weak and weary me

I am weak. This I admit.

Several times in my existence, I told myself I could not make it and then I wish there'll be no more tomorrow and the morning never comes. Ever thought of wanting that? ... that you sleep and you never wake up? ... that maybe, in the middle of the night, death comes grabbing you?

I always thought of that, whenever difficulties are sent upon me. Oh yeah, I knew, difficulties are God's errands and when we're sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence. But sometimes, this is not as convincing as it is. And this is NOT the very first thing that pops in my mind when I'm in trouble. Perhaps, because I prefer to see the darker side. Pessimistic me!

It is always easier to comfort a mourning friend but when i am the one in trouble, everything i may have said are shift-deleted in my mind. I get easily tired of hoping for the good things to come.

Last night, when I journeyed home, I had hoped the motorcycle I was riding would bump into something and I would die right there and then. But to my dismay, it didn't. When I laid myself to sleep, I wished I will never wake up. But I did and now, I'm here.

I just can't have everything I hoped for. And so, life goes on till death conquers my world.

Breath... Breath... life is at hand still. And yet, I wanted to return it now, thinking I have had enough of it. (Isn't it an insult to the Giver?)

Worry not... I shall wait patiently for my turn and won't head straight towards grabbing what my heart desires the most.

Offering, the Jap way

Japanese express their feelings and opinions with hesitation and so, in most cases, they speak up what they really want or think, the indirect way.

For example, they want to offer coffee. 
A.
Nihongo:  Kohii ha ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee?
B.
Nihongo:  Kohii demo ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee...or anything?

Vocabulary Check:
Kohii - coffee
ha -  (pronounced as wa) a particle in English grammar
ikaga desu ka - an expression of offering something; means "would you like?"
demo - expresses hesitation

A is the direct way of offering coffee while B is the indirect way.  And Japanese are too good at using indirect statements to show hesitation.  And so, B is the most commonly used statement because A is rather too direct.

So, given a situation when someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and you would like to offer yourself, when you're in Japan, you can say, "Watashi demo ii desu ka?" (or "Watashi demo ikaga desu ka?") instead of saying, "Watashi ha ii desu ka?"(or "Watashi ha ikaga desu ka?").  The latter is rather too direct. 

Vocabulary Check:
Watashi - me, i
ii desu ka - is it alright?

In English, that means, "Is it alright to have me...? or someone else...?".  In reality, the speaker only wanted to say, "Is it alright to have me?" or "How about me?".  Note that demo is the key word here.  And without demo, the statement becomes direct.

Interesting, isn't it?

hurt: fair share

"Nobody has the right to do as he pleases except when he pleases to do right."

Sometimes, people believe that they are the only ones who possess a heart. They expect people to consider how they would feel without even considering others.

That's unfair.

Don't expect people to be careful with your heart when in the first place you aren't careful with theirs. Hurt belongs to anyone who does have a heart. And if you insist you have yours, then, don't forget I also insist, I have mine.

You reap what you sow. Always. Don't expect to reap gold from sowing a rotten seed. Never!

You don't earn respect without respecting others yourself. And so, do not seek to be considered if you are not being considerate yourself. How dare you expect others to consider about your feelings when you don't consider theirs?

How dare you believe you are unfairly hurt when you did not even take a graceful look about the hurt you've made.

Think again.

You are not the only creature who possesses a heart. In case you forgot.

Perfect Mom

Living was hard.  In the morning, mama used to wake us up to go and take a bath and then eat our breakfast so we could head for school.  No one left the house without eating whatever mama prepared for us.  I remember refusing to eat because I was so fed up with instant noodles and mama wouldn't let me up and get my bag.  I had to eat and finish what was for me.

Mama never allowed us to go to school with empty tummies.  Why?  because she never sent us to school with money in our pockets.  No money for food, only for icewater.  So we had to eat breakfast and bring our packed lunch, else, we had to stay.

After school hours, we were demanded to go home as soon as possible and do our assigned chores- fetch water from the well (river), wash dishes, cook dinner, pick the goats from the grassland and clean the house.  After dinner, we had to do our school assignments and then help her make barbecue sticks or weave baskets.  No one should sleep ahead.  Everyone must be helping if not studying and finish what was set for us.

On weekends and summer vacations, mama would bring us all to our farm wearing our jackets, long pants and hats, to protect us from insect bites and sun burns.  Each one of us were armed with bolos and grub hues.  We planted corn, mongo, okra, eggplants, string beans and peanuts.  And we harvested them ourselves and sometimes, with the help of a few neighbors when corn harvest was good.  We tilled 4 farms.  Two of which were around 1200 sq.m. and the other two were around 2000 sq. m.  We used to till the 2 smaller ones ourselves and hire a few persons to clean the bigger ones.  But we fertilized the corn plants ourselves on all 4 farms.  When it's time to wait for the harvest, we shifted to making firewoods and sold them.  We had to cut branches of the trees, cut each to make 15-inch sticks, dry it, group and tie each 15 sticks and carry it to some place where someone would trade each bunch of wood with Php0.50.  From what we earned, we usually bought kilo/s of corn( if we haven't harvested yet) and dried fish.

