just so you know...

this morning, i cried.

i was sleeping all so well. i slept at around 3a.m. It's New Year! it's only me and housemate in our pad. we didn't go out to join any countdown nor eat a grand meal; we only had pancit canton (3 packs of it) and 4 sticks of chicken barbeque. we hugged each other and jumped when the clock hit 12:00. it's new year! it sure is. then we ate our humble meal with pride. i knew i was happy but then, i knew there were these thoughts i didn't want to entertain in my mind. i remember things but quickly snap away with it.

housemate's lonely about not being able to spend the christmas and new year back home. it's odd though, but i don't feel the same way. it's not that i don't wanna spend the season back home; it is that, it's ok if i spend it there and ok if i don't. it's like, i don't really care. it's like, it doesn't matter much.

i personally, don't feel it's odd of me to feel this way. but when i try to compare my feelings with those of my friends' i know my feelings are odd. when friends back home email and send me messages saying, "i know you wanted so much to be back home and celebrate christmas and new year with your family, but you can do it there...", my mind says, "i don't really!. it's just a day or two. it's just like any ordinary day."

honestly, i didn't wanna answer myself why i didn't really like being home celebrating the season. i avoid thinking about the very reason why. until this morning.

8:00 a.m. and i was yet sleeping. i was dreaming. i had 2 different stories in my dreams. one immediately after the other. the later one helped me conclude the very reason why i am feeling odd.

remember that i told you my dad died of liver cancer? remember it was feb 22, 2006 that he left us? and remember we got the shock of our lives on december 22, 2005 knowing that chemotherapy won't work for him anymore? remember that i told you that we had christmas inside his room at the hospital and had new year back home? the worst one ever. because dad was on his sick bed and we were all musing him, helplessly. oh, i think i said it all.

that's it. that's all about it.

in my dream there was mom, dad, my sister (eldest), her mother-in-law and her bro-in law. the setting was our farm, the one opposite to our old house. all of us knew my father was soon leaving. we were talking about how stubborn dad was (about drinking alcohol) and how he treated us when he's drank. he said he was sorry. no one cried. i was holding my tears and holding words... but listening so deeply. i was just digging the soil, taking sweet potatoes and throwing it to some places. then, i find myself, saying a word. no tears. then i stopped digging. then i said a lot of words. then shed lot of tears. i told him those words that say "if only...". i told my dad... all my feelings... all the if only's. if only he listened to me/us... if only he took care of himself... i asked him lots of why's...i knew there were no answers. i didn't want answers, anyway. i just wanna say words, say how i felt - that i love him and somehow, i wished, he loved us back...enough, to at least take good care of himself to see us through all this time, to see how we slowly reach our dreams, to see his first grandchild- that little baby that my sister is holding...

i asked why he had to go. i promised him i'll take him and mom to japan... to where i am right now. and he was so excited about it. and so was i. i told him i'll buy us a car. and i'll drive him to work and we'll shop a lot. like he always wanted. and we'll stay in hotels and eat all those foods he always longed to eat. we'll do it. like rich people do. he dreamed of it. and i'll fulfill it for him.

but now, he's gone. i feel bad. i feel so bad. i always wanted to make him and mom happy; to make his and our dreams come true; to pay-off his (and mom's) hardwork for us. i always wanted to stroll around malls and eat on restaurants with all of us, with him, especially... because he always smiled when he's brought to dine at some fancy restaurants.

when i woke up, the tears were real. up to this point. and i remember everything. and i feel bad. and i feel so sorry. and i know for sure, christmas and new year will never ever be the same. not ever.

(i am not saying that he didn't love us. he sure did. but not taking good care of his ownself, makes, for me, his love for us, a lot less. don't you think so? when you love some people, you should take good care of yourself to be with them longer, right? because when you love someone, you wanna be with that someone, physically, for a long time. )

i hate it

i hate it when you smile.
i hate it when you frown.

i hate it when you crawl.
i hate it when you run.

i hate it when you stare.
i hate it when you close your eyes.

i hate it whe you talk.
i hate it when you're silent.

i hate it when you're dumb.
i hate it when you're wise.

i hate everything that you are.
i hate everything that you do.

i hate everything about you.
i hate it coz i love you.

damn... how i wish you know!

how coud you exist without knowing that i do?
how could you live without being mine?
how could you?

They say that love is shared by two, but why can't i share it with you?

To Enter Or Not To Enter Japan

Everything was set and ready. I've said my goodbyes and hugged my loved ones. I'll see them in a year. That's not quiet long. I've shed my tears. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. That's hurting me and those I am leaving.

