

a prayer request

2007-12-13T14:25:00.001+07:00

My friend Heathe r requested this for her friend Kate over at A Brain Tumor Story.

Kate is having another brain surgery today at 11 am to remove the right front lobe of her brain. I want to have people praying for her and her surgical team during that time, but also praying for her husband and her little boys. Her mom is taking care of the boys while she recovers, so she needs our prayers too.

Also, I would like to spread the word today. If you feel so led, will you make a post about it on your blog.

She has graciously put a list of specific prayer requests on her blog for every individual in her family.

Thank you.

for things we can't control...

2007-12-12T08:58:00.001+07:00

We had a dinner meeting last night with our agent. He relayed how bad his days had been these past few days. And how he wanted to end the problem that he wanted the next day not to break anymore. That tomorrow never comes.

With all his might he wanted to solve the problem but he just can’t. There are no visible solutions so far despite his efforts. And he feels so ashamed. This shame is consuming him. I told him, there are really things we just can not solve and face on our own. There are really times when our efforts and knowledge just won’t suffice. These are the times when we just have to pause and trust HIM. I told him that tomorrow is gonna be a brand new day; that even if there seems to be no solution to the problem, there really are solutions. We just have to trust HIM and wait. Patiently.

But he said he’s not a Christian and that he has no GOD so he only has himself and no one else.

He said He wanted to end things. He made sounds of bombs. And said that with it, problem ends.

How very sad is it for people who do not acknowledge that GOD exists? How very sad is it for people to only trust on their own knowledge and capabilities and give up when things are beyond their control, when it’s a shame not to meet other people’s standards, when the pain is too much to bear?

The pain. The burden. When these are too much to handle, we can let go of them. The reason why they are breaking us up is that we do not give them up to The One who is in control. We hold them dear until they consume our being.

Ain’t it wonderful to know that Someone stands still when all else has fallen? He is the pilot, the driver. He is in control. He knows exactly which way to go. We are merely passengers. We can only take the ride and see as far as our eyes can see. Beyond that, are surprises. When we can not see, we just have to trust. Why not?

random thoughts

2007-12-07T10:07:00.000+07:00

(1) There’s a difference between struggling to do right and automatically (yes, without pondering) doing wrong (as if it is what is right). Just like giving up without even (or thinking of) giving a try?

(2) We sin by doing something and yet still sin by not doing something (when it is called for). This is called the sin of commission and omission.

(3) The world changes its norms and standards. Yet the truth remains the truth, though its popularity fades (and gets overwritten) with time.

(4) Happiness isn’t directly proportional to righteousness. I can be happy and/or cause someone to be happy (and seem not to hurt anyone) by doing something stupid.

explaining those tears

2007-12-02T19:05:00.000+07:00

The sight of Christmas decorations at the church brought joy to my heart. It’s Christmas. So soon. Everyone were in their most cheerful faces.

We were starting the Service by singing “Hark The Herald” followed by “The First Noel“, both in Japanese version.

“Noel Noel born is the King of Israel….“

Tears came running down my cheeks. The hurt. The pain. It’s all coming back. The song. It reminded me of how we attended Dawn Holy Masses (every year) days before the breaking of the 25th of December, together, as a family; of how we sat beside each other singing praises and saying our prayers. This reminded me of us. And it hurts. Still. Because, now, the “us” is incomplete, because he’s missing. My dad. And no matter how hard i divert my attention to some relieving thoughts, there was no escape.

So, I let my heart’s sweat (tears) out, tried my best not to create any noise.

The song. The sound of it brings joy. Yet it shatters my heart.

God… it ain’t gonna be the same.

how to spell Christmas?

2007-11-28T08:37:00.000+07:00

My heart bleeds everytime I see this written "Xmas" to denote Christmas. The reason? The most important word inside the word is being replaced with an X. Don't you think it's unfair to the person Himself?

Would it be ok for you to have your name replaced with an X or any letter (that sounds like a good replacement for the lost word/name)? Say for example, Rose's Birthday = X's Birthday. Isn't it weird? It's like you don't know the person. It's like a birthday of someone unknown.

Admittedly, I also used the shortcut. Quiet often. But since my Algebra teacher pointed this out, I became more careful. X in Algebra usually represents an unknown. And replacing "Christ" with an "X" makes Him Someone unknown.

Indeed. And even if you don't know Algebra, you would know that replacing your name with a letter that sounds like it would make you appear someone the other person does not know.

Why have a (grand) celebration for someone you don't know (at least by name)?

who is the Messiah?

2007-11-20T12:17:00.000+07:00

Sometimes, I wonder who he thinks the Messiah is, Jesus or me.*

for the sake of those who desired to understand this entry but just couldn't coz i originally posted in my dialect, here's the english version. my dialect version, deleted.

This is so true. Sometimes a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the Lord to some. That's why those who don't usually go to places of worship start to go with their partner when they start to get into a relationship. If the partner doesn't go, the one who doesn't normally go, doesn't also go. If the relationship ends, going to places of worship also stops.

*taken from the book "Boundaries Before Marriage"

the art of saving

2007-11-16T08:40:00.001+07:00

Never spend beyond what you earn. This is my golden rule when it comes to money.

Our Math teachers taught us a lot of complicated formulas to solve complicated problems. Yet, they never taught us that what works wonders to financial stability is simply subtraction.
Savings = Income - Expenses

Sure we all know how to subtract. It's way too simple that we tend to ignore its relationship to our financial world.

a debt we can not fully pay

2007-11-15T14:04:00.000+07:00

Why is love a debt that can never be fully paid?

because it is something we should never stop doing. if it is something we could fully pay then it's something that we cease doing.

9 months since

2007-11-14T14:14:00.001+07:00

I can't believe it's exactly 9 months since i last posted in here. And what a coincidence, it's also a Wednesday.

Soon I will be celebrating my anniversary here in Japan. Time flies so fast. I wonder if I was able to keep pace with time. Were you?

It seems to me like there are goals missed along the way. Could be because I wasn't so focused. Should be that!

I am thinking about resurrecting this page. hmnn.... (@_@). will you come follow me?

just so you know...

2007-01-01T13:19:00.000+07:00

this morning, i cried.

i was sleeping all so well. i slept at around 3a.m. It's New Year! it's only me and housemate in our pad. we didn't go out to join any countdown nor eat a grand meal; we only had pancit canton (3 packs of it) and 4 sticks of chicken barbeque. we hugged each other and jumped when the clock hit 12:00. it's new year! it sure is. then we ate our humble meal with pride. i knew i was happy but then, i knew there were these thoughts i didn't want to entertain in my mind. i remember things but quickly snap away with it.

housemate's lonely about not being able to spend the christmas and new year back home. it's odd though, but i don't feel the same way. it's not that i don't wanna spend the season back home; it is that, it's ok if i spend it there and ok if i don't. it's like, i don't really care. it's like, it doesn't matter much.

i personally, don't feel it's odd of me to feel this way. but when i try to compare my feelings with those of my friends' i know my feelings are odd. when friends back home email and send me messages saying, "i know you wanted so much to be back home and celebrate christmas and new year with your family, but you can do it there...", my mind says, "i don't really!. it's just a day or two. it's just like any ordinary day."

honestly, i didn't wanna answer myself why i didn't really like being home celebrating the season. i avoid thinking about the very reason why. until this morning.

8:00 a.m. and i was yet sleeping. i was dreaming. i had 2 different stories in my dreams. one immediately after the other. the later one helped me conclude the very reason why i am feeling odd.

remember that i told you my dad died of liver cancer? remember it was feb 22, 2006 that he left us? and remember we got the shock of our lives on december 22, 2005 knowing that chemotherapy won't work for him anymore? remember that i told you that we had christmas inside his room at the hospital and had new year back home? the worst one ever. because dad was on his sick bed and we were all musing him, helplessly. oh, i think i said it all.

that's it. that's all about it.

in my dream there was mom, dad, my sister (eldest), her mother-in-law and her bro-in law. the setting was our farm, the one opposite to our old house. all of us knew my father was soon leaving. we were talking about how stubborn dad was (about drinking alcohol) and how he treated us when he's drank. he said he was sorry. no one cried. i was holding my tears and holding words... but listening so deeply. i was just digging the soil, taking sweet potatoes and throwing it to some places. then, i find myself, saying a word. no tears. then i stopped digging. then i said a lot of words. then shed lot of tears. i told him those words that say "if only...". i told my dad... all my feelings... all the if only's. if only he listened to me/us... if only he took care of himself... i asked him lots of why's...i knew there were no answers. i didn't want answers, anyway. i just wanna say words, say how i felt - that i love him and somehow, i wished, he loved us back...enough, to at least take good care of himself to see us through all this time, to see how we slowly reach our dreams, to see his first grandchild- that little baby that my sister is holding...

i asked why he had to go. i promised him i'll take him and mom to japan... to where i am right now. and he was so excited about it. and so was i. i told him i'll buy us a car. and i'll drive him to work and we'll shop a lot. like he always wanted. and we'll stay in hotels and eat all those foods he always longed to eat. we'll do it. like rich people do. he dreamed of it. and i'll fulfill it for him.

but now, he's gone. i feel bad. i feel so bad. i always wanted to make him and mom happy; to make his and our dreams come true; to pay-off his (and mom's) hardwork for us. i always wanted to stroll around malls and eat on restaurants with all of us, with him, especially... because he always smiled when he's brought to dine at some fancy restaurants.

when i woke up, the tears were real. up to this point. and i remember everything. and i feel bad. and i feel so sorry. and i know for sure, christmas and new year will never ever be the same. not ever.

(i am not saying that he didn't love us. he sure did. but not taking good care of his ownself, makes, for me, his love for us, a lot less. don't you think so? when you love some people, you should take good care of yourself to be with them longer, right? because when you love someone, you wanna be with that someone, physically, for a long time. )

series and movies keep me busy

2006-12-13T15:29:00.000+07:00

It's been three weeks since I came here. I'm not reporting for work yet but I do have interviews once per week.

Wonder what I've been doing with my free time? I've been watching series and movies I've never cared to watch before. So, here goes my list:

Series:
(1) Hana Yori Dango - Girl Over Boys, that is. I love this series. This is a story of a commoner studying in a school for elite people. Masako Tsukushi, that's her name. I tell you, she is sooo TOUGH. Thus, guys pretending to be tough fell for her. I love to be like her.

(2) Gokusen 2 - This is a story of a classroom teacher who is very concern about her students. She is not the usual teacher. She is the granddaughter of a Yakusa master. She doesn't want to lead the next generation's Yakusa though. She wanted to live her own life and her grandfather approves of all her desires. She is loved by everyone around her. She is really really QUICK at fighting but she doesn't brag of it. She protects he students from dangers and temptations and tries so hard to guide them to the right path. I envied her for she never gave up on her students especially those who don't seem to have the heart and do not even care for their own selves. It touches me deeply how she puts her heart and soul into what she considered her vocation. Man, this makes me cry!

(3) Prison Break - I never thought I wanted this series. I've seen officemates during lunch time watching this. I didn't mind at all how nice this series is. It catched my attention and captured my heart. Why not? From the cast to the story.... everything is REALLY EXCELLENT. And oh, did I mention I love Wentworth Miller? How could I forget that? He's such a cute guy with tantalizing eyes. Back to the story... I feel extremely bothered at how some people allow people to use them to the extent of ruining their lives endlessly.

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it different." (Alex Malone)- This is so striking. Sad though, because, we don't always have a second chance. At some point in our lives, there's no path that leads us back to where we wanna start things all over again and we're so screwed up!

Movies:
(1) Cast Away

(2) Pride and Prejudice

(3) A Walk To Remember

(4) Message In a Bottle

(5) The Notebook

i hate it

2006-12-08T10:51:00.000+07:00

i hate it when you smile.
i hate it when you frown.

i hate it when you crawl.
i hate it when you run.

i hate it when you stare.
i hate it when you close your eyes.

i hate it whe you talk.
i hate it when you're silent.

i hate it when you're dumb.
i hate it when you're wise.

i hate everything that you are.
i hate everything that you do.

i hate everything about you.
i hate it coz i love you.

damn... how i wish you know!

how coud you exist without knowing that i do?
how could you live without being mine?
how could you?

They say that love is shared by two, but why can't i share it with you?

Sunday Blooper

2006-12-03T18:26:00.000+07:00

It's Sunday and we're to go to Church together with Romsil. 9:00 a.m., as agreed, we'll meet at Shin-Osaka eki because we don't know the place. 8:45, we texted Romsil that we're leaving the pad. However, Romsil wasn't ready yet so, he texted Raneil to pick us up instead.

9:02, we arrived at the station and then got Raneil's call. He'll be riding a train that will pass by Shin-Osaka station and then we'll go ride with that train he's in. The train will arrive at our station at 9:13 so off we went to the platform we thought the train will pass through. 9:13, we're there. Alas! The train arrived on time but exactly at the opposite platform where we stood.

Phone rings.

Raneil: Come on in. Where are you?

Me: Sorry, we're on the wrong platform. But we'll try hard to run and catch the train.

Raneil: Ok.

We ran to the elevator up and down as fast as we could, barely breathing. Yahooooo, we're just on time. Yatta! At just about a second the train closes and runs.

Phone rings.

Me: Hi Rans! We did it! Which car are you in?

Raneil: I went off. I thought you're not making it.

Funny. We're ahead now of the one who's supposed to pick us up.

it's like winning lotto

2006-12-01T19:16:00.000+07:00

it will take about 2 months to get an internet connection. why? because the Alien Registration Card (ARC)is a requirement for that. ARC's are released after almost a month after application. Then we'll have to apply for a net connection and then we'll wait for about a month for it to be approved, thus, for us to finally get the connection.

we've got nothing much to do since arrival and we didn't want to go to places because it's already winter. it's damn too cold. so, we usually stay at our pad and watch downloaded tv series (courtesy of senpai ideru). when our friends arrive from work, usually 11 pm, we go to their pads (pad A: 20-minute walk back and forth, pad B: 30-minute walk back and forth.), bring our heavy laptops and suffer from the freezingly cold winter breeze just to send and check mails and chat with friends.

well, it's boring without the internet, especially on winter and you're not working for quiet a long time.

tried checking wireless connections inside our pad. there is one signal scanned but that signal has a password. and yeah, i wasn't able to guess it right. asa pa!

friday, time to check mails again. dear friend arrived from work already. so, carrying our heavy laptops, we went out of ourpad. what if i check the wireless net connection outside our pad? meaning, when the door is wide open. so, i turned on my laptop, opened the door and stood by the doorway. I had intel wireless device scan for signals. There.... there... one by one dear laptop is listing the wireless connections it detected, one with security password, the other without. So, i tried connecting to the one without a password. It's slowly scanning and acquiring Network name and IP address.

i launched ym and signed it in. Happy! We were shouting... It's like we won the lotto. We were jumping and then proceeded outside our pads and checked mails. I went up to the topmost floor to get a good signal and standing still, i continued replying to mails, until i ran out of batt while by whole body is shaking from the coldness and i felt i had to urinate.

damn... that was great! despite feeling really really cold, i was happy.

my hands were freezing and my knees were shaking really bad when i entered my room. i plugged the AC power, opened my window and placed my laptop on the opened window. scanned for signal again. it worked. i kneel on my futon and typed and typed again.

i sure looked so funny. but, i didn't care.

pakapin:

* thanks to pai's suggestion of checking signals outside our pad.

* "we" in this entry refers to me and my padmate

* it took us two weeks to realize that we need not travel to get connected

What makes a woman pretty?

2006-11-27T17:06:00.000+07:00

I wanted to meet a friend's girlfriend. Then another friend asked in eagerness, "is she pretty?".

"She has great personality" came the reply.

Then we met that girl. She was warm and cool. I thought about how old she could be. Then we spent time together. For hours, we get along together. We chat and eat. We became friends.
Then, I remember the question that was asked, "Is she pretty?". Oh, I guess she is. Being beautiful doesn't come from the outside, it comes from the inside. And when you are beautiful inside, you are beautiful inside and out.

Great. Great. She is pretty. Every woman is truly pretty only when she is pretty in the inside. A woman is pretty only when she is easy to deal with, when she acts and speaks wisely and when she is true to herself and to those surrounding her. Being beautiful externally is just a plus to being internally beautiful. The same is true with men.

