the thought of losing

I saw my dad lying on the ground. His eyes were open; its color, a combination of red and yellow. There were ants on his body, they were trekking back and forth.

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I thought he was thirsty so I asked him, "would you like a glass of water?".

To which he replied, "I believe so. You think my doctor allows me to?"

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I said, "Of course, your water intake is not limited anymore, unlike before when we had to measure it and limit it to only 800 mL a day." This was when he found it hard to urinate and move bowels.

So I handed him a glass filled with water and he drank it and then slept. I left.

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After a while, I went to check him and found that he wasn't there anymore. There were marks of his body on the ground but he wasn't anymore there. I checked and checked and asked mama where he was.

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"He died. Our neighbor buried him..."

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I was shocked and so dismayed.

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"You buried him without even letting us see him?"

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"How come?"

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"Why didn't you wait for us?"

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I threw a lot of questions and cried like a child. I can't describe really how I felt.

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Then I realized I was dreaming. I got up and mused the place where dad is sleeping. He's there...not moving... I slowly went closer to him.

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"Why are you awake this early?" dad asked. I was frightened that he's awake. He said his stomach was aching and he took his pain reliever hours ago but could not sleep anymore.

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"When are we visiting the doctor?", dad questioning again.

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"This Saturday", I said.

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"You think they will want me to undergo a CT-Scan? I want to see how my liver is doing."

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"I don't know. We'll see."

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"I sure hope, the cancer cells are gone. I hope..."

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"Let's just pray, pa." was my reply.

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And he nodded. My hands were on his head and I said, "Go to sleep again. It's 5:00 a.m yet."

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And he did close his eyes as I went back to my bed and hugged my blanket.

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I was crying. I don't know why but I seem to miss him. Strange...because he's here with us and yet I miss him.

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Why can't I stand the thought of losing him?