My family sent me off to the airport and as early as 5:00 a.m we're already there. After checking in my luggage I went back to hug and kiss them all goodbye. PAINFUL. It always is. One year could either be long or short. But I told my mom, it is SHORT. I can handle myself and they could trust me on that.

Tears came rolling down while I set my butt on the airplane seat. It's normal. Then I reprogrammed my mind. It's gonna be fun in Japan. It will be fun as long as I want it to be fun. It all depends on me. I should be happy wherever I go. That's just about it. That's just about setting my mind. I shall not think of who and what's not with me but of who and what is with me. I shall learn to live with it. It is my choice.

Waited for about 6 hours in Manila airport before I set my foot to PAL bound for Osaka Japan. That was it. That was farewell to the Philippines and those I hold dear to my heart. Texting. Texting. Last farewell messages came in and out.

Arrived at around 7pm (Japan time) in Japan. Landed safely. SURPRISE. SURPRISE. The immigration officer, upon checking my papers, noticed my COE (Certificate of Eligibility) to had expired a month ago already. So there. Problem began. I was brought inside the immigration office inside the airport by an immigration officer. I was explained that my paper is already invalid. The landing permission has expired. And yeah, I knew it but didn't mind it. I was interviewed - what kind of job I will be doing, what's the employer's name and contact number, etc. They googled my employer's company profile and then had to ask me again several questions. The contact number I gave can't be reached because it's already beyond office hours. So, I was asked for my employer's mobile number. Gosh! I stored in on my mobile phone only and I thought I had no battery anymore. I consumed it while I was in the Philippines saying goodbyes and the like.

Tried to turn my mobile phone and ALAS! it turns on. For a while, the SIM didn't seem to work. I can't browse numbers. And of course, I had no signal for it's not a roaming SIM. Tried again after a minute and then it worked. I got my boss's mobile number and gave it to the officer and then he contacted him. After some explanations, I was released from the immigration office and was allowed to enter Japan.

Huh! It scared me. I did have my farewell party already and freed my treasured career only to be back before I even landed properly here. That's a lot of shame.

Praise GOD!

Farewell Message

Incredibly, this is my last day of work as a System Engineer at EPSON.

I would like to thank so many people for being such good colleagues and advisers. Not least of course, the Multimedia team who have been such good workmates and friends.

I have enjoyed my two and a half years of stay here and I think it is very timely for me to take off and get ready for new challenges ahead. I'm goin' home tonight and will wake up differently tomorrow and more differently in the days to come. I shall miss you guys and this workplace. I shall miss the laughter and the tears. Sure, I will.

I am so sorry for the mistakes I made; for not being the one I was expected to be; for saying/doing things that might have hurt you; for not saying anything when I should have.

I thank you so much for being a part of this journey of mine. You have all contributed to how i live my everyday; to who I am right now. You have been inspirations to me, whether you pushed or pulled me.

Life keeps movin' and so do we. So, goodbye for now and see you again someday. I wish, by then, we could still recognize each other and exchange warmer smiles and louder hello's.

I wish the best of luck for the present and future members of EPSON.

laughing a lot, crying a little...

It's a whole day seminar (7:30-5:00). I thought it would be very boring. I was soo wrong.

They had wonderful speakers. Really good ones. Not that they have good accent or good pronunciations but that they discuss subjects in a way that attracts listeners. They are not the bookish-type ones. They do not speak with respect to theories or reading materials, although research results have been mentioned where necessary. I so love every bit of the seminar. I have learned a lot. I thought about attending the seminar as simply completing a requirement. I thought it will only be a review of what I already know.

It is a priviledge being there. I laughed a lot, cried a little.

The following are what I have learned from the speakers and may only be true/applicable to my country and fellowmen:

on the OCW and his dependents:

(1) that the decision to go abroad must be approved by loved ones (especially by the husband/wife for the married ones). without their approval, it's foreseen that even little problems during the OCW's stay abroad could cause a big fight.
(2) that the dependents of the OCW have the tendency to consider the worker as a source of income more than a dear one. and that when they call, they are more up to remittances rather than the worker's condition. huh!
(3) that married siblings (and relatives) of the OCW will, most likely, ask for financial support from the OCW for their own children's needs such as education and hospitalization and this ask for help will become the OCW's responsibility rather than a choice because he becomes selfish if he cease helping.
(4) that the OCW should have concrete plans for his going abroad rather than simply thinking about it because he doesn't get to realize dreams which are only written on the head
(5) that the OCW should share his dreams to his dependents especially to the allotee so that they know how to spend their allotment wisely in harmony with the worker's dreams.
(6) that if the OCW keeps to himself his plans, the dependents, will most likely splurge the money he sends thinking it was easy for him to earn them.
(7) that when the OCW returns home, he realizes that he needs to go back abroad rather than stay with his family for good because he has no savings and going abroad will be a cycle.