Reason, maybe, why some externally beautiful women settle for externally not so beautiful men (and vice versa). Perhaps those men are far more beautiful than those women they are with. Who knows?

Acrophobic On Duty

2006-11-25T17:11:00.000+07:00

This is me and dear bossing on the skyway. We are both acrophobic, reason why we look like that. I thought it was fun crossing the skyway (which is about a hundred meters above the ground and nothing else below it except the ground). When I started putting my feet on the floor, I felt a little dizzy (murag hubog) and then we rushed to the comfort room when we reached halfway. We gave up; couldn't make it, so we turned left and used the elevator instead. Supposed to be a cool experience but it turned to be a scary one.

Yep, I am smiling but my hands are gripping tightly while bossing dear is hurriedly crossing to get to the nearby elevator. Hehe...

Drank For the First Time

2006-11-23T16:33:00.000+07:00

I have never tried drinking a glass of alcohol. I tried sipping margaretta once though but haven't really consumed a glass.

After meeting employer officials, my boss brought me (and dear friend) to a bar under the train station. He knew that I do not drink alcoholic drinks but tried to challenge me on having one. So I did. I ordered a glass of green apple sour and enjoyed drinking it. I consumed a glass of it in less than 5 minutes of sipping. I thought I was okay but when I went to the comfort room, I felt dizzy. "This is it! I'm drank." For the first time in my entire existence, I felt I was drank. I thought that sour drinks are just soft ones. It sure is, but I am not used to it so, sorry me.

My boss challenged me to get another drink and drank as I am, I took the challenge. I ordered a glass of grape sour. Crazy me. I gulped once and then went to the comfort room at least five times feeling dizzy. I gave up. I gave the glass to my boss feeling I could not make it anymore. I thought I wouldn't be able to arrive home if I keep drinking.

I really felt so dizzy. Funny though coz it's just a sour drink and it has maybe, just a splash of alcohol in it. But then again, it's my first and I have no plans of putting myself into shame or disgrace or whatever. I can only go as far as I can handle myself.

To Enter Or Not To Enter Japan

2006-11-20T16:15:00.000+07:00

Everything was set and ready. I've said my goodbyes and hugged my loved ones. I'll see them in a year. That's not quiet long. I've shed my tears. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. That's hurting me and those I am leaving.

My family sent me off to the airport and as early as 5:00 a.m we're already there. After checking in my luggage I went back to hug and kiss them all goodbye. PAINFUL. It always is. One year could either be long or short. But I told my mom, it is SHORT. I can handle myself and they could trust me on that.

Tears came rolling down while I set my butt on the airplane seat. It's normal. Then I reprogrammed my mind. It's gonna be fun in Japan. It will be fun as long as I want it to be fun. It all depends on me. I should be happy wherever I go. That's just about it. That's just about setting my mind. I shall not think of who and what's not with me but of who and what is with me. I shall learn to live with it. It is my choice.

Waited for about 6 hours in Manila airport before I set my foot to PAL bound for Osaka Japan. That was it. That was farewell to the Philippines and those I hold dear to my heart. Texting. Texting. Last farewell messages came in and out.

Arrived at around 7pm (Japan time) in Japan. Landed safely. SURPRISE. SURPRISE. The immigration officer, upon checking my papers, noticed my COE (Certificate of Eligibility) to had expired a month ago already. So there. Problem began. I was brought inside the immigration office inside the airport by an immigration officer. I was explained that my paper is already invalid. The landing permission has expired. And yeah, I knew it but didn't mind it. I was interviewed - what kind of job I will be doing, what's the employer's name and contact number, etc. They googled my employer's company profile and then had to ask me again several questions. The contact number I gave can't be reached because it's already beyond office hours. So, I was asked for my employer's mobile number. Gosh! I stored in on my mobile phone only and I thought I had no battery anymore. I consumed it while I was in the Philippines saying goodbyes and the like.

Tried to turn my mobile phone and ALAS! it turns on. For a while, the SIM didn't seem to work. I can't browse numbers. And of course, I had no signal for it's not a roaming SIM. Tried again after a minute and then it worked. I got my boss's mobile number and gave it to the officer and then he contacted him. After some explanations, I was released from the immigration office and was allowed to enter Japan.

Huh! It scared me. I did have my farewell party already and freed my treasured career only to be back before I even landed properly here. That's a lot of shame.

Praise GOD!

Farewell Message

2006-11-17T19:44:00.000+07:00

Incredibly, this is my last day of work as a System Engineer at EPSON.

I would like to thank so many people for being such good colleagues and advisers. Not least of course, the Multimedia team who have been such good workmates and friends.

I have enjoyed my two and a half years of stay here and I think it is very timely for me to take off and get ready for new challenges ahead. I'm goin' home tonight and will wake up differently tomorrow and more differently in the days to come. I shall miss you guys and this workplace. I shall miss the laughter and the tears. Sure, I will.

I am so sorry for the mistakes I made; for not being the one I was expected to be; for saying/doing things that might have hurt you; for not saying anything when I should have.

I thank you so much for being a part of this journey of mine. You have all contributed to how i live my everyday; to who I am right now. You have been inspirations to me, whether you pushed or pulled me.

Life keeps movin' and so do we. So, goodbye for now and see you again someday. I wish, by then, we could still recognize each other and exchange warmer smiles and louder hello's.

I wish the best of luck for the present and future members of EPSON.

laughing a lot, crying a little...

2006-11-08T17:18:00.000+07:00

It's a whole day seminar (7:30-5:00). I thought it would be very boring. I was soo wrong.

They had wonderful speakers. Really good ones. Not that they have good accent or good pronunciations but that they discuss subjects in a way that attracts listeners. They are not the bookish-type ones. They do not speak with respect to theories or reading materials, although research results have been mentioned where necessary. I so love every bit of the seminar. I have learned a lot. I thought about attending the seminar as simply completing a requirement. I thought it will only be a review of what I already know.

It is a priviledge being there. I laughed a lot, cried a little.

The following are what I have learned from the speakers and may only be true/applicable to my country and fellowmen:

on the OCW and his dependents:

(1) that the decision to go abroad must be approved by loved ones (especially by the husband/wife for the married ones). without their approval, it's foreseen that even little problems during the OCW's stay abroad could cause a big fight.
(2) that the dependents of the OCW have the tendency to consider the worker as a source of income more than a dear one. and that when they call, they are more up to remittances rather than the worker's condition. huh!
(3) that married siblings (and relatives) of the OCW will, most likely, ask for financial support from the OCW for their own children's needs such as education and hospitalization and this ask for help will become the OCW's responsibility rather than a choice because he becomes selfish if he cease helping.
(4) that the OCW should have concrete plans for his going abroad rather than simply thinking about it because he doesn't get to realize dreams which are only written on the head
(5) that the OCW should share his dreams to his dependents especially to the allotee so that they know how to spend their allotment wisely in harmony with the worker's dreams.
(6) that if the OCW keeps to himself his plans, the dependents, will most likely splurge the money he sends thinking it was easy for him to earn them.
(7) that when the OCW returns home, he realizes that he needs to go back abroad rather than stay with his family for good because he has no savings and going abroad will be a cycle.

on the philippines and the filipinos working abroad:

(1) that the philippines used to be a nice place and a developed country next to japan during the 1950's.
(2) had the filipinos who lived before, maintained the economic stability, the philippines could have been far better than it is right now.
(3) that it would have been other races serving for filipinos rather than filipinos serving for other races. that inside a filipino's home is an imported DH rather than a filipino being a DH abroad.
(4) that these days, filipinos are used as front-ends of jobs abroad especially dangerous ones. filipinos are the ones using harmful chemicals in a factory. if the filipino gets himself damaged by those chemicals, then he's sent back to the philippines for he's no longer useful and another filipino takes his place.
(5) that testing of harmful chemicals is done by filipinos before a company concludes whether it's good or bad to use.
(6) that filipino nurses are the ones assigned to take care of the patients suffering from communicable and non-curable diseases so that only the filipinos are exposed to the virus.
(7) that domestic helpers are prone to being raped and abused by employers

on HIV/AIDS:

(1) that HIV/AIDS could be transferred to any person without him expecting it for he could get it in 3 ways - the usual way, drug injection and blood transfusion.
(2) that SEAMEN are highest number of persons who get HIV/AIDS
(3) that the number 2 among those who acquired HIV are the DHs, 3rd are the entertainers
(4) that HIV positive persons should never be discriminated because they are not harmful ones and because, there is a law that protects them.
(5) that if you get the HIV, you can live for a lot more years if you have Php30,000-60,000/month for the A.R.V (forget what this means, but this is to guard the immune system from being attacked by the virus, not a cure).

and why did i laugh a lot and cry a little? i laughed because, the speakers were so funny while delivering realities and i cry a little because the speaker who delivered the HIV/AIDS topic who was the funniest of them all ended up his discussion with...
"In front of you is an HIV victim. Guess you never realized that!"

[Some lessons are learned the hard way.]

Someone New, Something New

2006-11-06T10:54:00.000+07:00

October 28, 2006 (Sat, 12MN)

Sister R called up informing me and mom that my sister S is already experiencing labor pains and they're already on their way to the maternity hospital. I woke my mom up and she rushed to get the box of baby clothes which she and BIL (bro-in-law) prepared months ago. She then woke my cousin up to drive her and sister R to some place where they could get a taxi to the hospital. 12:10, I texted sister S to give her encouragement and support. 1:45, she texted me back, she delivered the baby safely.

That fast.

October 29, 2006 (Sun)

They left the hospital and went to their home-sweet-home.

October 30, 2006 (Mon)

Off they come to our house. Sister S will need my mom's aid especially when my BIL's out and workin'. And so, there goes all of us, around the baby's crib, watching her every move, taking note of her features and to whom are each a copy of. 8 months after my dad left, she came. somehow, like a replacement of the one we lost. but it could have been merrier with dad around. he had been looking forward to see his grandchild. too bad, he's not here anymore. too bad, he can't hold those little hands and feet nor hear those little voice that cries when she's wet and hungry and smiles when she's tickled.

Sheina Denise Nicole. That's her name; the angel who breaks the silence and replaces it with laughter.

That deafening silence is all over.

[I realized that all babies are beautiful. They are innocent ones. They are angels. They are blank pieces of white papers. What parents decide to write on those papers will be a REALLY big factor on how they grow up.]

series of events

2006-10-25T14:16:00.000+07:00

October 12, 2006

Last Tuesday, I decided to reject the job offer of company A and chose to rather wait for the certificate coming from company B because I felt I prefer to work for company B better than company A. The reason is the considerable difference in the amount of pay. The hardest thing about having made this decision is that company B may not be able to get my certificate approved by the Immigration Bureau and therefore, I may end up not be able to work for any of these two companies. The certificate I have with company A is soon to expire and after that, I shall wait in wonder whether I will be able to receive a certificate sponsored by company B or not. The certainty level is high at 95%, but 5% is such a number still.

I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I emailed company A rejecting the offer and emailed company B accepting the offer. Company A reacted immediately while company B was late to react. Having appreciated company A's effort to convince me and not having received any reply from company B made me decide, perhaps I shall go for company A. I made a decision again. I was convinced and was afraid again of the 5% failure that might happen if I choose company B. Company B later emailed and convinced that I do not go for company A. But I already did. And by that time, I wasn't anymore open to changing my mind. That's already a lot of decisions over a single thing in a week. That's too much. So, I go for what was certain at the time.

October 16, 2006

I went to apply for a working visa and crossed my fingers again for its approval after 3 working days. Considering the many unsure decisions I have made, I told the Lord that if it's HIS will that I'd go for company A then my visa will be approved, if not, then, I shall wait for company B's certificate or perhaps, work for my current employer for more years and be with my family.

October 19, 2006

I got butterflies on my stomach when I went to claim my passport - it could either have or not have a new entry (a visa). I thought I wanted the visa but was willing to accept the Lord's will for, in the first place, I wasn't sure of my decision. And yes, the Lord wills it. I got an approved single-entry working visa. Right there and then, the thought of being away from my family (esp. mom) and friends sank in. I cried realizing I really have to be away. That was the only moment during my job hunting that I felt the loneliness of being away. Oh, how I worry about my mom living without dad and me. This is sure tough.

I texted my sisters and informed them of my decision. They wanted me to stay, to accompany my mom but whatever I would decide on, they're up to it. I told my mom about everything and my decision and she told me that wherever my heart is, she's supporting me. So, there, things got okay with my family.

October 20, 2006

I scheduled this day to be the day I'll notify my employer about my career decision. I got up early for I was scheduled to have a meeting prior to reporting for work. I left the house 7 a.m. Unfortunately, I met a motorcycle accident 5 minutes after I left the house. The driver did apply a sudden hand brake while we're going down a steep road. It isn't supposed to be that way. In just a blink of an eye, we were on the ground- the driver and me. I felt the pain on my foot, leg and face. I thought, maybe, the Lord did not want me to resign. I got scratches on my right knee, right cheek, right wrist and right chest. I got a little bone dislocation on my right foot and right arm. Real bad! My sister scolded the driver for not driving safely and carefully. I got first aid, put a blush-on on my left cheek to balance the redness on my right cheek, then concealer on top of both cheeks then headed for the meeting, late. Later, my mom called and was crying really bad. She worried what happened to me. After I assured her that I was okay and whole, though with minor scratches and little discomfort on my right leg and arm, she ceased crying. My sisters were texting me in worry. I went to work, submitted my resignation letter, did a little work and then went back home with my mom and sis picking me up. Both felt so relieved seeing me.

Narrations of how it happened were done during dinner. Mom, all my sisters and brother-in-law were there, feeling for me, feeling furious at the driver and appreciating the way I handled the situation. All of them got really furious at the driver. I felt so loved. Even with the accident, I knew I was lucky still. I am whole and fine. My wounds can heal in time. I felt better. I knew I was safe. NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

deal or no deal?

2006-10-10T20:06:00.000+07:00

i was so quick at making decisions today. last night, my decision was the exact opposite of the decision i did make this morning. and then i went to an office and then went out and then off i went to work. and then at work, after a few chat with people i call advisers, i changed my mind again for i know their suggestions were exactly what i thought before i changed my mind. so, i redecided and take back what i have already thought i decided. i will go back to that place where i went this morning. that was it. that was final. and then emailed a friend. and that email, makes another decision. and now, the final decision became not final at all. now, the final decision, is indeed, the exact opposite of what i had decided to be final this morning and last night.

i don't know if i am going to regret having decided on this. this is like the "deal or no deal" game show. i chose to say "no deal". of course, i am blind of what's inside the briefcase i chose. i am blind of what's in store for me. i just believe i should say "no deal". and yes, i did not make a deal. final decision. final answer. this time, i couldn't change my mind anymore.

why couldn't we see what lies ahead? at least once in a while... when we are so unsure of the choices we make and that choice is so damn important to us. why couldn't we see what's in store for us? so that we know what course of actions to take. so that we are sure of the choices we make...

yeah, i know, not knowing makes life a little more exciting. but sometimes, it gets super exciting that i cannot breath and it would be nice if we know ahead....

my head's aching. and yet, there's not a single point of regret. not yet. this is either all or nothing because i chose not to receive a part of what i want. i chose to get what i really feel in my heart i want. sure, i could be wrong. and i am beginning to worry if that happens. should i?

how sad!

