this morning, i cried.
i was sleeping all so well. i slept at around 3a.m. It's New Year! it's only me and housemate in our pad. we didn't go out to join any countdown nor eat a grand meal; we only had pancit canton (3 packs of it) and 4 sticks of chicken barbeque. we hugged each other and jumped when the clock hit 12:00. it's new year! it sure is. then we ate our humble meal with pride. i knew i was happy but then, i knew there were these thoughts i didn't want to entertain in my mind. i remember things but quickly snap away with it.
housemate's lonely about not being able to spend the christmas and new year back home. it's odd though, but i don't feel the same way. it's not that i don't wanna spend the season back home; it is that, it's ok if i spend it there and ok if i don't. it's like, i don't really care. it's like, it doesn't matter much.
i personally, don't feel it's odd of me to feel this way. but when i try to compare my feelings with those of my friends' i know my feelings are odd. when friends back home email and send me messages saying, "i know you wanted so much to be back home and celebrate christmas and new year with your family, but you can do it there...", my mind says, "i don't really!. it's just a day or two. it's just like any ordinary day."
honestly, i didn't wanna answer myself why i didn't really like being home celebrating the season. i avoid thinking about the very reason why. until this morning.
8:00 a.m. and i was yet sleeping. i was dreaming. i had 2 different stories in my dreams. one immediately after the other. the later one helped me conclude the very reason why i am feeling odd.
remember that i told you my dad died of liver cancer? remember it was feb 22, 2006 that he left us? and remember we got the shock of our lives on december 22, 2005 knowing that chemotherapy won't work for him anymore? remember that i told you that we had christmas inside his room at the hospital and had new year back home? the worst one ever. because dad was on his sick bed and we were all musing him, helplessly. oh, i think i said it all.
that's it. that's all about it.
in my dream there was mom, dad, my sister (eldest), her mother-in-law and her bro-in law. the setting was our farm, the one opposite to our old house. all of us knew my father was soon leaving. we were talking about how stubborn dad was (about drinking alcohol) and how he treated us when he's drank. he said he was sorry. no one cried. i was holding my tears and holding words... but listening so deeply. i was just digging the soil, taking sweet potatoes and throwing it to some places. then, i find myself, saying a word. no tears. then i stopped digging. then i said a lot of words. then shed lot of tears. i told him those words that say "if only...". i told my dad... all my feelings... all the if only's. if only he listened to me/us... if only he took care of himself... i asked him lots of why's...i knew there were no answers. i didn't want answers, anyway. i just wanna say words, say how i felt - that i love him and somehow, i wished, he loved us back...enough, to at least take good care of himself to see us through all this time, to see how we slowly reach our dreams, to see his first grandchild- that little baby that my sister is holding...
i asked why he had to go. i promised him i'll take him and mom to japan... to where i am right now. and he was so excited about it. and so was i. i told him i'll buy us a car. and i'll drive him to work and we'll shop a lot. like he always wanted. and we'll stay in hotels and eat all those foods he always longed to eat. we'll do it. like rich people do. he dreamed of it. and i'll fulfill it for him.
but now, he's gone. i feel bad. i feel so bad. i always wanted to make him and mom happy; to make his and our dreams come true; to pay-off his (and mom's) hardwork for us. i always wanted to stroll around malls and eat on restaurants with all of us, with him, especially... because he always smiled when he's brought to dine at some fancy restaurants.
when i woke up, the tears were real. up to this point. and i remember everything. and i feel bad. and i feel so sorry. and i know for sure, christmas and new year will never ever be the same. not ever.
(i am not saying that he didn't love us. he sure did. but not taking good care of his ownself, makes, for me, his love for us, a lot less. don't you think so? when you love some people, you should take good care of yourself to be with them longer, right? because when you love someone, you wanna be with that someone, physically, for a long time. )
i was sleeping all so well. i slept at around 3a.m. It's New Year! it's only me and housemate in our pad. we didn't go out to join any countdown nor eat a grand meal; we only had pancit canton (3 packs of it) and 4 sticks of chicken barbeque. we hugged each other and jumped when the clock hit 12:00. it's new year! it sure is. then we ate our humble meal with pride. i knew i was happy but then, i knew there were these thoughts i didn't want to entertain in my mind. i remember things but quickly snap away with it.
housemate's lonely about not being able to spend the christmas and new year back home. it's odd though, but i don't feel the same way. it's not that i don't wanna spend the season back home; it is that, it's ok if i spend it there and ok if i don't. it's like, i don't really care. it's like, it doesn't matter much.
i personally, don't feel it's odd of me to feel this way. but when i try to compare my feelings with those of my friends' i know my feelings are odd. when friends back home email and send me messages saying, "i know you wanted so much to be back home and celebrate christmas and new year with your family, but you can do it there...", my mind says, "i don't really!. it's just a day or two. it's just like any ordinary day."
honestly, i didn't wanna answer myself why i didn't really like being home celebrating the season. i avoid thinking about the very reason why. until this morning.
8:00 a.m. and i was yet sleeping. i was dreaming. i had 2 different stories in my dreams. one immediately after the other. the later one helped me conclude the very reason why i am feeling odd.
remember that i told you my dad died of liver cancer? remember it was feb 22, 2006 that he left us? and remember we got the shock of our lives on december 22, 2005 knowing that chemotherapy won't work for him anymore? remember that i told you that we had christmas inside his room at the hospital and had new year back home? the worst one ever. because dad was on his sick bed and we were all musing him, helplessly. oh, i think i said it all.
that's it. that's all about it.
in my dream there was mom, dad, my sister (eldest), her mother-in-law and her bro-in law. the setting was our farm, the one opposite to our old house. all of us knew my father was soon leaving. we were talking about how stubborn dad was (about drinking alcohol) and how he treated us when he's drank. he said he was sorry. no one cried. i was holding my tears and holding words... but listening so deeply. i was just digging the soil, taking sweet potatoes and throwing it to some places. then, i find myself, saying a word. no tears. then i stopped digging. then i said a lot of words. then shed lot of tears. i told him those words that say "if only...". i told my dad... all my feelings... all the if only's. if only he listened to me/us... if only he took care of himself... i asked him lots of why's...i knew there were no answers. i didn't want answers, anyway. i just wanna say words, say how i felt - that i love him and somehow, i wished, he loved us back...enough, to at least take good care of himself to see us through all this time, to see how we slowly reach our dreams, to see his first grandchild- that little baby that my sister is holding...
i asked why he had to go. i promised him i'll take him and mom to japan... to where i am right now. and he was so excited about it. and so was i. i told him i'll buy us a car. and i'll drive him to work and we'll shop a lot. like he always wanted. and we'll stay in hotels and eat all those foods he always longed to eat. we'll do it. like rich people do. he dreamed of it. and i'll fulfill it for him.
but now, he's gone. i feel bad. i feel so bad. i always wanted to make him and mom happy; to make his and our dreams come true; to pay-off his (and mom's) hardwork for us. i always wanted to stroll around malls and eat on restaurants with all of us, with him, especially... because he always smiled when he's brought to dine at some fancy restaurants.
when i woke up, the tears were real. up to this point. and i remember everything. and i feel bad. and i feel so sorry. and i know for sure, christmas and new year will never ever be the same. not ever.
(i am not saying that he didn't love us. he sure did. but not taking good care of his ownself, makes, for me, his love for us, a lot less. don't you think so? when you love some people, you should take good care of yourself to be with them longer, right? because when you love someone, you wanna be with that someone, physically, for a long time. )