on the philippines and the filipinos working abroad:

(1) that the philippines used to be a nice place and a developed country next to japan during the 1950's.
(2) had the filipinos who lived before, maintained the economic stability, the philippines could have been far better than it is right now.
(3) that it would have been other races serving for filipinos rather than filipinos serving for other races. that inside a filipino's home is an imported DH rather than a filipino being a DH abroad.
(4) that these days, filipinos are used as front-ends of jobs abroad especially dangerous ones. filipinos are the ones using harmful chemicals in a factory. if the filipino gets himself damaged by those chemicals, then he's sent back to the philippines for he's no longer useful and another filipino takes his place.
(5) that testing of harmful chemicals is done by filipinos before a company concludes whether it's good or bad to use.
(6) that filipino nurses are the ones assigned to take care of the patients suffering from communicable and non-curable diseases so that only the filipinos are exposed to the virus.
(7) that domestic helpers are prone to being raped and abused by employers


on HIV/AIDS:

(1) that HIV/AIDS could be transferred to any person without him expecting it for he could get it in 3 ways - the usual way, drug injection and blood transfusion.
(2) that SEAMEN are highest number of persons who get HIV/AIDS
(3) that the number 2 among those who acquired HIV are the DHs, 3rd are the entertainers
(4) that HIV positive persons should never be discriminated because they are not harmful ones and because, there is a law that protects them.
(5) that if you get the HIV, you can live for a lot more years if you have Php30,000-60,000/month for the A.R.V (forget what this means, but this is to guard the immune system from being attacked by the virus, not a cure).

and why did i laugh a lot and cry a little? i laughed because, the speakers were so funny while delivering realities and i cry a little because the speaker who delivered the HIV/AIDS topic who was the funniest of them all ended up his discussion with...
"In front of you is an HIV victim. Guess you never realized that!"

[Some lessons are learned the hard way.]

Someone New, Something New

October 28, 2006 (Sat, 12MN)

Sister R called up informing me and mom that my sister S is already experiencing labor pains and they're already on their way to the maternity hospital. I woke my mom up and she rushed to get the box of baby clothes which she and BIL (bro-in-law) prepared months ago. She then woke my cousin up to drive her and sister R to some place where they could get a taxi to the hospital. 12:10, I texted sister S to give her encouragement and support. 1:45, she texted me back, she delivered the baby safely.



That fast.



October 29, 2006 (Sun)

They left the hospital and went to their home-sweet-home.



October 30, 2006 (Mon)

Off they come to our house. Sister S will need my mom's aid especially when my BIL's out and workin'. And so, there goes all of us, around the baby's crib, watching her every move, taking note of her features and to whom are each a copy of. 8 months after my dad left, she came. somehow, like a replacement of the one we lost. but it could have been merrier with dad around. he had been looking forward to see his grandchild. too bad, he's not here anymore. too bad, he can't hold those little hands and feet nor hear those little voice that cries when she's wet and hungry and smiles when she's tickled.



Sheina Denise Nicole. That's her name; the angel who breaks the silence and replaces it with laughter.



That deafening silence is all over.

[I realized that all babies are beautiful. They are innocent ones. They are angels. They are blank pieces of white papers. What parents decide to write on those papers will be a REALLY big factor on how they grow up.]

series of events

October 12, 2006

Last Tuesday, I decided to reject the job offer of company A and chose to rather wait for the certificate coming from company B because I felt I prefer to work for company B better than company A. The reason is the considerable difference in the amount of pay. The hardest thing about having made this decision is that company B may not be able to get my certificate approved by the Immigration Bureau and therefore, I may end up not be able to work for any of these two companies. The certificate I have with company A is soon to expire and after that, I shall wait in wonder whether I will be able to receive a certificate sponsored by company B or not. The certainty level is high at 95%, but 5% is such a number still.

I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I emailed company A rejecting the offer and emailed company B accepting the offer. Company A reacted immediately while company B was late to react. Having appreciated company A's effort to convince me and not having received any reply from company B made me decide, perhaps I shall go for company A. I made a decision again. I was convinced and was afraid again of the 5% failure that might happen if I choose company B. Company B later emailed and convinced that I do not go for company A. But I already did. And by that time, I wasn't anymore open to changing my mind. That's already a lot of decisions over a single thing in a week. That's too much. So, I go for what was certain at the time.