2006-10-05T14:56:00.000+07:00

"sometimes, i wonder if the only reason why you exist is that i am not willing to let you go."

pakapin: kinawat ni nako.

mata aimasho, Sir Flynn

2006-09-29T10:32:00.000+07:00

I used to call him "Sir Flynn". He was our Human Resource Personnel. He was the one who interviewed me before I got into this company. He used to never believe in the existence of God. Atheist. Perhaps, because, there were questions inside of him that he couldn't find answers to. We used to argue on some things, about faith and GOD. But I can't convince Him because I couldn't explain in depth that FAITH i have. He's used to finding proofs on things and seeking concrete explanations to his enquiries. Most intelligent people are like that. And yet, faith is something that can not be explained and transfered. Believing without really seeing is really hard. And it is a personal decision. It sure is. Then things changed. He became a Japanese interpreter from being an HR Personnel. Actually, he used to do both jobs. We all stumble once in a while. I guess, that's what happened to him. He stumbled. Did he really? I am not so sure. Some mistakes are measured by man's standards. But the guilt is dependent on our motives for committing them. People stop calling him "sir", maybe because, he's not anymore the HR Personnel but an interpreter. Or maybe, because of something else. I don't know. I still call him "sir". I feel it is my way of showing I respect him still. And because, that mistake wasn't enough to make me respect him less. I do have my mistakes too. Perhaps, worse than his'. But life is a continuous process of committing mistakes and learning from them. Certain things changed. And it's always like that. Things, persons, circumstances do change. He's now a Christian, someone who has a deeper relationship with God than I do. I am envious. I used to believe I do have a better relationship with God than he does. It used to be that way, right, sir Flynn? I'm so amazed that he's reached that far, grown that far. I wish him all the best in life, for always. I will always remember being prayed by you (and bes Ax) during those times in my life when I was so down and wrecked. Thank You so much! Indeed God will never ask us what type of dress we wore, car we rode, job we did or house we lived in. He'll ask more sensible questions. I am happy for you and the decisions that you make. God bless your soul. May you become a virus and that you keep infecting other people's hearts. Bye for now, Sir Flynn.

Mata au ka dou ka wakaranai ne. Kokoro no soko kara, arigatou. Ganbatte.

shut up!

2006-09-27T15:09:00.000+07:00

sometimes you feel that all the world's against you... all circumstances don't seem to be with you... everything seems a mess. everything.

this is what i felt because some people are so busy minding me...pulling me...stepping on me.

some people just can't mind their own business. hmnn....because their main business is that of minding other people's business?

to them i say: HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INSINUATE THAT I CAN TOLERATE A DIABOLICAL INSULT COMING FROM A MERE SCRAP OF SOCIETY SUCH AS YOU. IF YOU PERSIST TO CONTINUE SUCH ANNOYANCE THEN I SHALL BE FORCED TO COMPEL AND SUM UP ALL MY PHYSICAL FORCES TO PULVERIZE YOU.

the reason why some people are not successful is that they get so busy minding other people's business, thinking they will get their share. naah! dream on...
heck, i'm damn so affected.

letting it slip away

2006-09-21T14:04:00.000+07:00

i have always wanted to go back abroad to work and earn higher. staying here would only let me buy my needs and never my wants.

i've tried a number of times and often got accepted. and yet, i have to think deeply of my priorities. several things stop me and the topmost is, my mama would be alone if i leave because my sisters are already married and are having their own homes. my younger sister is with our eldest sister whose hubby is working abroad so she can't be with my mama.

there it goes... my big worry. don't you just think i worry so much about my mama? oh! she worries even more for me than i do for her (as every mom does).

and so, for now, i think i'd stay and enjoy what i have. i will have to think again when better opportunities come my way. i'll kiss this opportunity goodbye for now.

keeping the strength

2006-09-06T16:58:00.000+07:00

everytime the word "cancer" is uttered, it rings a bell. my eyes would turn red and i want to cry. always, it reminds me of my dad. everytime, we see on tv a cancer patient or someone who's just acting like having one, we remember dad. i used to pretend i don't hear the word nor understand what's on TV. i used to divert everyone else's attention, especially mom's.

last night, while watching a tv series, there's this character dying of cancer. they had this conversation that we could so relate. my mom was holding a paper, reading something. then, came touching lines from the characters that my mom cried. i wanted not to show that i was hurt too so, i fight against my tears.

i saw my mom, not moving, pretending she's not crying and then she glanced at me. i left and i knew she saw no tears on my eyes. i wonder if she thinks i wasn't hurt at all or wasn't reminded of anything... of my dad. sure, i was.

all i know is that i have to be strong. i have to be her strength. she must not see me cry. she thinks i am the stronger member of the family. and i am.

when i look back at her, i was saying something like: "didn't we agree we understood why dad had to leave?"

had she seen me crying, i knew she would have cried even more. and then everything else will be rewinded. everything else. and then silence and emptiness would fall into its usual place. again. and then we'll realize we have never actually undestood why dad had to leave, for in reality, we have never.

miscommunication

2006-08-30T14:55:00.000+07:00

Memo from CEO to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.

Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.

Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

rainy days

2006-08-26T18:32:00.000+07:00

On rainy days, I can't help but think of my mom alone in her room. I wonder how empty and lonely it is, spending nights without my dad's embrace. I wonder how painful it really is, being left by someone you used to share the bed every single night and perhaps, whisper each other, "I Love You". I wonder what she does to lessen the pain of the truth that dad left physically and could never be beside her. I wonder what memories come to her as she lays herself to sleep while the rain's dropping. I think, I know. She's feeling COLD and EMPTY.

It must be sad being left by someone you wanted to be with forever. It must be sadder on rainy days. I hope she stops crying, at least, soon after the rain stops.

I love you Ma. I may not know how it really feels or how painful it really is but I guess, I know a bit. Hug the pillows and wrap yourself with your blanket and it might feel like it's Papa hugging you.

random five

2006-08-26T18:10:00.000+07:00

5 Things You Like About Yourself:
1. I respect people as they are.
2. I don't get pushed by peer pressure.
3. I am good at saving.
4. I can live without a lot of things.
5. I am not afraid of the dark.

5 Things You Don't Like About Yourself:
1. My cellulites.
2. My programming skills. yet so bad!
3. I can't sleep well when I'm not home.
4. My inner self transparency.
5. My tears...they're always ready to drop.

5 Things You Wish For:
1. car
2. a thoughtful and responsible hubby
3. business
4. financial stability
5. a work abroad with good pay

5 Things You Don't Wish For:
1. being left by someone i love
2. calamities
3. financial crisis
4. long hours at work - OT
5. an enemy

5 Things You Would Change: (This can be any area)
1. can't think of anything yet

5 Things You Have Learned To Appreciate:
1. my caring mom
2. my helpful officemates
3. my thoughtful friends
4. my life
5. family and home

5 Things You Are Interested In:
1. driving
2. working abroad
3. badminton
4. cars
5. business

5 Talents You Have:
1. writing
2. listening
3. singing
4. cracking jokes
5. laughing out loud

5 Favorite Things:
1. music
2. cars
3. home decors
4. perfumes
5. my mom

5 Secret Desires:
1. to have a better shape (tummy and butt)
2. to grow taller, i don't get qualified being an FA because i'm short
3. to win the mega Lotto
4. to become a better programmer
5. to drive my own brand new car

5 Self Truths:
1. i am afraid of building a family of my own
2. i hate vices of every form
3. i don't drink alcohol, liquor or wine not even softdrinks
4. i feel i am very good at money matters
5. i love scents and perfumes

5 Lies You've Told:
1. It's okay.
2. I understand.
3. It's funny.
4. I'm tough.
5. It doesn't matter.

& 5 Silly Things About You:
1. I almost don't get out of the house when people say I'm fat.
2. When I'm sleepy in the morning, I take a bath to get awakened by the scents of my soap, shampoo and conditioner.
3. I keep checking my mails every minute.
4. I only get a good night sleep if I'm using my own blanket.
5. I don't like my blanket washed every week, I hate the smell of the laundry soap.

what i'd rather do than anything else

2006-08-14T11:45:00.000+07:00

I think I have made it clear that I do not really love what I am doing right now. I do this for the sake of earning a living, not because I love this.

Having said that statement, I think I have to answer what is it that I really love to do and where is it that I really wanted to be if I am not right here.

There are three things I can think of right now - showbiz (haha!), journalism and trading/services biz (enumerated in particular order.) Funny, I know.

I am not good at singing or dancing or acting, but I guess I can learn those crafts if I give enough time learning them. I think I just love meeting people, waving my hands, smiling at them. Haha! (as if these are the only things a showbiz personality does). Although I never dress up nor wear makeups nor do my hair, I really do think I would love someone doing that to me. I love performing although I know I am never yet good at anything I made mention. I love seeing the crowd, being adored by them. Guess I can only dream of doing this! Sure I could tell that I confused my feelings with the truth... =)

Journalism. No! not the news editor or sports editor. Perhaps a feature editor or just an author of short stories. I am not good at writing either. I just know I love to write.

Or... I can do my own business such as being a studio photographer (ID pix, barkada pose, and the like) and doing the printing myself. I like playing with photos and enhancing them. I started out doing this kind of biz just last year and I am enjoying it although I do not spend so much time on it as I am busy with "doing something I do not really love." Or... I can own a store where daily needs are sold. I am definitely a business-minded person since birth.

None of these three is anything I can do well. The things that I love to do are not necessarily the things I can do well. In fact, I couldn't think of anything I am really good at.

And why am I still here when my mind and heart are somewhere else?

Patience is a virtue! Haha...

the art of lending

2006-08-08T19:02:00.000+07:00

I belong to a society where borrowing and lending money is normal. When I got my job, I became one of those who lend money. Sure, it's a nice feeling to be of help. We were once borrowers too.

Before lending money, I ask, without fail, when will the money be returned. Without a definite answer to this question, I do not proceed to lending the money (unless for emergency purposes).

Two months ago, there's this neighbor of ours who talked ill about the way that I do before I do lend money. She said I am so strict that I do not release any amount without making sure the money is going back to me. The gossip spreads and continues spreading and since there are more borrowers than lenders in our place, more people understand her rather than me.

Of course, I know how to give. But the borderline between giving and lending has to be clear. When I give money or food and the like, I do not expect anything in return. But when I give kindness and help, I expect kindness in return. When people come to borrow money, I expect them to know the art of giving it back.

Then, just yesterday this woman went back to our humble abode, just before I left for work, telling me and mom that she needed an amount so badly that very day for her child's school. You could imagine me, just passing by her, being very oblivious. She said lots of things, like giving me an interest and so on and so forth. Her daughter's final exam was on that same day. She couldn't take any exam without the amount. My mom asked her, "what have you been doing all this time that it's getting late?" She said things I could not understand (i.e. refused to understand). I was still. Never moved. I wanted to shout out loud, throw back the things she said against me criticizing my ways and how strict I am with money.

I shivered in anger but didn't say a word to question what she did and said in the neighborhood. My mom was the one communicating with her. I did my thing- combed my hair, clipped it, dressed up, watched myself in front of the mirror, combed my hair again and left saying I had no extra money.

I could always lend money to those who respect my ways not to those who come when in need and talk ill against me when they're done with me.

Guess, she wasn't yet done with me!

I reflected on what I did. I knew it wasn't nice of me doing it. I knew I was being mean. Then my bro-in-law uttered, "Sometimes, you have to lend them lessons too (not just money)!"

doing something you love

2006-07-26T18:49:00.000+07:00

"Would you rather do something that you could do well rather than something that you always love?"

Sadly, I am doing something that I do not love. I feel I do not belong here. And where is here? It is where I am right now and where I am right now is where I am ever since.

I am not good at what I am doing right now but destiny brought me here. No, not destiny. It was my choice.... my foolish choice!

And now, I am wishing I could change my choice...perhaps by choosing again? Nandaka... wakaranai na....dou shitara ii ka na? Oshiete kudasaimasen ka?

Truly, it is more exciting to be doing something you love.

goodbye forever

2006-07-03T17:47:00.000+07:00

Still fresh in my memory the time the doctor told us dad had liver cancer. It was a year ago when he was diagnosed, stage 3 to be exact. He underwent chemotherapy and surprisingly got cured because of prayers, healthy foods and the medicines he took, including the best medicine there can be - love.

December 2005. We had our very cold Christmas in the hospital. Dad was diagnosed liver cancer, terminal stage. It was the worst Christmas we had. And then, the worst New Year.

The thought that dad will have to leave us haunted our memories. Slowly as each day had passed, we're faced with the fact that we just had to let him go one day. We knew we had to.

But how does one say goodbye to the person he gets to interact each day? How does one rejoice about all the moments they shared while completely freeing himself from the bitterness of losing someone?

On February 22, 2006 at exactly 3:00 pm dad gave up. He left us because he's just too tired. Even before that day, we knew, he wasn't with us anymore. There were so many questions inside of me. What if I did this? What if I did that? What if I didn't do this? What if I didn't do that? What if dad did this? What if dad did that? What if dad didn't do this? What if dad didn't do that? So many questions left with not a single answer at all.

I thought it's easy letting him go knowing he had suffered enough and had to rest. I was wrong.

For how could it ever be easy being left by someone you love so dearly? How could we ever deny the bitterness of his absence when inside each and every portion inside our humble abode an empty space is missing?

How come we always have to let go of whatever it is that we wanted to keep forever?

how would you like to die?

2006-02-16T19:04:00.000+07:00

So, what's supposed to be new? Well, nothing really. My dad is still sick and situation is getting worse. He says things we could not understand...like there's a hammer falling or a duck rushing... or he looks for my sister and when my sister comes, he said it's not my sister on his side but another one.

He sometimes wake up from a long sleep and then acts like he's been running and is too tired and demands for water and even says, "let's get back home", though he's at home.

Last night, I was watching a tv program (Scene of the Crime Operatives) which shows crime and crime investigation... mostly murder cases. There was this boyfriend killing a girfriend by cutting the gir'ls neck with a knife and then the murderer committed suicide. That's called crime of passion. Oh, how it broke my heart seeing and knowing that. I couldn't really understand why some people are so narrow-minded and selfish when it comes to that. Worst, they resort to killing their own loved ones. That is such a wicked act.

Another case featured is a retired teacher, her daughter and grand daughter being killed by his son-in-law. Imagine that!?!? That son-in-law hammered the retired teacher's head, his own mother-in-law, many many times, killed his own wife with so many knife strikes and his own daughter too. That's so evil. Where's the world going to? The motive is yet unknown and that person is not yet convicted. And yet, from the evidences presented, I would like to assume that he did it. It's obvious. For me, whatever his reason is, that doesn't give him the right to do that.

Nobody should be doing that to anybody.

And then, I have come to think that I'd rather die of a disease than being killed like that. That is most painful for me... being butchered like a pig or being hammered like a nail... That is most wicked. Really.

I know this sounds weird, but....Given the chance to choose, how would you like to die?

the thought of losing

2006-01-26T11:42:00.000+07:00

I saw my dad lying on the ground. His eyes were open; its color, a combination of red and yellow. There were ants on his body, they were trekking back and forth.

I thought he was thirsty so I asked him, "would you like a glass of water?".

To which he replied, "I believe so. You think my doctor allows me to?"

I said, "Of course, your water intake is not limited anymore, unlike before when we had to measure it and limit it to only 800 mL a day." This was when he found it hard to urinate and move bowels.

So I handed him a glass filled with water and he drank it and then slept. I left.

After a while, I went to check him and found that he wasn't there anymore. There were marks of his body on the ground but he wasn't anymore there. I checked and checked and asked mama where he was.

"He died. Our neighbor buried him..."

I was shocked and so dismayed.

"You buried him without even letting us see him?"

"How come?"

"Why didn't you wait for us?"

I threw a lot of questions and cried like a child. I can't describe really how I felt.

Then I realized I was dreaming. I got up and mused the place where dad is sleeping. He's there...not moving... I slowly went closer to him.

"Why are you awake this early?" dad asked. I was frightened that he's awake. He said his stomach was aching and he took his pain reliever hours ago but could not sleep anymore.

"When are we visiting the doctor?", dad questioning again.

"This Saturday", I said.

"You think they will want me to undergo a CT-Scan? I want to see how my liver is doing."

"I don't know. We'll see."

"I sure hope, the cancer cells are gone. I hope..."

"Let's just pray, pa." was my reply.

And he nodded. My hands were on his head and I said, "Go to sleep again. It's 5:00 a.m yet."

And he did close his eyes as I went back to my bed and hugged my blanket.

I was crying. I don't know why but I seem to miss him. Strange...because he's here with us and yet I miss him.

Why can't I stand the thought of losing him?

do i care?

2006-01-22T15:28:00.000+07:00

Look at me. Give me a stare. I am okay. I am sane; looking really well. No second thoughts. I smile still, even laugh out loud.

Stop looking with your eyes. You look with your heart. You look deeper and deeper till you reach the very core of my being. There, you will see what is it that I really feel. There, you will see what composes my fascade. It's ironic though. Because you can not add up everything you will see there to sum up a fascade like your eyes may have seen.