We walked to and fro school.  That was about 2 km away from home.  No budget for jeepney fare which was, I think, Php1.50 that time.  But we never complained.  We understood why it had to be that way.

Mama was simply a housewife (now, she serves the barangay).  But on top of her being a housewife (one who fixes the house, washes/irones clothes, cooks for us, and the like), she was a farmer and a businesswoman at heart.  She reaped fruits and vegetables from our farm and sold it in the market leaving the house at midnight and reaching the house at dawn, before all of us woke up, and thus, preparing our breakfast without us knowing that she had arrived. 

Mama is an intelligent, tough and hardworking woman.  She brought us up to live with only the simplest things in life and thus, there are a lot of things I could live without.  She taught us things in life especially those that money can't buy.  She shaped us into who we are now.  She made us see that what we do today will be the cause of what we become tomorrow.  She is a good leader.  She teaches us not to focus on what we do not have, instead, on what we have and do something to have what we do not have. 

My mama had a tough experience in rearing us because, financially, they were not ready.  And she didn't want to beg for help from my grandparents.  She got tired and I know there were lots of times when she wanted to give up but she never did.  She's a strong woman.  She stood by what she had decided and she always stood for what is right and pleasing. 

She tirelessly and endlessly envelopes us with love even if I know, at times, she's tired especially while fighting against the many trials surrounding us.

I just love my mama.  And don't ask me why, for me, she is the perfect mother there can be.  She has proven that by raising us the best way she could despite all odds.  And I think, what we have become is exactly how she wanted us to be.  What we have become is our gift to mama.  Whatever we do, we always consider what mama will feel-whether or not mama approves of it. 

Happy Birthday Ma!  You're the best!   

I fear I won't be as good as you when I become a mom myself someday. 

so embarassing!

Told you i have been taking bioslim herbal tea for bowel movements. initially took it for slimming purposes but when i tried to stop taking it, i couldn't move bowels anymore. So, I take it daily without fail. I move bowels 2x a day. Around 7:00 a.m. and around 9:00 a.m. And these are intense and abrupt ones- effects of the tea i take.

This entry is a bit of an "EWWWW....!" but bear with me, if you can.

October 30, 5:30a.m. I left the house to spend my holiday at Malapascua Island. Take note, I haven't moved bowels yet. I picked my honey up and we head to Colonade Supermarket to meet my friends we were going with. 7:00a.m. inside Colonade Supermarket, I was feeling the intense pain of my stomach. It's a signal for me to do my scheduled routine. I went to the comfort room and sought for toilet papers. None around. I went back to the Supermarket and decided not to move bowels anymore. I still could control.

7:30 a.m. we had our butts on the plastic chairs of the airconditioned bus, heavily loaded with passengers heading towards North of Cebu. We're seated at the center portion of the said bus since we had no choice. Van Hilseng movie started to play and I was enjoying . I think all 4 of us were.

Around 10:00a.m. Bus stop at Carmen Cebu. I took my chance of sitting on the soft bus chair while others left to grab something to eat. Suddenly, I felt my stomach aching again. This time, the driver just went up, so I took my center seat instead of rushing to the nearest comfort room. I managed to control giving birth to my shit and enjoyed watching the movie again. I was hoping for another bus stop but none happened in more than an hour of hoping.

Then again, my shit struck and I was so terrified. It kept striking and striking and it became more intense. It bumped me in just a matter of seconds and I felt so out of control. I tried hard to control it but my shit was at its most furious, curious and strongest state to see the outside world. Lord, help me. There were like a hundred people inside the bus and I knew it was a whole lot of shame smelling overly weird. I was thinking that my friends and honey would disown me if i deliver the shirt right there. I was thinking how shameful that would be. I thought of ways, maybe I could ask the driver to stop awhile or maybe I could just stay hoping that the next stop would be nearer. I was feeling hot and shivering. Oh! If only I was somewhere, I would happily let it out. I laid my head on my honey's shoulder and hoped the feeling would cease to disturb me so badly. Nothing happened. My shit... I feel its strength to come out without listening to me! My goodness! I pushed my ass harder to the chair and bite my lips the hardest I could. "Oh God! help me!... pls... pls...." This was my cry.

Slowly, the attack gets calmer. And I breathed a bit. Then, it struck again. Wow! Really not listening to me, ha? I was getting so dismayed. Thought again of asking the driver to stop for a while to let me do my thing. But I didn't. It's a shame to the rest of the passengers. I tried to think of other stuffs which could divert my feelings and attention... perhaps, this could lessen the attack. But NO. It didn't. It's so hard-headed and so persistent.

Thank goodness we reached the terminal! The first thing I did was rushed to the comfort room. I was really running when someone asked me for a pay. My goodness! I was hurrying so badly and yet I was ceased to pay! immediately took my purse and paid and rushed to the comfort room and sought for a vacant room and did my thing.

Wow! sarap ng feeeling! Phew!

Holy Shit! That could have been my most embarassing experience.

My regret? Not taking the good chance I had while I was inside Colonade Supermarket and while I sit comfortably inside the bus on a Bus Stop when those were good chances for me to do my thing.

Ever had this experience?