October 16, 2006

I went to apply for a working visa and crossed my fingers again for its approval after 3 working days. Considering the many unsure decisions I have made, I told the Lord that if it's HIS will that I'd go for company A then my visa will be approved, if not, then, I shall wait for company B's certificate or perhaps, work for my current employer for more years and be with my family.

October 19, 2006

I got butterflies on my stomach when I went to claim my passport - it could either have or not have a new entry (a visa). I thought I wanted the visa but was willing to accept the Lord's will for, in the first place, I wasn't sure of my decision. And yes, the Lord wills it. I got an approved single-entry working visa. Right there and then, the thought of being away from my family (esp. mom) and friends sank in. I cried realizing I really have to be away. That was the only moment during my job hunting that I felt the loneliness of being away. Oh, how I worry about my mom living without dad and me. This is sure tough.

I texted my sisters and informed them of my decision. They wanted me to stay, to accompany my mom but whatever I would decide on, they're up to it. I told my mom about everything and my decision and she told me that wherever my heart is, she's supporting me. So, there, things got okay with my family.

October 20, 2006

I scheduled this day to be the day I'll notify my employer about my career decision. I got up early for I was scheduled to have a meeting prior to reporting for work. I left the house 7 a.m. Unfortunately, I met a motorcycle accident 5 minutes after I left the house. The driver did apply a sudden hand brake while we're going down a steep road. It isn't supposed to be that way. In just a blink of an eye, we were on the ground- the driver and me. I felt the pain on my foot, leg and face. I thought, maybe, the Lord did not want me to resign. I got scratches on my right knee, right cheek, right wrist and right chest. I got a little bone dislocation on my right foot and right arm. Real bad! My sister scolded the driver for not driving safely and carefully. I got first aid, put a blush-on on my left cheek to balance the redness on my right cheek, then concealer on top of both cheeks then headed for the meeting, late. Later, my mom called and was crying really bad. She worried what happened to me. After I assured her that I was okay and whole, though with minor scratches and little discomfort on my right leg and arm, she ceased crying. My sisters were texting me in worry. I went to work, submitted my resignation letter, did a little work and then went back home with my mom and sis picking me up. Both felt so relieved seeing me.

Narrations of how it happened were done during dinner. Mom, all my sisters and brother-in-law were there, feeling for me, feeling furious at the driver and appreciating the way I handled the situation. All of them got really furious at the driver. I felt so loved. Even with the accident, I knew I was lucky still. I am whole and fine. My wounds can heal in time. I felt better. I knew I was safe. NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

deal or no deal?

i was so quick at making decisions today. last night, my decision was the exact opposite of the decision i did make this morning. and then i went to an office and then went out and then off i went to work. and then at work, after a few chat with people i call advisers, i changed my mind again for i know their suggestions were exactly what i thought before i changed my mind. so, i redecided and take back what i have already thought i decided. i will go back to that place where i went this morning. that was it. that was final. and then emailed a friend. and that email, makes another decision. and now, the final decision became not final at all. now, the final decision, is indeed, the exact opposite of what i had decided to be final this morning and last night.


i don't know if i am going to regret having decided on this. this is like the "deal or no deal" game show. i chose to say "no deal". of course, i am blind of what's inside the briefcase i chose. i am blind of what's in store for me. i just believe i should say "no deal". and yes, i did not make a deal. final decision. final answer. this time, i couldn't change my mind anymore.


why couldn't we see what lies ahead? at least once in a while... when we are so unsure of the choices we make and that choice is so damn important to us. why couldn't we see what's in store for us? so that we know what course of actions to take. so that we are sure of the choices we make...



yeah, i know, not knowing makes life a little more exciting. but sometimes, it gets super exciting that i cannot breath and it would be nice if we know ahead....


my head's aching. and yet, there's not a single point of regret. not yet. this is either all or nothing because i chose not to receive a part of what i want. i chose to get what i really feel in my heart i want. sure, i could be wrong. and i am beginning to worry if that happens. should i?

how sad!