I am not what your naked eyes have seen. I am the other way around, an empty soul.

I am not as joyful as you may see. I am suffering. I am not totally sane. I am slowly losing it. Yes, my sanity is approaching zero. I am not whole. I am broken.

I may appear so composed. In reality, torn and weak. I am not whole. No, not anymore. For I am so wounded and I gracefully embrace that wound. I took care of it reason why it never leaves. My fault!

I wish I could pick each broken piece up and form my self whole again in time.

But for now, I am certain, the road is not clear.... almost zero visibility. But I keep going, even overspeeding, not thinking really if I am on the right lane... nor considering the fact that I might hit co-travellers and hurt them or hurt myself. I just want to pass through this as fast as I could.

Indeed life can be very tiring. It can consume the totality of your being like it does to mine. But, do I care? I DON'T.

How coward am I! But, do I care? I said, I DON'T! Funny, but I don't.

Happy Birthday Pa

2006-01-15T16:40:00.000+07:00

The time I wake up this morning, I went to check Pa to greet him a happy birthday. But he's asleep still so I chatted with Ma while she's busy preparing Pa's breakfast. Then she went to wake Papa up so he could eat breakfast and take his medicines. I went with her to greet him. He asked whether we prepared some foods in celebration. Ma just smiled and said "that will be tonight." He went to the dining table and positioned to eat.

I was sipping my coffee(with milk) then. I noticed Papa merely staring at the food on the table. He then complained that he doesn't like the food and demanded Mama to learn to look for something delicious every meal. Wow! How dare he said that? He reminded Mama that even before, when he isn't yet sick, he doesn't want repeated foods for he gets fed up to it.

I find it so rude of him to said so. I wish he knew how carefully Mama prepared it and how delicious it really is. I wish he considered also that Mama is not only busy preparing for his foods, she is also sleepless while watching over him and assisting him in everything he does - preparing his meds, measuring every bit of liquid he drinks, preparing his toothbrush and clothes, preparing water for his bath, cleaning his mess and the like.

We're just silent so we wouldn't say a word that might hurt. Inside of me (and perhaps, of Mama), I would like to say, something such as, "Eat whatever is served to you. Important thing, the food is healthy and consider somehow, it's carefully prepared for you. And if you don't have appetite for that, that isn't our fault, that's the effect of your so loved vice."

Then he picked a bread instead. Mama offered to reheat it and with his permission, Mama did it. After a minute, the bread was ready and laid back to the table. Oh! And he just said, "I lost my appetite for that bread!", insinuating that Mama had better not reheat it. But wait, didn't he give his permission? This makes me crazy. Then he drank water and took his meds, brushed his teeth, went to the CR and proceeded to sleeping again.

We're alone in the dining table - me and Ma. I saw some tears in Ma's eyes. I knew it meant, she did her best and still Papa remained so demanding like he is the only person on earth.... like he is the only person to be considered.

I would like to tell him so but held back coz I know it's not the right time. He's so sick and it's his birthday.

"Happy Birthday, Pa", I whispered. I wish you learn to appreciate the people around you... loving you so much... considering every bit of your need and state, especially Mama. We're doing our best to help you lessen the pain (if not recover your health), at least, be cooperative.

Don't get me wrong. Inspite of it all, we love Papa. We see his flaws and yet accepted everything about him- No IF's, no BUT's. Mama taught us how.

today and tomorrow

2006-01-14T13:50:00.000+07:00

Papa sleeps about 70% of each day. He wakes up only when he takes medicines, eats, drinks, moves bowels and urinates. We'd like to see him going around the house or at least, muse the flowers in our garden. It should make him a little better. But he refused to. He's just too tired to walk around and open his eyes. He just wants to keep closing his eyes to deceive himself and forget about the pain, at least, a little.

Today we went out to see Papa's doctor. It's been a week since he's discharged from the hospital and we're to go for consultation every week. The doctor examined Papa and found out that there's water on his lungs reason why he found it hard to move around and breath well. We went for a Chest x-ray and then have to wait for 2 days for the result. The x-ray would show the amount of water inside his lungs and would help his doctor evaluate whether or not, the water has to be removed via paracentesis (I guess).

I moved around again to find his medicines, the newly-prescribed ones and then I am here, in the office, working, while Ma, Pa and sister went back home.

Tomorrrow will be 'Sinulog' (dance feast in honor of Sr. Sto. Nino) here. It is a grand day in Cebu and people from all over the world gather to witness this special event. I wish I could be merry. I just couldn't. The storm seems to never cease.

Tomorrow, too, Papa will turn a year older. It will be Papa's 50th birthday. I wish I could greet him a happy one. But I know I couldn't. How could he be when he's in pain?

So, most likely, we'll just have to let it pass and consider that day to be just another day in our lives.

Will he ever get well? Only heaven knows.

family ties

2006-01-13T15:54:00.000+07:00

Today, in our Japanese class we're discussing about Japanese and Filipino culture differences. There, indeed, are many differences. But I was struct at this difference- FAMILY.

The Philippines is known to have a strong family ties. There are positive and negative effects of this, of course, but this is what we are and we love it that way. The Japanese, being not so close to their families but to their friends is a known thing.

Our Japanese teacher doesn't contact her parents for quiet a long time. I would like to guess, it been 10 years since. This is a thing done by a usual Japanese child to her parents. She said, not contacting would mean to their parents that they are okay and doing well. And if she contacts them, it would mean, something's going wrong.

I believe, this is weird.

Filipinos contact their families and loved ones wherever they go to keep them updated with the things they are doing and the places they're going. Filipinos have to keep in touch with their loved ones to show that they care too and don't want their loved ones to worry about them, they are ok.
Conflicting, isn't it? The Japanese contact would mean a negative thing has happened whereas a Filipino contact would mean they care.

We asked her, "What if your parents are sick? Don't you wanna know?"

"depends what type of sickness." came her reply.

"What if a matter life and death one, say cancer?".

"Leave it to them. I can not do anything about it. I can not cure them anyway. That's life."

"Oh, in the Philippines, that's a hurting remark! You should show to your parents how much you love them by seeing them and serving them especially when they dying. You ought to show them how much you love them even in their last few days of existence. You should show them how grateful you are that they cared and raised you well."

"I am grateful to them in my heart. That's enough."

We're all shocked. Tears come rolling down our eyes. I feel for the Japanese parents. I think it's very sad to know that your kids don't care for you at all, the time they found a life of their own. In reality, Japanese parents don't want to bother their kids too. Yet, it's still so sad for me.

It's just so sad for me. (But I do understand them.)

Dear Lord

2006-01-12T18:50:00.000+07:00

Dear Lord,

You know how burdened my heart is. There are times when I wanted to give up and just rest in peace. I sometimes feel the world upon my shoulder. I'm sorry, I'm exagerrating. I know this isn't even one-fourth of the burden that you're carrying.

You know it breaks my heart to see papa crying in pain. I just couldn't do a thing but call Your name. I hope, though, it eases a bit of the pain. I know he did this to himself and he's to be blame and yet I couldn't afford seeing him suffer. It's painful Lord and I wanted to take part of it, if only to lessen that pain. You know, we love him despite everything. And we'll never be as happy without him. We're never a family without him. I hope You give him one more chance Lord, for him to live by the lessons he may have learned from all these things that's happening... for him to show love to mama and his children and for us to have more time spending together as a family.

I pray for mama Lord, that you give her the strength to accept whatever is it that's bound to happen to us and our family, that she continues to accept and embrace all the pain there is, with full trust in You, that she continues to believe and hope. I know she wanted so much to grow more older with papa. I hope Lord, that you grant her heart's desires. I wanted so much to see her happy and I know papa is her happiness. She deserves to be happy. If she could have a bonus for being a good mother and wife, I know she will ask for this. She never wanted anything more but a whole and peaceful family.

Above all Lord, allow our hearts to understand Your will and let us see clearly that everything is for the best. Let us hold on to the truth that You know what's best and please raise our faith up higher for we need it more this time.

I will continue to trust even if I often don't understand. I will try to understand even if there seems no explanation. I shall surrender to Your will believing always You know what's best.

I trust in You, Lord. I always will. No matter what happens.

Forever and always Lord, Thy will be done.

In Jesus Name, I pray.

AMEN.

Live Life

2006-01-11T13:51:00.000+07:00

l Look people in the eye.

l Sing in the shower.

l Own a great stereo system.

l If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

l Keep secrets.

l Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

l Always accept an outstretched hand.

l Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

l Whistle.

l Avoid sarcastic remarks. - Important

l Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

l Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

l Lend only those books you never care to see again.

l Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

l When playing games with children, let them win.

l Give people a second chance, but not a third.

l Be romantic.

l Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

l Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

l Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

l Be a good loser.

l Be a good winner.

l Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

l When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

l Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

l Keep it simple.

l Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

l Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

l Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

l Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

l Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

l Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

l Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

l Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

l Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

l Once in a while, take the scenic route.

l Send a lot of Christmas cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

l Don't expect life to be fair.

l Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

l Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

l Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

l Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

l Become someone's hero.

l Marry only for love.

l Count your blessings.

l Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

l Wave at the children on a school bus.

love in your heart

2006-01-06T21:15:00.000+07:00

I got this quote from the hospital. I thought this is so striking reason why I'm sharing this here.

"If you have love in your heart, you do not need to have anything else. If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what you have."

if life could be rewinded

2006-01-04T10:30:00.000+07:00

If life could be rewinded...

I bet my dad would choose to listen to our reminders- no alcohols, no cigarettes.

You see, everytime we reminded him of that, he made us shut our mouths up like we simply do not want him to be happy. And telling him to quit drinking would mean taking away his happiness and drinking friends from him. He thought we were merely being selfish.

And so, my mom, lowered down the request that he must eat before he drinks. But he never paid attention. We're simply villaines to him, that was all we were.

I remember, I asked him once to quit drinking because he couldn't anymore manage to walk and go home. He slammed my request and said he was belittled in front of his so-called friends. And he was so ashamed. Why was that? I did my request in a corner where no one could hear us and I did it with respect. I'm sure I did. He just refused to understand.

He was happy with his friends, spending all his money to beers and alcohol and getting drank all he wanted. For him, that was total happiness.

He stopped drinking about 2 years ago, that's when my grandpa died of liver cancer. (Well, I couldn't really tell if it really was for he never was diagnosed of that. He was afraid of doctors and hospitals. But I believe he died of that). I guess, he's (papa) been abusing his health for at least 25 years by excessive drinking of alcohol, plus smoking at least 10 sticks a day.

He quitted on his own without us telling him. That time, he was so afraid he'd have the same disease my grandpa died of.

A year after (I think on March 2005), he was diagnosed of liver cancer (hepatoma). Could we question that? Of course not! We knew he's been driving his way towards that.

He underwent Chemotherapy and got well for about 9 months. Then again, December 2005, the cancer struck again. This time, it's worse- Terminal Stage. We did all we could to help him.

Chemotherapy again. Acupuncture. Herbal Medicines. Quack Doctor. Everything.

Now he's got bulging stomach and he suffers from another complication, portal thrombosis. Know what that means? Go ask Mr. Google. Almost every hour his stomach pain strikes and it later seems hard for pain relievers to serve him. He hardly sleeps and he's frequently attacked by the pain he couldn't explain.

I could see regrets on his face.

If only I could turn back time....
If only I did listen...
If only.

But then, there's no turning back of time. Time lost can never be regained. Today and tomorrow are all we have. And what's left is for him (and for all of us) to learn. We love him. I sure hope he knows. It should be obvious and crystal clear.

For now, we treasure each moment that we have. We put not the blame on anyone. That certainly, won't help. We shall all pass and who gets to go ahead? we do not know. It sure, would have been best if we're careful, cautious and preventive. But hey! I said, there's no turning back of time.

Regret belongs to the future. And waiting for that future to come might be the stupidest thing to do. It might be too late then.

To whoever reads this one, I leave this quote, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You do not live long enough to make them all yourself."

merely Christmas

2005-12-27T09:12:00.000+07:00

As expected I'm back to work. There are only, I think, 10 of us reporting for work today; the rest are taking personal leaves and go on a vacation with families and friends. And while I wanted so much to simply have fun and unwind and recover all my lost energy as I spent every single night in overtime, I couldn't. Got to at least lessen the debts incurred.

As expected, we spent Christmas inside my dad's lonely room, Rm 417. All 6 of us plus my sis' hubby spent the night in the hospital. We just had our usual dinner and then at 9pm, we were on our pillows and blankets, watching TV while dad was suffering the pain of his stomach. I guess he took about 4 caps of pain reliever and still it didn't seem to work. What a Christmas!

When the firework had started, Mama opened the curtain windows and we mused the colorful effects of each firecracker lighted, burned and released to give noise, beauty and pehaps bring joy to those watching it. My eyes saw how colorful the firework was, but my brain just refused to process the beauty that my eyes saw. It insisted there wasn't any single color nor beauty at all. And so I laid myself again and hugged my blanket and all of us were down again.

Was it really Christmas! How come it wasn't Merry?

"Merry Christmas!" i greeted them all in a shout.

"No! it's not Merry... it's merely Christmas!" came my mama's reply.

Silence... deafening silence...

I wanted to believe this is all a nightmare.

messed up

2005-12-23T13:36:00.000+07:00

Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of work. We're supposed to be on a Christmas vacation and get back on the 27th. Damn. My task got really messed up the minute I was about to leave the office last night. I promised to eat dinner with my family inside my dad's room (in the hospital). And so I left without fixing the thing I needed to fix and swore I would come back today.

And yes, I am here. I knew this could be fixed in less than an hour. I arrived 9a.m. today and guess I am just so unlucky not to get this simple thing working. No, it's not that I can't concentrate, it's just that the development board doesn't seem to cooperate. And it's already 2:31pm. And there isn't any single sign that this thing's gonna work perfectly as I wanted. Goodness!

Just when I needed to rush to see my dad, my whole world just messes up!

How could that be?!?!?

Blue Christmas

2005-12-23T12:46:00.000+07:00

It's December 23- very Christmas in the Philippines. I'm afraid there won't be any Christmas at home. My dad is in the hospital. He's been there since the 21st. Oh and I thought cancer is shift-deleted from his system. How come I was so wrong? It's striking again... and my dad's tummy is just bulging and it's real hard, as hard as a stone and he's getting real thinner.

Mama has been crying. I really can't help but feel sorry for whatever's gonna happen to our supposedly Merry Christmas. Oh! I wish it could still be merry and bright. I hope this storm will pass us all again (like it did before) and we'll all be standing still. And I mean, all of us. And when I say, all of us, I mean, no one's missing.

I couldn't imagine Christmas anymore the way I always have looked forward to that day. And I can't believe it's getting nearer. In less than two days it will be Christmas. Would you care to lift my spirit up so I'd still hope the best is yet to come?

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

2005-12-09T16:09:00.000+07:00

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human

because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied,

"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples."

an officemate emailed this to me. i kinda thought this is cute so, i'm sharin this.

love you ma

2005-12-02T22:18:00.000+07:00

I just want to say I love my mama.

I'm sure she knows.

I just want the world to know.

weak and weary me

2005-11-30T10:56:00.000+07:00

I am weak. This I admit.

Several times in my existence, I told myself I could not make it and then I wish there'll be no more tomorrow and the morning never comes. Ever thought of wanting that? ... that you sleep and you never wake up? ... that maybe, in the middle of the night, death comes grabbing you?

I always thought of that, whenever difficulties are sent upon me. Oh yeah, I knew, difficulties are God's errands and when we're sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence. But sometimes, this is not as convincing as it is. And this is NOT the very first thing that pops in my mind when I'm in trouble. Perhaps, because I prefer to see the darker side. Pessimistic me!

It is always easier to comfort a mourning friend but when i am the one in trouble, everything i may have said are shift-deleted in my mind. I get easily tired of hoping for the good things to come.

Last night, when I journeyed home, I had hoped the motorcycle I was riding would bump into something and I would die right there and then. But to my dismay, it didn't. When I laid myself to sleep, I wished I will never wake up. But I did and now, I'm here.

I just can't have everything I hoped for. And so, life goes on till death conquers my world.

Breath... Breath... life is at hand still. And yet, I wanted to return it now, thinking I have had enough of it. (Isn't it an insult to the Giver?)

Worry not... I shall wait patiently for my turn and won't head straight towards grabbing what my heart desires the most.

Offering, the Jap way

2005-11-30T10:05:00.000+07:00

Japanese express their feelings and opinions with hesitation and so, in most cases, they speak up what they really want or think, the indirect way.

For example, they want to offer coffee.
A.
Nihongo: Kohii ha ikaga desu ka?
English: Would you like to have coffee?
B.
Nihongo: Kohii demo ikaga desu ka?
English: Would you like to have coffee...or anything?

Vocabulary Check:
Kohii - coffee
ha - (pronounced as wa) a particle in English grammar
ikaga desu ka - an expression of offering something; means "would you like?"
demo - expresses hesitation

A is the direct way of offering coffee while B is the indirect way. And Japanese are too good at using indirect statements to show hesitation. And so, B is the most commonly used statement because A is rather too direct.

So, given a situation when someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and you would like to offer yourself, when you're in Japan, you can say, "Watashi demo ii desu ka?" (or "Watashi demo ikaga desu ka?") instead of saying, "Watashi ha ii desu ka?"(or "Watashi ha ikaga desu ka?"). The latter is rather too direct.

Vocabulary Check:
Watashi - me, i
ii desu ka - is it alright?

In English, that means, "Is it alright to have me...? or someone else...?". In reality, the speaker only wanted to say, "Is it alright to have me?" or "How about me?". Note that demo is the key word here. And without demo, the statement becomes direct.

Interesting, isn't it?

hurt: fair share

2005-11-17T23:48:00.000+07:00

"Nobody has the right to do as he pleases except when he pleases to do right."

Sometimes, people believe that they are the only ones who possess a heart. They expect people to consider how they would feel without even considering others.

That's unfair.

Don't expect people to be careful with your heart when in the first place you aren't careful with theirs. Hurt belongs to anyone who does have a heart. And if you insist you have yours, then, don't forget I also insist, I have mine.

You reap what you sow. Always. Don't expect to reap gold from sowing a rotten seed. Never!

You don't earn respect without respecting others yourself. And so, do not seek to be considered if you are not being considerate yourself. How dare you expect others to consider about your feelings when you don't consider theirs?

How dare you believe you are unfairly hurt when you did not even take a graceful look about the hurt you've made.

Think again.

You are not the only creature who possesses a heart. In case you forgot.

Perfect Mom

2005-11-07T17:14:00.000+07:00

Living was hard. In the morning, mama used to wake us up to go and take a bath and then eat our breakfast so we could head for school. No one left the house without eating whatever mama prepared for us. I remember refusing to eat because I was so fed up with instant noodles and mama wouldn't let me up and get my bag. I had to eat and finish what was for me.

Mama never allowed us to go to school with empty tummies. Why? because she never sent us to school with money in our pockets. No money for food, only for icewater. So we had to eat breakfast and bring our packed lunch, else, we had to stay.

After school hours, we were demanded to go home as soon as possible and do our assigned chores- fetch water from the well (river), wash dishes, cook dinner, pick the goats from the grassland and clean the house. After dinner, we had to do our school assignments and then help her make barbecue sticks or weave baskets. No one should sleep ahead. Everyone must be helping if not studying and finish what was set for us.

On weekends and summer vacations, mama would bring us all to our farm wearing our jackets, long pants and hats, to protect us from insect bites and sun burns. Each one of us were armed with bolos and grub hues. We planted corn, mongo, okra, eggplants, string beans and peanuts. And we harvested them ourselves and sometimes, with the help of a few neighbors when corn harvest was good. We tilled 4 farms. Two of which were around 1200 sq.m. and the other two were around 2000 sq. m. We used to till the 2 smaller ones ourselves and hire a few persons to clean the bigger ones. But we fertilized the corn plants ourselves on all 4 farms. When it's time to wait for the harvest, we shifted to making firewoods and sold them. We had to cut branches of the trees, cut each to make 15-inch sticks, dry it, group and tie each 15 sticks and carry it to some place where someone would trade each bunch of wood with Php0.50. From what we earned, we usually bought kilo/s of corn( if we haven't harvested yet) and dried fish.

We walked to and fro school. That was about 2 km away from home. No budget for jeepney fare which was, I think, Php1.50 that time. But we never complained. We understood why it had to be that way.

Mama was simply a housewife (now, she serves the barangay). But on top of her being a housewife (one who fixes the house, washes/irones clothes, cooks for us, and the like), she was a farmer and a businesswoman at heart. She reaped fruits and vegetables from our farm and sold it in the market leaving the house at midnight and reaching the house at dawn, before all of us woke up, and thus, preparing our breakfast without us knowing that she had arrived.

Mama is an intelligent, tough and hardworking woman. She brought us up to live with only the simplest things in life and thus, there are a lot of things I could live without. She taught us things in life especially those that money can't buy. She shaped us into who we are now. She made us see that what we do today will be the cause of what we become tomorrow. She is a good leader. She teaches us not to focus on what we do not have, instead, on what we have and do something to have what we do not have.

My mama had a tough experience in rearing us because, financially, they were not ready. And she didn't want to beg for help from my grandparents. She got tired and I know there were lots of times when she wanted to give up but she never did. She's a strong woman. She stood by what she had decided and she always stood for what is right and pleasing.

She tirelessly and endlessly envelopes us with love even if I know, at times, she's tired especially while fighting against the many trials surrounding us.

I just love my mama. And don't ask me why, for me, she is the perfect mother there can be. She has proven that by raising us the best way she could despite all odds. And I think, what we have become is exactly how she wanted us to be. What we have become is our gift to mama. Whatever we do, we always consider what mama will feel-whether or not mama approves of it.

Happy Birthday Ma! You're the best!

I fear I won't be as good as you when I become a mom myself someday.

so embarassing!

2005-11-04T08:36:00.000+07:00

Told you i have been taking bioslim herbal tea for bowel movements. initially took it for slimming purposes but when i tried to stop taking it, i couldn't move bowels anymore. So, I take it daily without fail. I move bowels 2x a day. Around 7:00 a.m. and around 9:00 a.m. And these are intense and abrupt ones- effects of the tea i take.

This entry is a bit of an "EWWWW....!" but bear with me, if you can.

October 30, 5:30a.m. I left the house to spend my holiday at Malapascua Island. Take note, I haven't moved bowels yet. I picked my honey up and we head to Colonade Supermarket to meet my friends we were going with. 7:00a.m. inside Colonade Supermarket, I was feeling the intense pain of my stomach. It's a signal for me to do my scheduled routine. I went to the comfort room and sought for toilet papers. None around. I went back to the Supermarket and decided not to move bowels anymore. I still could control.

7:30 a.m. we had our butts on the plastic chairs of the airconditioned bus, heavily loaded with passengers heading towards North of Cebu. We're seated at the center portion of the said bus since we had no choice. Van Hilseng movie started to play and I was enjoying . I think all 4 of us were.

Around 10:00a.m. Bus stop at Carmen Cebu. I took my chance of sitting on the soft bus chair while others left to grab something to eat. Suddenly, I felt my stomach aching again. This time, the driver just went up, so I took my center seat instead of rushing to the nearest comfort room. I managed to control giving birth to my shit and enjoyed watching the movie again. I was hoping for another bus stop but none happened in more than an hour of hoping.

Then again, my shit struck and I was so terrified. It kept striking and striking and it became more intense. It bumped me in just a matter of seconds and I felt so out of control. I tried hard to control it but my shit was at its most furious, curious and strongest state to see the outside world. Lord, help me. There were like a hundred people inside the bus and I knew it was a whole lot of shame smelling overly weird. I was thinking that my friends and honey would disown me if i deliver the shirt right there. I was thinking how shameful that would be. I thought of ways, maybe I could ask the driver to stop awhile or maybe I could just stay hoping that the next stop would be nearer. I was feeling hot and shivering. Oh! If only I was somewhere, I would happily let it out. I laid my head on my honey's shoulder and hoped the feeling would cease to disturb me so badly. Nothing happened. My shit... I feel its strength to come out without listening to me! My goodness! I pushed my ass harder to the chair and bite my lips the hardest I could. "Oh God! help me!... pls... pls...." This was my cry.

Slowly, the attack gets calmer. And I breathed a bit. Then, it struck again. Wow! Really not listening to me, ha? I was getting so dismayed. Thought again of asking the driver to stop for a while to let me do my thing. But I didn't. It's a shame to the rest of the passengers. I tried to think of other stuffs which could divert my feelings and attention... perhaps, this could lessen the attack. But NO. It didn't. It's so hard-headed and so persistent.

Thank goodness we reached the terminal! The first thing I did was rushed to the comfort room. I was really running when someone asked me for a pay. My goodness! I was hurrying so badly and yet I was ceased to pay! immediately took my purse and paid and rushed to the comfort room and sought for a vacant room and did my thing.

Wow! sarap ng feeeling! Phew!

Holy Shit! That could have been my most embarassing experience.

My regret? Not taking the good chance I had while I was inside Colonade Supermarket and while I sit comfortably inside the bus on a Bus Stop when those were good chances for me to do my thing.

Ever had this experience?

Shameful Us

2005-10-25T17:14:00.000+07:00

Last night, around 7:30, as I tried picking my things up to leave the office, I was tempted to answer a logical game over the net and I was so challenged that I decided not to leave until I get the logic. My officemates, having known the secret of the game ahead of me, were teasing me. We were like shouting already for the fun of the guessing game. When the secret was finally discovered, we jumped into another logical game and this time, our voice became louder. We keep laughing and our voices were so loud. We were having fun.

Surprise. Surprise.

Unknowingly, our boss who had been listening all the while, was already annoyed. "Will you please lower down your voices when you are discussing about something? Others can't concentrate."

We have been so oblivious of our boss' presence. We never really cared that there were still people around us, trying to concentrate to get their job done. And we regretted forgetting this.

Last night was just one of those instances when I revealed the child inside of me.

Sore ha ikemasen ne? Sumimasen.

Celebrating 29 Years

2005-10-24T17:10:00.000+07:00

Oct 23. It's Ma and Pa's Wedding Anniversary. It's been 29 years since they vowed to be with each other through good and good times. (^_^)

What's keeping them together is love plus a whole lot more. I know they have been spending a lot of patience to keep this bind and reach this far. It's been tough as I try to look back and recall the years that their marriage has to offer. Oh well, not their marriage but they themselves.

Always, always, marriage is not as simple as teeners thought. It's not always fun and enjoying. As has been said, marriage is not a garden of roses, it is a garden of thorns. I mean, a combination of both. Or ... it is indeed a garden of roses, for roses by nature, have thorns.

Marriage life has been a tough experience for my parents who decided to marry at very young ages. They were 21 back then and my papa had no regular job and mama too. Sweat was their tool to make living.

Fights. Fights. Fights. One of them had mastered the art of putting the other's patience to real stress-testing while the other had been hoarding patience, so that their fights never end up to breaking up. Yokunai ne. Warukatta hito ha dare ka shitte iru no? Hmnnn...Sore ha himitsu desu.

Now, both of them are mature and the fights are all left behind as shadows of the past.

But the journey was never easy. They had the normal fights and the abnormal ones. No one said it's easy, anyway. Ii ka dou ka dare mo iwanai. Demo wakamono ha yosasou to omotte iru desu yo.

It's been 29 years since and the knot that binds them is getting tightier. It's not just love that holds them together, it is commitment. The feeling will be gone if you just let it. Love resides in the heart, commitment, in the mind. It is the mind that decides and it could choose to follow or not to follow the heart. Watashi no itte iru koto ga wakaru no?

I have learned a lot from my parents, both the good and the bad. And I decide which lessons to keep and which to throw.

For the 29 long years of my parents being together and for the years yet to come, oiwai o shimashou. kanpai!

The Table Cloth

2005-10-18T09:25:00.000+07:00

i'm changing my fave font to verdana size 8. =) weird me!

weekend's over just like the blinking of an eye. when i try to go over how i spent my saturday and sunday, i get so upset that i did not enjoy sleeping and sleeping as i planned.

saturday is supposed to be a business meeting day. my schedule got ruined by a dishonest gal and i just got to straighten things up, so i did. instead of me attending a business meeting, i was attending a heart-to-heart talk with my couzin and her mom. it turned out fine. then tutorial classes in the afternoon till 7pm. and finally, badminton, 7:30-9pm. and that's extremely taihen datta. ashi ga itakunatta. badminton ha karada ni ii node, badminton wo shinakereba naranai desu.

sunday. eating session at my boss' residence-baptism of his one-month old baby boy. i was wearing a red dress, the one i wore when i graduated college. the sun was so cruel and yes, i was complaining...(like there was something i could do). when we reached the party place, i was so shocked! naze ka na? my goodness! the tablecloth was exactly the same shade of red i was wearing. i remember during my boss'(the same boss) wedding, i was wearing a baby pink dress and the tablecloth then? ask me not! twas baby pink also. for the second time around, i felt like i am an extension of the table cloth! hahaha... i was not embarassed though.

voice lesson came after, then church, then the never-ending tutorial session!

oh! i should mention this: I met and chatted with denz and mic there at the party place. i'm glad mic was there, else, i may end up chatting with the boys for there were very few girls around and i know only two of them.

i slept last night like i never cared. watashi ha tsukaretta ka dou ka shitte iru no? tsukaretta yo. joudan ja nai!

and now, seems like, i haven't spent my weekend at all. back to work. back to the usual marathon.

indeed life is so short. that's exactly the same as how the days come and go. that's why we have to enjoy each moment that comes... not those which had passed nor those which are yet to come.

Boat Is Sinking

2005-10-11T10:40:00.000+07:00

Every Filipino is aware of the situation that the Philippines is facing. Whether we like it or not, the Philippine situation is like a sinking ship and to save one's self means to get a good grip of what is at hand.

I'm really sick of the Philippine situation-economic, political, whatsoever... everything is getting worse. I wish there is a way for me to shout and be heard. But there is none. People are so oblivious and unmindful despite of my loud screaming call. People are so busy rescuing their own selves, for, surely, this is the best that there is to do-rescuing our own selves and take for granted all those which can't be of help.

We're running out of time, and if we dare stay, we know, we will sink with the rest. How come we never realized that long before this very moment? Actually, we do, just that, we didn't seem to have any option but to stay and make the best out of what is here.

There are things that bother me, things I'm worried about. When I get married and have a child of my own, I don't want him to see how poor and polluted the Philippines is. When I grow old, I don't wanna be a liability to my children. I don't wanna suffer earning a single peso that hard for a living, only to find out that I can never have what I wanted from my hard-earned money. I can only satisfy, utmost, my needs. I want to go some place where there is no borderline between having a want and having a need, for acquiring wants is simply easy and possible, unlike here in the Philippines, when you got to spend a month's pay for a single mobile phone and it causes a pain in the ass letting go of the hard-earned thousand because there are more important things to have other than a mobile phone.

Guess not every Filipino is aware that there is a world far better than this. And for us, who know, we gotta climb higher and get a good grip of whatever is at hand for there is no telling when the ship sinks. But it is, soon.

Feeling Empty

2005-10-01T08:40:00.000+07:00

I don't understand why I'm feeling so empty. I feel so down and that I am a failure!

I wish I could just shut myself down much like a computer. Apparently, I have to be reformatted and I need a fresh OS installation; perhaps, a free OS will do or a commercial one, just as long as it is proven to be stable. Then, useful applications would be installed and I would have a fresh registry and yes, completely new settings and thus, a brand new start. So, I would forget all the old files I used to keep and the viruses I used to fight against till I became tired and just can't help but reboot over and over again. Taihen desu yo.

Or...perhaps, I could remain a raw disk and motherboard, that is, no OS installed at all. And I would remain completely unusable, for in reality, I am much like that- a useless creature!

Damn...why am I feeling this way?

I seek not to be understood though. I'm sure this is going to pass and fade away. And I'm sure, once in a while, you feel the same way too. After all, this state is just normal. And I demand no explanation nor any words of wisdom.

Surprise: It's Back

2005-09-30T10:22:00.000+07:00

Some things just can't be stopped from changing especially those that you always want to stay the way they are.