"sometimes, i wonder if the only reason why you exist is that i am not willing to let you go."

pakapin:  kinawat ni nako.

mata aimasho, Sir Flynn

I used to call him "Sir Flynn". He was our Human Resource Personnel. He was the one who interviewed me before I got into this company. He used to never believe in the existence of God. Atheist. Perhaps, because, there were questions inside of him that he couldn't find answers to. We used to argue on some things, about faith and GOD. But I can't convince Him because I couldn't explain in depth that FAITH i have. He's used to finding proofs on things and seeking concrete explanations to his enquiries. Most intelligent people are like that. And yet, faith is something that can not be explained and transfered. Believing without really seeing is really hard. And it is a personal decision. It sure is. Then things changed. He became a Japanese interpreter from being an HR Personnel. Actually, he used to do both jobs. We all stumble once in a while. I guess, that's what happened to him. He stumbled. Did he really? I am not so sure. Some mistakes are measured by man's standards. But the guilt is dependent on our motives for committing them. People stop calling him "sir", maybe because, he's not anymore the HR Personnel but an interpreter. Or maybe, because of something else. I don't know. I still call him "sir". I feel it is my way of showing I respect him still. And because, that mistake wasn't enough to make me respect him less. I do have my mistakes too. Perhaps, worse than his'. But life is a continuous process of committing mistakes and learning from them. Certain things changed. And it's always like that. Things, persons, circumstances do change. He's now a Christian, someone who has a deeper relationship with God than I do. I am envious. I used to believe I do have a better relationship with God than he does. It used to be that way, right, sir Flynn? I'm so amazed that he's reached that far, grown that far. I wish him all the best in life, for always. I will always remember being prayed by you (and bes Ax) during those times in my life when I was so down and wrecked. Thank You so much! Indeed God will never ask us what type of dress we wore, car we rode, job we did or house we lived in. He'll ask more sensible questions. I am happy for you and the decisions that you make. God bless your soul. May you become a virus and that you keep infecting other people's hearts. Bye for now, Sir Flynn.

Mata au ka dou ka wakaranai ne. Kokoro no soko kara, arigatou. Ganbatte.

shut up!

sometimes you feel that all the world's against you... all circumstances don't seem to be with you... everything seems a mess. everything.

this is what i felt because some people are so busy minding me...pulling me...stepping on me.

some people just can't mind their own business. hmnn....because their main business is that of minding other people's business?

to them i say: HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INSINUATE THAT I CAN TOLERATE A DIABOLICAL INSULT COMING FROM A MERE SCRAP OF SOCIETY SUCH AS YOU. IF YOU PERSIST TO CONTINUE SUCH ANNOYANCE THEN I SHALL BE FORCED TO COMPEL AND SUM UP ALL MY PHYSICAL FORCES TO PULVERIZE YOU.

the reason why some people are not successful is that they get so busy minding other people's business, thinking they will get their share. naah! dream on...
heck, i'm damn so affected.

letting it slip away

i have always wanted to go back abroad to work and earn higher. staying here would only let me buy my needs and never my wants.

i've tried a number of times and often got accepted. and yet, i have to think deeply of my priorities. several things stop me and the topmost is, my mama would be alone if i leave because my sisters are already married and are having their own homes. my younger sister is with our eldest sister whose hubby is working abroad so she can't be with my mama.

there it goes... my big worry. don't you just think i worry so much about my mama? oh! she worries even more for me than i do for her (as every mom does).

and so, for now, i think i'd stay and enjoy what i have. i will have to think again when better opportunities come my way. i'll kiss this opportunity goodbye for now.

keeping the strength

everytime the word "cancer" is uttered, it rings a bell. my eyes would turn red and i want to cry. always, it reminds me of my dad. everytime, we see on tv a cancer patient or someone who's just acting like having one, we remember dad. i used to pretend i don't hear the word nor understand what's on TV. i used to divert everyone else's attention, especially mom's.

last night, while watching a tv series, there's this character dying of cancer. they had this conversation that we could so relate. my mom was holding a paper, reading something. then, came touching lines from the characters that my mom cried. i wanted not to show that i was hurt too so, i fight against my tears.

i saw my mom, not moving, pretending she's not crying and then she glanced at me. i left and i knew she saw no tears on my eyes. i wonder if she thinks i wasn't hurt at all or wasn't reminded of anything... of my dad. sure, i was.

all i know is that i have to be strong. i have to be her strength. she must not see me cry. she thinks i am the stronger member of the family. and i am.

when i look back at her, i was saying something like: "didn't we agree we understood why dad had to leave?"

had she seen me crying, i knew she would have cried even more. and then everything else will be rewinded. everything else. and then silence and emptiness would fall into its usual place. again. and then we'll realize we have never actually undestood why dad had to leave, for in reality, we have never.