Somewhere, I wrote that my migraine left me the time i stayed in Japan. This week, i've been suspecting that it's back. And yes, now, it sure is back. I could see zigzag lines of lights again and my head is heavy for 4 days now, aching so badly, no matter how well i slept the previous nights. Headache reliever won't do, even my vitamins and a whole lot of water. Useless.

I hate to feel this way. But I know, migraine is back. It misses me so badly and there's nothing I could do to ignore its presence. It keeps asking for my attention and even begging me to give it my full attention and ignore everything else around me; like nothing and no one else exists but the two of us. Goodness! How could that be?

Some things just love you when you don't love them. Some things just leave you when you need them so badly.

I only hope I could go back to Japan... throw migraine there, embrace good health and hope migraine won't find its way to me again... Haha...Now that's a joke.

How I am Today

2005-09-28T15:49:00.000+07:00

been quite a while since i last blogged.

i'm dragging myself to finish the day coz i'm overly sleepy and i wanted to retire in my bed. when i woke up this morning, i thought i have slept well, but guess what? i am wrong! coz my eyes just keep closing now and my head is continuously aching, begging for a nap or most likely, a complete sleep. i tried drinking coffee, biogesic and eat piatos and yet still can't find myself awake. .

oh! i am so looking forward to 6:07 pm, when it's time for me to grab my bag, turn my PC off then leave the office. i'm just so sick of work now. i'm not feeling so well- my head's overly heavy now, and my eyes, yeah, they keep closing and i feel like i'm choking even if i don't swallow a thing at all. hen ne.

chotto onegai ga arun desu.
nan desu ka?
jitsu ha kimochi ga warui node, sugu kaette mo ii desu ka?

surprise... surprise... of course, i won't leave the office any soon. i'll have to wait for an hour or so. i sure will.

for now, let me write this:
nani mo shinakute, nani mo iwanakute, watashi ni ha hana ni tsuite kita....
yokunai ne....(^_^)
demo sore ha joudan desu yo. ki ga tsuita no?

Not Because

2005-09-21T15:17:00.000+07:00

i love you not because...
you feel the same but because you made me into someone i wasn't before.

i miss you not because...
you are not here but because my life is empty without you.

i need you not because...
i'm alone but because things are best when you're with me.

Works I Did Before

2005-09-21T12:22:00.000+07:00

December Christmas Break.
The first employment I had was with SM Department Store. I was in my first year College then and I worked as a Sales Clerk at the Men's Shoes Department. I hated so much painting my face and lips but I had to, so I would look a little pleasant, especially to customers. I didn't like standing long hours with high-heeled sandals but I survived. At the end of each day, I would retire in bed with my legs aching. But that was something I'd like to remember for the rest of my life.

Summer Vacation.
Then, another employment at SM Supermarket as a Lady Bagger. I was supposed to be a cashier but my fear of making mistakes with money prompted me to settle being a Lady Bagger. I had to wear formal black pants and white shirt with colors on my face, as usual. I used to hit my own feet with the shopping cart's wheels and I got wounded by them almost everytime I went on arranging the carts. Unforgettable experience is during Auction for employees, wherein we got Supermarket items at the lowest possible prices, up to 80% off.

School Days.
And oh, how could I forget, being a Labandera (one who washes someone else's clothes) when I was in Fourth year College. I think , I did mention that mother did not entertain the idea of having me rent a bedspace near the university for financial reasons. When I reached my fourth year in College, I had to live with someone who had a PC, because I had to make computer programs almost everyday and I had no PC and no internet cafe's around our humble abode. I decided to live with my bestfriend in a pad so I could use her PC once she's done with her stuff. And because, the family's budget for me was low, I had to make money to cover up whatever amount was missing. I was paid P300/month for doing a boardmate's laundry and ironing them at the same time.

At the end of each payroll period, when I was working with SM, I used to bring a bag of grocery items needed at home and save a little amount for my so-called future. That's why my parents never had to give me a penny when I left for Japan.

Fun Over The Weekend

2005-09-19T16:33:00.000+07:00

Did two exciting stuffs over the weekend- badminton and voice lesson.

Badminton. Our company held its first badminton tournament last Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005. Four teams were organized to play mixed doubles (i.e. male & female in a team). Teams were named as yellow, blue, white and red. I played with Paul for the red team substituting an officemate who happened to have sinusitis the day before the tournament. No fancy news really... just that we won over 3 more teams in a double elimination round.

Voice Lesson. Sunday, I went to SM Mall to attend to my first voice lesson under Yamaha. My coach's great. We had breathing exercises, vocalizations, and of course, introductory singing. It's fun and exciting. I hope I would be a better singer after 12 sessions.

Weekend's over. Still, I wasn't able to study kanji when I knew I really have to. Again, because my heart's not in it.

Back Then: Childhood Dreams

2005-09-16T10:59:00.000+07:00

When I was a kid, I dreamt of
(Imagine the kind of life I had. My father is a carpenter. My mother is a housewife. There are 4 kids.)
(1) becoming a teacher. This is because the first profession I was exposed to was teaching.
(2) having a house that's made of stone and not of wood
(3) eating colorful and oishii foods. We used to have dried fish and veggies for meals.
(4) having enough money (We always ran out of this)
(5) having fancy clothes.
(6) peaceful family. Remember my dad used to drink alcohol and he's not earning enough and he used to consume all his money to alcoholic drinks with friends.
(7) having a fridge
(8) having a car

Life is compose of so many phases. As a child, I dream. While I grow up, I started make them real. Then, I dream more and strive to reach more.

A wooden house can become a cemented one. War can become peace. Dried fishes can become pork and beef. Some come so easily, some take years. Dreams can become real if you know well that life is not merely about sleeping and dreaming. It is about reaching them.

As years passed by I have made almost all of my dreams a reality, except that I still don't have a car and I am not a teacher but an Engineer. It pays to really know how to wait. It pays to be patient, look forward and see past what lies ahead. It pays to just embrace each and every day that comes- both rainy and sunny.

What lies beyond this horizon is not an empty space... it is the product of the efforts you exerted each day.

Sleep...dream...wake-up and see your dreams becoming real. This is all a cycle.

What I wrote once, I'll write again... Never stop dreaming unless you are ready to wake up and make them real.

There is really no answer to the question as to why you are here, unless, you create it yourself.

Strongest Storm So Far

2005-09-15T09:02:00.000+07:00

"Will you go to the doctor? I've been worrying about your health", Mama keeps telling Papa.

A few times we told Papa the same thing. He refused to.

It's been more than 15 years since he experienced throwing out bloody bowels. He just said, it's ulcer. He's been taking medicines for that and yet he continues to drink alcoholic drinks, making the medicines of no use at all. He drinks. He smokes. These are his vices... those he couldn't live without.

Till it became more than just bloody bowels. He never gets to eat well for about 3 months. He vomits. He hates the smell of foods cooked in the kitchen when he always loves to eat adobo and almost anything fried. He even argues with mom cooking in the kitchen. He demands that mom do the cooking outside.

Weird.

We all insisted that he undergo a medical examination, alarmed that it's more than just ulcer.

He refused.

"Why?" We're all wondering.
"Wouldn't you wanna know what is it that you are experiencing?"
"Don't you want to get cured?"

Silence.

Well, we can't force him to undergo the examination.

Then came the time when he couldn't anymore convince his own self that it's just ulcer. He collapsed at work. And his workmates insisted that he go to the hospital and undergo laboratory examinations. Noticing that he lost weight as so visible in his appearance, he went to the doctor, alone, without telling my mom.

The next thing we knew he's diagnosed with liver cancer. The worst news in my entire existence. I guess, more worst for my mom. The ailment is on its third stage. Hopeless case.

I knew my mom was the most hurt person among all of us. She loves dad so much.... more than her own life. She prepares my dad's coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, toothbrush/toothpaste, underwear, towel, shirts and everything that my dad needs. She's like dad's slave. And she rejoices doing all that. Of course, plus doing her own kids' needs. (Taihen da ne).

We knew no amount of encouragement could ease the pain mom is experiencing. It even appears like she's more hurt than dad.

The doctor privately talked to mom about dad's condition- what is expected of him, things to be done, foods to be taken, medicine, number of months he is expected to live and the like.

Mom returned to our private room like everything is under control.

Then, TACE (Trans-Arterial Chemoembolization ) Chemotherapy for dad as we have agreed.

Dad was taken from his private room to a laboratory where a Japanese interventional radiologist would infuse him a chemotherapy drug.

Before we knew it, he's back to his room with a positive look but with blood on his laboratory gown.

Mom, worrying so much, cried at the sight of dad. And then asked him, "How was it?"."Was it painful." "How are you feeling now?".

Dad just said, "Let me eat first, I am so hungry". He was deprived to eat 2 meals prior to the therapy and all he said he was feeling after the procedure was aching of his stomach due to hunger.

After having his meal, he narrated how so tensed he was prior to the infusion and how well the radiologist did his thing. He was allowed to see the procedure before he was sent to sleep during the entire process. And he's positive that he's getting better because, the dark spots in his liver were almost completely erased. Poor dad. He never really realized that even the good/needed cells inside his body were killed by the infusion.

Then we went back home.

Dad caught fever.

I called his doctor. The doctor told me about fever being an ordinary side effect of the chemotherapy but if he vomits.... it is a dangerous case. I went straight to asking the doctor if dad is going to live longer.

"3-6 months". This was the reply I got. It felt like the whole world is upon my shoulder. I thought my dad's gonna recover from it but I was wrong.

"But I am not a god... I could not really tell. What I'm saying is based on experience and researches."

I immediately packed my things and left the office... secretly told my sisters about what I just learned. We're swearing to each other not to tell anyone... not even mom.

Later, we realized we had to tell mom. So we did. And as expected, my mom already knew it the day the doctor talked to her. Tears flooded again without my dad's knowledge.

We agreed not to tell dad. It will only make things worse. And he will only be discouraged. We tried hard to give him a positive atmosphere. We dined together. All of us, their children, went home the earliest possible time so we could dine together, watch tv and pray.

New foods for dad and the whole family. All veggies and almost zero meat and preservatives.

New routine for all of us- from waking up early in the morning, preparing his special foods and medicines, eating together green leaves and untasty soup, wheat bread, fresh milk, carrots... and yeah, all these stuffs, and returning home early without rendering overtime work when I normally do.

Several nights I cried... sleepless nights, in fact. Several incidents I caught mama in the CR crying. I knew all of us are hurting and worst, we had to hide the pain we're feeling. We were seemingly okay, but deep down each of our inner selves, we're all wounded.

Tried another doctor. Everyone hoping and clinging hardly to that hope.

I found myself crying in the middle of the task I make. I became less effective... too sickly to look at but pushing still.

Then came another series of lab examinations for another chemo session. Alas! The cancer was gone. Like magic? yes, like magic.

No one could explain why. Even the doctors were shocked.

But for us, there was no wondering why that happened. We embraced the good news. No questions asked, just gratefulness to all those who helped and prayed for my father.

Chemo. Medicines. Positive Atmosphere. Good food. Good sleep. No alcohol. No cigarette. Prayers. A combination of these works.

Dad gets back to work. All of us get back to our usual routine with all our senses back to its normal state. Sane again. All of us.

The strongest storm came into the very fascade of our lives. And we're glad it's over. Like a nightmare.

This is a true story, in case you're wondering. By the way, Papa had a Chinese doctor who gave him Chinese herbal medicines to help his good cells fight against the strong effects of chemotherapy. He had vitamins for his spleen, liver, and almost all his internal organs. I guess he's (the doctor) of great help. Almost all my dad's foods (including the whole family's) are half-cooked, if not raw. Never really tasty. I would like to thank my friends who have helped me maintain my level of sanity and who have prayed for my father's recovery. All glory to God. Difficulties are God's errands. When we are sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence.

Oblivious Dad

2005-09-13T09:17:00.000+07:00

I know it happened to you. A few times, maybe.... as it happened to me.

My dad and I were arguing about something. I could not really recall what exactly it was all about. All I know was that my dad refused to listen to me, telling me that I am unfair, selfish and all that. Then I tried hard to go explain my side, but he refused to listen, he shouted in order not to hear my voice and no matter how hard I shouted too to explain myself, I was just not audible. I did go on explaining anyway. But it was all useless. No one listened to me. No one could even hear me, in the first place. And all that's left for me to do was to cry. I pity myself for that.

Until my dad had finished his murmuring about me.

And I ceased crying. Not because the hurt subsided but because my tears ran out of stock.

There was bitterness inside of me. A perfect taste of it.

It's like lightning striking me... and I didn't have the least effort to defend myself. My back ached and so did whole body.

You know the feeling? when you've been wanting to shout but none would come out? when you want to explain but you don't know where to start? when you know you are right and yet, it seemed to them that you are wrong(est)? and what they are thinking just can't be erased because, you are given no chance to explain? because they think that they are right for they are older in age?

Why wouldn't dad listen to me? Why wouldn't he allow me to explain my side?

He should have, at least, spent a minute or two to listen to what I had to say. It would be fair that way. But to scold me with words without even giving me the chance to speak my mind is so so unfair. And it turned out that I was wrong. Although, I believe deep down inside that I have the most positive motive there is.

It saddened me. It pained my heart. It's like I was stabbed at all sides. And there was nothing left for me to do but, again, cry.

Why this thing?

I know, sometimes, people will never be able to understand you unless you speak your mind. But how else can I be understood if I couldn't even hear my own voice because there was no room for me to speak?

I went to my room and cried the hardest way I could. Alas! The tears were back again.... rolling down my cheeks... gracefully as they always do.

There were a lot of questions in my head. There were so much words to say. Not a single ear to listen.

Really, when it's your loved one who hurts you, the cut is much deeper. You do not expect them to hurt you badly, that's why.
Imagine an enemy refusing to listen to you and your father refusing to listen to you. Either way, it hurts. Sure, it does. But the gravity of the hurt differs. So what if the enemy never listens? We don't really care (that much). But if the father never listens... it's a pain. Have you ever realized that?

I cried even harder when I returned to the real world.

I was just dreaming. But I make sense, right? I sure do.

And my tears? They are real... up to the moment when I had all of my senses back and activated. It seemed like everything was real... like everything really did happen.

Kanji vs. Love

2005-09-12T15:30:00.000+07:00

Alas, Friday is a non-working day, making my weekend longer than usual. Hoorah! time to stay longer in bed and hug my pillows and blanket. Really love spending longer holidays. Well, I guess, everyone wants holidays except, maybe, those who wanted to stay away from home for reasons that may involve family matters (or maybe high financial needs). I guess only those who wanted to escape from problems or people at home wanted to stay longer hours at work... although some others reasoned out that they love work than family (or home for that matter). Is that so? Well, it's not my case. I belong to the majority, I guess and I really look forward for holidays aside from the usual Sunday. I do not want a very long holiday though....because, it makes me even fatter and it makes me sick staying at home, doing, literally nothing but fix my room and start/shutdown my PC. But a sanrenkyuu (3-day holiday) is fine enough.

So, here goes my plans for the 3-day weekend:
(1) Play badminton - Friday
(2) Study Kanji - for the rest of the holidays

Like the sweeping of the wind, the 3-day holiday is over and what went done is only my task in (1). Really, it is true - when you love doing a thing, there's no pushing yourself into doing it... but when, you don't love doing such at all... like me studying Kanji... it's like I really have to push myself really hard just to force myself to do it. And as usual, I was not able to do it.

It's not really that I do not love Nihongo. I love it. In fact, I love communicating using the language. BUT... I hate kanjis (chinese characters). Maybe because I hate strokes. Damnn.... I don't really know why.

I wish I could find a way to make learning kanji exciting and fun. There I go again.... wanting and wishing everything to be fun and exciting... like dancing hip hop or playing badminton or climbing a mountain. Oh! and these are even harder than learning kanji, other people say. But hey, I'm just not fond of strokes. And I planned not to push myself hard to love it. It's not my passion and I can't force myself to like it.

It's like loving. You can't push yourself to love someone. You can only learn to love somone you are interested with. And i'm not interested at learning kanjis. No matter how I try. Kanjis are like persons.... they can't force people to love them, they can only be some things which can be loved and the rest is up to me to realize their worth. And unfortunately, I refuse to realize the kanji's worth. The saddest thing for them-kanji characters! Lol...

I wonder if I will regret this in the end..... i mean, like the feeling of realizing someone's worth when he/she is gone. LOL again! (Louder this time...)

Seems like I really don't know what I'm writing...

But you get me, right?

Truths About Life

2005-08-30T19:33:00.000+07:00

(1) When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events- to teach you to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.

(2) You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

(3) The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life, there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

(4) It is better to lose your pride for the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

(5) We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

(6) When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

(7) Disappointments are like road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!

(8) When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better.

(9) No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

(10) God didn't promise days without pain, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

(^_^) wish to leave the office sooner. it's kinda late. as in LATE.

Death and Dreams

2005-08-25T17:01:00.000+07:00

It's been a while since I last posted an entry here. It's not that I am busy.. just that I feel I've got nothing nice to write. But I miss blogging. So here I am. This one's not gonna be nice but go and read anyway.

I have read about death and that people came to think of it once they are aged already. Nah! I have thought about it. You think I am of age already? I don't wanna think so. But yes, I have thought about it. Last Monday dawn, I was thinking of the possibility that I leave this world. I never recalled if I was saddened but I realized I should be doing things like it's my last- laugh, talk, eat, share... just enjoy moments and be good while enjoying. I wonder how people would recall the way I am- plus? or minus? I wannna be remembered nicely. I think all of us want it that way. The plain question is "HOW?". Well, I really don't know. We need to please people to be remembered nicely. I believe I just have to please my parents and all those around me. I could not please everyone though. But, at least, I tried to please them while pleasing myself too, that is, while doing what I want.

Then came to me... This world would be a better place if we strive hard not to be the cause of someone else's headache especially those who love us. This world is a mess because, first and foremost, kids become their parent's problem and husbands or wives become their partner's problem. If we strive not to be the cause of someone else's misery, then there would be a better family atmosphere... better environment... and then, a better world. But first, let us not be the cause of our very own problem. The things we do or do not do contribute so much to the things that messed up our lives. How we live our lives should be patterned to the way we wanted life to be. No one's gonna have a good life if he doesn't live a good one himself. No one's gonna be successful, if he doesn't strive to be one himself. What became of us is the result of what we do especially those we keep doing. Yes, success is a lot easier for a few, and a lot harder for some, yet, however hard or easy it is, if we don't paddle our way towards being successful, success won't be at hand. And life might remain a mess. Then we realize that it isn't the kind of life we wanted. But that is the kind of life we've been living.

Go towards north, if you wanna reach north. Go the other way, and you'll never reach north but south. That is, the same with dreams, you have to walk each day towards your planned destination and never make a step back. If you will, you are getting even farther. But first, ask yourself, which direction you really wanna go. If you still don't know, pause and reflect. Don't go where everyone else is going. Because, by the time you realize you are on the wrong road, it will be too late for you to go back. You will be too old then and destination will become even farther... perhaps, out of reach.

So, before you go on a journey, create a business plan. Should unexpected bills come up, countercheck your business plan, surely, there is a strategy for you to follow written in there to reach you business objective.

Life is like that. A good life is something that must be planned, designed and must be implemented.

If you're not ready to make your dreams a reality, go on sleeping.

It Is Madness

2005-08-18T10:53:00.000+07:00

It is madness...

To hate all roses
because you got scratched with one thorn...

To give up on your dreams
because one didn't come true...

To lose faith in prayers
Because one was not answered...

To give up on your efforts
Because one of them failed...

To condemn all your friends
Because one betrayed you...

Not to believe in love
Because someone was unfaithful or didn'ft love you back...

To throw away all your chances to be happy

Because you did not succeed on the first attempt....

I hope that as you go on your way

You don't give in to madness

Remembering always ...

Another chance may come up

Another friend

A new love

A renewed strength

Be persistent

Look for happiness in every day.

The sure path to failure is to give up! It is often through failure that future success comes. Keep trying!

Got this cute stuff from a friend. I don't really know who to acknowledge. Whoever, writes this, thank you.

Same Ground

2005-08-15T17:12:00.000+07:00

Same Ground

Kitchie Nadal

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love was beyond
What human can imagine
More it clears
The more i gotta let you go

'cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love
Is a word just thrown
A litlle bit too much of this
Excuse to fill this infinite of desire
And never ever have to fade

Cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fails
Would you be brave to see right through me?

Grabe! This is one of the songs I love deeply. Super cool is the voice of Kitchie. I wish I could sing the song well enough.... a bit closer to how she does.

Goodbye

2005-08-15T17:07:00.000+07:00

Goodbye

For every hello, there lurks goodbye. For everything in this world passes by.

Life is goes on and on no matter what. Everyday that comes, passes. It's true to every situation, things and places. Some seem to last for a lifetime. But not really. They do have to go sooner or later. That is the nature of life. Nothing remains. Nothing stays the same. For if nothing changes, life is boring. Change makes life more interesting. Without it, life is monotonous and everything is familiar. Everything is seen the way they always are. Indeed, it's gonna be boring. Imagine that.

But there are some things in life, we wish would stay that way forever. There are some things we never want to see changing. But they do. And we don't always know how soon or later they change. Just that they do change, some, slowly, some, quickly...before we even realize that they were once there.

Life is full of wonders and surprises. Goodbyes. Hellos. These are a few of them. Some things come. Some things go. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes living easier. Sometimes, we never really know if it hurts or not, till things or people go and bade ur goodbye.

A goodbye often hurts and often relieves. It hurts maybe because there may be still some words left unsaid. How painful a goodbye is determines how many words are there left unspoken or deeds left undone.

But a goodbye is necessary before we get the chance of meeting again. So, don't be dismayed with goodbyes.

Goodbye Shiera. I'm hoping for a positive outcome of your newly-chosen adventure. When you have the chance to climb higher, go! Life is more beautiful when you're at it's peak. Because it is only there, where you can have a sight of the whole view. Ganbatte kudasai. Mata aimashou.

Top 15 Modern Sayings

2005-08-10T13:11:00.000+07:00

1. Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?

2. Save water. Shower with your girl friend.
3. The wise never marry.. and when they marry they become otherwise.

4. I was born intelligent,education ruined me.
5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say?

6. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

7. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

8. One should love animals. They are so tasty.
9. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

10. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop

11. Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

12. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

13. "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!

14. The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn?
15. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

acknowledgment:

the content of this entry is from a forwarded email. the blog owner does not claim ownership of this one. cheers to partner roc for sharin' this one to me!

For A Special Friend

2005-08-09T15:03:00.000+07:00

Cute note with a cute pic.

I just thought of showing this one for I think this is nice. The message, if not readable says: "I never knew what wonders a friend can do... Yes, surely they can change things around you into smiles, Sunshines and happiness. Just the way you keep on doing, always."

Dear Betsy

2005-08-09T09:38:00.000+07:00

Dear Betsy,

I would like to tell you how much I need you. I have purposely held off writing to you and in doing so, I had turned over and over in my mind, all these past few days, why I am here and you are there- so far and so beyond my reach. It had always been that way, and I have always known it, better perhaps than you ever will. My perception of the world is different from yours; it is not just a matter of age, or of different geographies. It is just that you are up there and I am down here.

I do not want to say good-bye again, or to repeat what I have said, that in these two years, you have become a part of my life, and I feel for you what I feel for myself, these tissues, this skin. I have grown so familiar with you, the contour of your body, the smell of your breath, the soft warm crevices of your mouth, and the whole wonder of you. I know now how difficult it is to be alone, to be here in this senseless confine not only of my own being but of this wretched city, and to know that you are not here where I can glory not just in your nearness but in the thought that you did love me.

And at night, I lie awake, and I speak your name as if it were some incantation that would dispel this loneliness for now, I am really alone. I whisper to these cold, rusting walls, to the damp cement floor, to the emptiness around me, Betsy, Betsy�c but I can only hear the echo within me and so I wonder how you are, if you are happy as I hope you will be, and I pray that you be not tormented as I am, that your nights are slept and your days are bright, and if you remember, may they be those times that we shared, the coffee shop, the tawdry rooms and the sheet that was stained with red, the books that had to be read, and Tondo where I had tasted your sweat; yes, so many of these now crowd my mind, and they are all crystal clear, pictures, events, places- all of them important only because we knew them, lived them, and they have become us.

I did not want to write this letter, but it is one way by which I can escape this bleakness which now encompasses me. Now, too, I know how it is to be what I am and to remember what you are, life giver, my joy and my sorrow.

You will forget, not because you are young, but because you are far away, and having forgotten, it will all be over and you may, on some occasion, remember, perhaps, because this is the way things are and we can not change them. I don�ft know if I will forget; one can never be sure, but I know that you are now my wife, not because God or a priest has sanctified our union but because this is how I regard you. Though I may sleep with other women, I know there will always be you- separate from the rest, not just because I feel that you have given me yourself, or your faith and trust, all of which I do not deserve, but because I have given myself to you as I will never give myself to anyone.

I will be leaving Tondo now and I wish I knew my final destination- but I do not; the compulsions that we have talked about will take me to regions I will not recognize, but wherever they may be, there will be a light to guide me, a talisman which will make me endure and you are all of these.

But above all, you are the proof I will always hold precious and true. Thank you, dear Betsy, for being with us in thought and deed. There are a few like you, comfortable and secure, who have chosen to be with us; I will doubt them in a way I once doubted you and they must bear the burden of proving themselves as you have done. Only time will tell and time, alas, is fickle in a way I will never be, now that I know who I am, now that I know what to do.

So let me go away loving you, and losing you, for, in the end, we will lose all those we love.

Signed: JS

Taken from "Mass" by F. Sionil Jose, pp251-252. It hurts me reading this letter. Jose had always insisted that oil and water could never be one. You also think so?

Injustice

2005-08-09T08:37:00.000+07:00

"How do I get out of here?" I asked.

"If you are poor- you cannot get out. There are no rich people in jail. They can afford bail, the best lawyers. They can even buy judges."

"I am poor." I said. "A self-supporting student. But I am innocent. I have not committed any crime. I swear to you... "

"Who is innocent and who is guilty?" He shook his head. "The poor are always guilty and the rich are always innocent."

Taken from "Mass" by F. Sionil Jose. Really is a striking novel. You had better read it too. (Yonda hou ga ii desu.)

Wants and Needs

2005-08-05T15:34:00.000+07:00

Today, I would like to announce that I grab myself a want-an iPod. Yep, an iPod. It's quiet a thing to discuss here for it is a want and not a need. It's quiet hard releasing the cash. "Oh! Am I sure?" This was what came to my mind when I finally paid for this. It's not really a big deal for some, but it is, for me. I have never really tried pampering myself with wants. Needs must come first. This is how I was brought up. You see, I have never bought myself expensive stuffs for no big reasons at all. But this time, I give in. Because I love this stuff and I can't live without it! Darn... me kidding again. Of course, I could go on breathing without this one. Of course, life is life without this one. But I still got myself this techy thing coz I love music. And I want to have this as my companion on mornings, on my way to the office while walking and on evenings, while walking too. Of course, I can walk and reach or walk and leave the office without this! Why not? But... yes! but... it's a nice thing to listen to music while walking. I seem not alone anymore when I am. And it feels good not being alone, right? It feels good.

This is a gift I gave to myself. This is the most expensive techy thing I got myself so far. Surprising, maybe to others who find this one cheap.

The next thing to do now is to download my fave music.

Best Medicine

2005-08-03T15:28:00.000+07:00

A wise physician said to me, " I have been practicing medicine for 30 years and I have prescribed many things, But in the long run I have learned that for most of what ails the human creature, the best medicine is LOVE."

"What if it doesn't work? I asked. "Double the dose" he replied.

Ang Sampung Prutas

2005-08-02T15:51:00.000+07:00

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. dinala sila sa harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo. nagmakaawa yung mga hunters. naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon. kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.

naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. unang dumating si Pedro, dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet. kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro. agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo. sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones. tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na prutas ang kino-lekta ko. Naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang puwit ng walang problema. ngunit nung nasa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa. pugot-ulo agad sabi Chief.

pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya si Pedro. nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa mo yung utos. isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! buhay ka pa sana ngayon.

ano bang nangyari sayo?

Juan: pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. kaso, nung
matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose -- may dala-dalang 10
pakwan!

The Day You Said Goodnight

2005-07-30T13:00:00.000+07:00

THE DAY YOU SAID GOODNIGHT
_hale_

Take me as you are
Push me off the road
the sadness,
I need this time to be with you
I'm freezing in the sun
I'm burning in the rain
The silence
I'm screaming,
Calling out your name

Bridge:
And i do reside in your light
that puts up the fire with me and find
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye

Chorus:
To be is all i gotta be
And all that i see
And all that i need this time
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

The calmness in your face
That i see through the night
The warmthess your light is pressing unto us
You didn't ask me why
I never would have known
oblivion is falling down

Bridge:
And i do reside in your light
Put out the fire with me and find
Yeah you'll lose the side of your circles
That's what i'll do if we say goodbye

Chorus:
To be is all i gotta be
And all that i see
And all that i need this time
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

If you could only know me like your prayers at night
Then everything between you and me will be alright.

Chorus:
To be is all i gotta be
And all that i see
And all that i need this time
To me the life you gave me
The day you said goodnight.

She's already taken,
She's already taken
She's already taken me
She's already taken,
She's already taken me

The day you said goodnight

A Mexican Love Story

2005-07-30T10:41:00.000+07:00

Today, I got this nice forwarded email from a friend. I find it nice so I guess it's worth this page.

MEXICAN LOVE STORY

Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother". So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria otra vez there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

Nice, isn't it?

Climbing Osmena Peak

2005-07-29T10:38:00.000+07:00

July 23, 2005, Saturday. We left Cebu for Mantalongon to climb Osmena Peak and trek to Kawasan Falls the next day. It's really a tiresome job climbing the mountains and hills to reach the peak. In the end, it pays to reach there. Indeed the climb gets harder when the peak gets nearer, as I've learned in my wall climbing session. What matters really is not reaching the peak but the obstacles surpassed to reach the peak. That's really amazing and I'm glad I've reached that far. Tiresome. But it's worth it.

We cooked our meals, made tents, chatted and climbed a lot. We slept over a little below the peak. Twas so cold there that my double long pants and my triple upper garment didn't work as I expected. My back was aching with a little stones on my back. Made me realize I am so blessed to have a bed at home unlike those unfortunate ones.

Really, when you experienced having less or not having at all after really having it, you realize how blessed you are for having things you have never really appreciated. Now, it came to me that I must appreciate my bed and the roof and walls in my room for providing me enough warmth and comfort especially at night. The same is true for every thing or person you might have taken for granted because they've always been there. You realize their importance when you lose sight of them. No kidding here. Good enough that I still have my bed to sleep when I came back, unlike those who realize a thing's or person's importance just when they lose them. Too late baby. It's too late.

Let's get back to my climbing experience. The walk was really long, maybe about 3 hours. We were following trails of the previous climbers and sometimes, we created our own trails when we want to walk a different path. Sometimes, we succeed, sometimes, we got back to the original trails.

There were 13 of us climbing the mountain. I only know two of them before the event. But they all became my friends as we go along the way.

The toughest job, I've done so far now, is trekking to Kawasan Falls for 6.5 long hours. Yes, 6.5 hours. That's really tough. Consider the wet trails and so steep ones and the distance too. Oh! It really pains my feet, legs and back. Imagine that. Only walking along trails along steep mountains. That's the most amazing thing I have ever done.

But upon hearing the falling of waters, I suddenly forgot about all the pains in my body. We rested awhile then dip ourselves to the cool waters of Kawasan Falls. Explore the water source. Dive. Sail. Picture-take. Walk. Eat. Chat. Laugh. These are the essential part of it all.

Really Want It

2005-07-13T08:56:00.000+07:00

Loving Someone

2005-07-12T01:11:00.000+07:00

"When you love a person, you don't just love him, you also give him the power to hurt you."

Short and Simple! :) It stands without having the need to explain it. And it's true. Amen?

Cousin Mae

2005-07-08T14:34:00.000+07:00

This is my very cute cousin Francis Mae. We fondly call her em-em. She's so cute, funny, witty and talented. She was eating stik-O when I thought of letting her pose for this wonderful pic. She did it well as you may have seen. Oh! I love looking at her whatever she does. She is very talkative and warm. She loves hugging and being hugged, kissing and being kissed. She is an angel who makes us forget all our worries and problems. She can sing, act and dance. At the age of 1, she opens a book and pretends to be reading it. She also tried playing my PC then- typing on the keyboard and watching the monitor's display. She loves watching a video of herself and pictures too. After taking her pic, she asks you to show it to her before you could take another.

I remember watching "Winnie The Pooh" with her, when she's 1 year old. She cried when Pooh fell from the tree. Her favorite movie is Garfield. Well, I say so, because, she watches the movie immediately every after she wakes up in the morning. My dad has become tired watching the movie with her.

Her favorite hip-hop music is "Don't You Just Know". She loves singing "HAHAHA... HEYEYO! COOBAH COOBAH COOBAH... HAHAHA". And she refuses to dance if she doesn't like the music being played.

Her greatest fear? The sound of a running motorcycle or a hand drill in motion.

Her favorite food? stik-o? not really. She just loves eating spaghetti and french fries. Well, actually, she loves eating whatever we give her that's why she looks obviously healthy.

My dad, mom and sisters... we all just love her. And it's a sigh when the day turns to night, because we had to say good night and let her go to the place where she belongs- her own "home sweet home".

Wall Climbing

2005-07-07T15:11:00.000+07:00

I have always been so curious about how it feels climbing a vertically straight wall with a few grips. Till one day my curiosity got satisfied. Wall Climbing-one of the toughest job I ever did. This was the first and only time (so far) I did it. Not that it is tough but because I never had the chance to do it again. But if time allows, I will do it again. It's challenging and requires a lot of energy for you to be able to carry your self (i.e. the totality of your weight). I was the first one to climb the wall from among my 4 friends (officemates). Perhaps because I was braver and more curious than they are. I'd like to note the date- it's May 11, 2005 around 6:30pm, after work at Metrosports, Lahug.

Before starting to climb, we were provided with a 10-minute orientation of the basics of wall climbing- do's and don't's, safety precautions, and the like. We had a warm-up exercise and then testing of how to tie ourselves safely and also we were taught what to say to signal the belayer that we're climbing or to signal the climber that you're belaying. You got to say "CLIMBING..." when you wish to start climbing, "CLIMB ON!" is the reply of the belayer. This must be done to ensure that the belayer is ready and is looking up at you while you climb. When you reach the top and you want to go down, you say "BELAY" and the belayer will say "BELAYING" and he releases the rope to slowly release you. When the belayer says "BELAYING" you have to sit on your harness so that it would be easier for you to go down. Remember to protect yourself while being belayed by pushing your legs against the wall but not tightly, just a push and bounce so that you won't get injured or anything to that effect.

Oh! It seems that I'm giving a basic Wall Climbing lecture here. Don't you think so? Just being a little informative from what a beginner has learned.

For those who want to lose weight, Wall Climbing is surely an effective exercise. Climbing did make me sweat a lot immediately right after I start moving my legs. You should try it too.

It's fun, challenging and fulfilling to reach the top! It's like facing a life's struggle(problems, quizzes, difficulties...) and surpassing them all after bravely facing them. You will appreciate yourself for climbing on, though you may have rested, but you never QUIT.

The climb gets tougher when the peak gets nearer. Conquer your fear! Reach the top!

Night With Friends

2005-07-06T09:25:00.000+07:00

Introducing, my bestfriend yokie and my new friend mic2x. We had dinner at Yellow Cab last night and had fun chatting and eating pizza. Mic2x is Dennis' (a very close friend) wifey. I believe they are perfect partners because they believe so. :) I hope to have another eating and chatting with them. It's really nice to meet classmates and get to know how things are doing with them since we parted ways. I guess, we all had fun. I was a surprisingly bubbly last night. I believe. Well, I guess I just felt so at home with my friends and I'm just so glad to see that we're all fine and doing, hmnnn.... i guess, well.

No Greater Love

2005-07-05T02:08:00.000+07:00

It's another manic Monday! It's raining quiet hard and it's flooding outside the office. I wish it's still sleeping time, but it's not- it's working hours. I don't really know what to say... Oh, I hope that my Papa will be able to go back to work again after that liver cancer. Though I doubt he gets a fit-to-work certification cause I know he's not that fit to work again. But we'll see.

Sharin' again one of my fave song by Rachel Lampa. This one's super nice.

No Greater Love

Before I knew your name
You knew my every breath
Before I found my way
You knew my every step
Before I knew everything that I need
You gave it all to me

(Chorus)No greater love than this
That you should lay down your life
For someone such as me
I'd spend a life time wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
Than this

I never understood
How mercifull love could be
Untill I felt His flame
Light every part of me
And I would give everything that I am
Cause I have been saved
Yes I have been saved

(Chorus)
No greater love than this
That you should lay down your life
For someone such as meI spend a life time wondering why
The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love

Ooohh...

The beauty of heaven is here in my heart
And I know there can be
No greater love
For someone such as me
No greater love
Than this

photo by: Patrick Picasos
lyrics source: http://www.lyrics007.com/Rachel%20Lampa%20Lyrics/No%20Greater%20Love%20Lyrics.html

Wrong Again

2005-07-02T12:27:00.000+07:00

I love this song. And I would like to share this to my friends, hoping that they will like this too. :)

Wrong again
(Martina McBride)

From the day we met
You made me forget
All my fears
Knew just what to say
And you kissed away
All my tears

I knew this time
I had finally found
Someone to build my life around
Be a lover and a friend

After all my heart had put me through
I knew that it was safe with you
And what we had would never end
Wrong again

Everybody swore
They’d seen this before
We’d be fine
And you’d come to see that you still loved me
In good time

And they said there’s nothing you can do
It’s something that he’s going through
It happens to a lot of men
And I told myself that they were right
That you’d wake up and see the light
And I just had to wait ’til then
Wrong again

And it seemed to me the pain would last
My chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited ’round the bend
I was sure I’d never find someone
To heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend
Wrong again
Wrong again

Acknowledgment:
Photo by : Patrick Picasos
Lyrics from : http://www.lyrics007.com/Martina%20McBride%20Lyrics/Wrong%20Again%20Lyrics.html

Friend's Wedding

2005-06-26T05:31:00.000+07:00

Taken during a friend's wedding (June 25, 2005). I was there as a bride's maid. I love the gown for its style and color (monochromatic orange). Beside me is my honey pie, my partner while walking down the aisle.

Oh! I'd like to share what I've learned from one of the speeches given by one of the primary sponsors. When arguing, the husband always has the last say. What does he say? Hmmnn.....Simple...- "Yes, dear!"

Seriously, the speaker said, if you must have a lasting marriage life, you must be able to maintain the friendship. It's boring to see your partner always as your partner. It's more exciting to see your partner as your friend, your bestfriend indeed. And sometimes, respect for a friend is more than respect for a partner, especially when arguing.

ABOUT ME

2004-06-25T16:17:00.002+07:00

100 Things About Me

Go read through this if you have the luxury of time and if you want to.

(1) I am a Sagittarian, born December 18, 1980.

(2) Parents originally wanted to have 2 children. Dad wanted to have a male child that's why I was born.

(3) When I was born, Dad was the only person with mom. Mom gave birth to me without any aid from anybody.

(4) My parents are both elementary school undergraduates. My father studied but did not finish grade 5, my mother, up to grade 4.

(5) I have 3 more sisters and no bro at all. We are 6 in the family.

(6) I am the third daughter.

(7) I am the only one in the family who doesn't love going to discos and out-of-towns. ( I dance but I don't love discos. I go out-of-town once in a while but I hate packing things and unpacking them when I get back.)

(8) I was the only member in the family who could ask papa to go home when it's late and he's hanging out with friends drinking alcoholic drinks.

(9) I rejoice with having a new pad paper when I was in grade school.

(10) My favorite food was scrambled egg. I get fed up with dried fish and veggies.

(11) I acted like I was mom when she's not around- scolded my sis for not doing her assignment. I think I still do even if I'm not the eldest.

(12) I am frugal ever since. I asked for ice water instead of getting one myself during lunch breaks besides I did not have enough money to buy ice water.

(13) Used detergent bar as shampoo during my elementary years. Man, my hair looked dull and hard to brush.

(14) I am used to walking. I walked to and fro school when I was in Elementary (about 20 minutes) and from school to home when I was in High School (about an hour).

(15) I loved picking guavas in the forest, eating them and selling what I could not consume. Business-minded ever since.

(16) I was a classroom vendor. I sold candies, chocs, and the like. Told you I am a business-minded gal.

(17) I love peanuts. One time, I overate peanuts- a kilo of it and then I suffered vomiting and LBM the next day.

(18) I swore I wouldn't anymore eat peanuts since then.

(19) But in just a week, I am eating nuts again. Can't get enough of it.

(20) I am a farmer. Have done all these-cleaning the field, planting corn, peanuts and beans, giving them fertilizer and harvesting them. Swear!

(21) My mom always wrapped all of us (kids) with long pants and jackets for protection against sunlight and weeds.

(22) I had my first crush when I was in Grade two. I was 8 years old then. My crush was a classmate but he's older by about 4 years.

(23) When I was a child, I love writing on our green wall. It is a blackboard to me.

(24) I love teaching and used act like one in school and at home.

(25) Originally dreamed of being a teacher but ended up being a Computer Engineer.

(26) Mom wanted me to choose another field after my two elder sisters became teachers.

(27) The wildest dream I had when I was a kid, according to my mom, was having my own car. Up to now, I still want to have one.

(28) I danced a lot when I was in Elementary; first dance was Pearly Shells.

(29) I lived in my uncle's (my second dad) house for a year or two when i was in grade school. I was doing a little of house-helping and companying my aunt (my second mom).

(30) They are financially supporting me and my sisters' education when my parents don't have enough.

(31) Joined all sorts of stage presentations and contests then including singing competition. First song I sang in an inter-school competition was "Bayan Ko" (by Asin- not so sure).

(32) Won second place then.

(33) I quit dancing when I entered high school. I believe I wasn't good enough.

(34) I joined Miss United Nations and won Miss Friendship when I was in first year high school.

(35) I joined journalism when I was in first year and became the school's News Editor when I reached second year.

(36) Won News Writing up to Regional Level and was sent to Koronadal South Cotabato for the National Competition. I was second year then. I was with fourth year schoolmates.

(37) Didn't make it in the National Level.

(38) Journey to Cotabato was my first time to be away from home without a family member with me. Mama cried when I left for Cotabato is known to be a dangerous place.

(39) I was a girl scout from Elementary till High School. Always the Scout Leader.

(40) I am a crying gal; cry so easily- when hurt, worried and even when angry.

(41) I am a home buddy; prefer to stay home rather than roam around malls and hop islands.

(42) Rarely watch movies on a movie house. I've only watched utmost 10 movies there. I prefer watching movies at home. First movie that i watched was "Maalaala Mo Kaya The Movie". I was already in High School.

(43) Best movie I've watched- "What Lies Beneath". I love suspense and horror films- those that seem to take my spirit away from me for a while.

(44) I don't give money as a form of help to beggars; I give foods instead.

(45) Every now and then, I clean and clear my closet from clothes I don't wear anymore and give it away to those who need it. One man's garbage is another man's treasure.

(46) I stayed in an orphanage when I was in second year college. My mom didn't want me to get a pad, way too expensive for us then.

(47) Reared two kids in the orphanage. I get so attached to them. Realized there are some unlucky kids on earth given to irresponsible/immature parents.

(48) All the guys I've got attracted to got attracted to me first. I don't get attracted to men who are not attracted to me first.

(49) My mother knows all those who courted me. They all had to visit me at home.

(50) House rule: No boyfriend while studying.

(51) We all broke the house rule but with permission. I was the last one who broke it.

(52) I've only have one boyfriend since birth. (Still counting though). I was 20 years old then, fourth year college.

(53) I am a certified SM (ShoeMart) Foundation Scholar (joined 1997 and graduated 2002). Forever grateful to SM!

(54) I got the scholarship not really because of brain but of financially instability and visible drive to succeed.

(55) I consider Ms. Bernaldez (SM Foundation Scholars' Project Director )as a great mentor and spiritual adviser.

(56) I am grateful to Mr. Jonathan S. Demol and his sister, Ms. Susan Demol for introducing me to the Scholarship. Mr. Jonathan S. Demol was a great mentor. I owe him a lot.

(57) I got my first job via internet.

(58) Got accepted December, 2001, 3 months before my graduation.

(59) I love surprises: No one in the family knew I was leaving for Japan not until my graduation, no one knew I was going back to the Philippines after a year of stay in Japan.

(60) Still with the same company as of this writing, Philippine-branch though.

(61) I love Japan, its people and the language but never the food and kanji.

(62) Won Nihongo speech, 1st prize among 21 candidates from different countries (Thailand, Indonesia, China, etc.) during my 6-week orientation course in Japan.

(63) Not really good at Japanese nor at speaking; just that I made one good (and very understandable) speech.

(64) Got a digicam when I got my first allowance (salary).

(65) Had a lot of international friends in the Training Center.

(66) I played basketball with men from China, Mongolia and Thailand every night in the training center.

(67) Famous for a while there, for playing the guitar one night on a party. Was actually a beginner with guitar but they did not realize that.

(68) I love pizza and sweets.

(69) I first tasted Pizza Hut's pizza when I was in Fourth Year College for financial reasons.

(70) I never spend beyond what I earn. NEVER yet.

(71) I don't think twice at buying gadgets, I think a thousand times.

(72) Gadgets I personally bought: on sale canon digicam, second hand nokia 3310 cellphone, second hand iPod and on sale E5105 Dell laptop.

(73) I am super conscious with my cellulites.

(74) I got back to dancing 3 years after I graduated college, for slimming purposes.

(75) I know a little of almost everything- dancing, singing, badminton, wall climbing, mountain climbing, journalism, driving. I'm the so-called jack of all the trades and master of none.

(76) I never engaged in sports activities when I was in school.

(77) Won 3rd place in Cebu Nihongo Speech contest on 2005 (coach: Mr. Flynn Bersales) and won first place when i joined again on 2006 (coach: Ms. Matayoshi Kazuyo).

(78) Tangible things I won: rice cooker and microwave oven (Nihongo Speech Contest); digicam and dvd player (Company's Christmas Raffle)

(79) I failed in the JLPT (Japanese Language Proficiency Test) Level 3 while my friends made it. My score, being 3 points less than the passing score. I think that is just a single item. Not so lucky me.

(80) I failed in JITSE (Japanese IT Standards Exam) and promised I would never take the test again. All my colleagues also failed. They made it on their second time. I did not take my second chance.

(81) I always wear high-heeled shoes/boots to increase my height.

(82) I love black- shirts, blouses, jeans, shoes.

(83) I am good at gaining weight, very poor at losing them.

(84) I can't move bowels without drinking my herbal tea. Darn...

(85) Originally used the tea for slimming, now I can't live without it. I am already depending on it for digestion.

(86) I love eating and eat a lot when I'm desperate.

(87) I am a desperate baker. Been looking forward to grab my own oven and start baking.

(88) My weight is directly proportional to my hair length. When I grow my hair long, I gain weight, when I wear it short, I lose weight. Yah, I know it's strange.

(89) I don't like kids younger than 2 years old; they can't talk that's why.

(90) I hate people who come late especially those who demand you to be on time and yet they never make it themselves.

(91) I am not good at explanations. I can't even explain myself even if I have the right stand on things.

(92) I don't want to live more than 70 years. I won't be useful then and I will only cause hassle.

(93) I have never been admitted to the hospital. As in NEVER.

(94) My worst ailment so far is inflammation of sinusitis due to over fatigue. I blow blood on my nose but that's nothing serious. The doctor just made me rest.

(95) I've got astigmatism before and it caused me migraine. It got cured (naturally) in Japan.

(96) Migraine and astigmatism often strikes when I'm stressed and being rained on.

(97) I used to never fight for what I think is right, I now do, especially for my mom.

(98) My dad died of liver cancer on Feb 2006. I didn't cry a lot. I wanted to be my mom's strength.

(99) I believe in God. I believe dad is with HIM.
(100) I look forward to a painless death and to reside in the promised place, where there is no hatred and no suffering, HEAVEN.