series and movies keep me busy

It's been three weeks since I came here. I'm not reporting for work yet but I do have interviews once per week.

Wonder what I've been doing with my free time? I've been watching series and movies I've never cared to watch before. So, here goes my list:

Series:
(1) Hana Yori Dango - Girl Over Boys, that is. I love this series. This is a story of a commoner studying in a school for elite people. Masako Tsukushi, that's her name. I tell you, she is sooo TOUGH. Thus, guys pretending to be tough fell for her. I love to be like her.

(2) Gokusen 2 - This is a story of a classroom teacher who is very concern about her students. She is not the usual teacher. She is the granddaughter of a Yakusa master. She doesn't want to lead the next generation's Yakusa though. She wanted to live her own life and her grandfather approves of all her desires. She is loved by everyone around her. She is really really QUICK at fighting but she doesn't brag of it. She protects he students from dangers and temptations and tries so hard to guide them to the right path. I envied her for she never gave up on her students especially those who don't seem to have the heart and do not even care for their own selves. It touches me deeply how she puts her heart and soul into what she considered her vocation. Man, this makes me cry!

(3) Prison Break - I never thought I wanted this series. I've seen officemates during lunch time watching this. I didn't mind at all how nice this series is. It catched my attention and captured my heart. Why not? From the cast to the story.... everything is REALLY EXCELLENT. And oh, did I mention I love Wentworth Miller? How could I forget that? He's such a cute guy with tantalizing eyes. Back to the story... I feel extremely bothered at how some people allow people to use them to the extent of ruining their lives endlessly.

"If I had to do it all over again, I'd do it different." (Alex Malone)- This is so striking. Sad though, because, we don't always have a second chance. At some point in our lives, there's no path that leads us back to where we wanna start things all over again and we're so screwed up!

Movies:
(1) Cast Away

(2) Pride and Prejudice

(3) A Walk To Remember

(4) Message In a Bottle

(5) The Notebook

i hate it

i hate it when you smile.
i hate it when you frown.

i hate it when you crawl.
i hate it when you run.

i hate it when you stare.
i hate it when you close your eyes.

i hate it whe you talk.
i hate it when you're silent.

i hate it when you're dumb.
i hate it when you're wise.

i hate everything that you are.
i hate everything that you do.

i hate everything about you.
i hate it coz i love you.

damn... how i wish you know!

how coud you exist without knowing that i do?
how could you live without being mine?
how could you?

They say that love is shared by two, but why can't i share it with you?

Sunday Blooper

It's Sunday and we're to go to Church together with Romsil. 9:00 a.m., as agreed, we'll meet at Shin-Osaka eki because we don't know the place. 8:45, we texted Romsil that we're leaving the pad. However, Romsil wasn't ready yet so, he texted Raneil to pick us up instead.

9:02, we arrived at the station and then got Raneil's call. He'll be riding a train that will pass by Shin-Osaka station and then we'll go ride with that train he's in. The train will arrive at our station at 9:13 so off we went to the platform we thought the train will pass through. 9:13, we're there. Alas! The train arrived on time but exactly at the opposite platform where we stood.

Phone rings.

Raneil: Come on in. Where are you?

Me: Sorry, we're on the wrong platform. But we'll try hard to run and catch the train.

Raneil: Ok.

We ran to the elevator up and down as fast as we could, barely breathing. Yahooooo, we're just on time. Yatta! At just about a second the train closes and runs.

Phone rings.

Me: Hi Rans! We did it! Which car are you in?

Raneil: I went off. I thought you're not making it.

Funny. We're ahead now of the one who's supposed to pick us up.

it's like winning lotto

it will take about 2 months to get an internet connection. why? because the Alien Registration Card (ARC)is a requirement for that. ARC's are released after almost a month after application. Then we'll have to apply for a net connection and then we'll wait for about a month for it to be approved, thus, for us to finally get the connection.

we've got nothing much to do since arrival and we didn't want to go to places because it's already winter. it's damn too cold. so, we usually stay at our pad and watch downloaded tv series (courtesy of senpai ideru). when our friends arrive from work, usually 11 pm, we go to their pads (pad A: 20-minute walk back and forth, pad B: 30-minute walk back and forth.), bring our heavy laptops and suffer from the freezingly cold winter breeze just to send and check mails and chat with friends.

well, it's boring without the internet, especially on winter and you're not working for quiet a long time.

tried checking wireless connections inside our pad. there is one signal scanned but that signal has a password. and yeah, i wasn't able to guess it right. asa pa!

friday, time to check mails again. dear friend arrived from work already. so, carrying our heavy laptops, we went out of ourpad. what if i check the wireless net connection outside our pad? meaning, when the door is wide open. so, i turned on my laptop, opened the door and stood by the doorway. I had intel wireless device scan for signals. There.... there... one by one dear laptop is listing the wireless connections it detected, one with security password, the other without. So, i tried connecting to the one without a password. It's slowly scanning and acquiring Network name and IP address.

i launched ym and signed it in. Happy! We were shouting... It's like we won the lotto. We were jumping and then proceeded outside our pads and checked mails. I went up to the topmost floor to get a good signal and standing still, i continued replying to mails, until i ran out of batt while by whole body is shaking from the coldness and i felt i had to urinate.

damn... that was great! despite feeling really really cold, i was happy.

my hands were freezing and my knees were shaking really bad when i entered my room. i plugged the AC power, opened my window and placed my laptop on the opened window. scanned for signal again. it worked. i kneel on my futon and typed and typed again.

i sure looked so funny. but, i didn't care.

.

pakapin:

* thanks to pai's suggestion of checking signals outside our pad.

* "we" in this entry refers to me and my padmate

* it took us two weeks to realize that we need not travel to get connected

What makes a woman pretty?

I wanted to meet a friend's girlfriend. Then another friend asked in eagerness, "is she pretty?".

"She has great personality" came the reply.

Then we met that girl. She was warm and cool. I thought about how old she could be. Then we spent time together. For hours, we get along together. We chat and eat. We became friends.
Then, I remember the question that was asked, "Is she pretty?". Oh, I guess she is. Being beautiful doesn't come from the outside, it comes from the inside. And when you are beautiful inside, you are beautiful inside and out.

Great. Great. She is pretty. Every woman is truly pretty only when she is pretty in the inside. A woman is pretty only when she is easy to deal with, when she acts and speaks wisely and when she is true to herself and to those surrounding her. Being beautiful externally is just a plus to being internally beautiful. The same is true with men.

Reason, maybe, why some externally beautiful women settle for externally not so beautiful men (and vice versa). Perhaps those men are far more beautiful than those women they are with. Who knows?

Acrophobic On Duty

This is me and dear bossing on the skyway. We are both acrophobic, reason why we look like that. I thought it was fun crossing the skyway (which is about a hundred meters above the ground and nothing else below it except the ground). When I started putting my feet on the floor, I felt a little dizzy (murag hubog) and then we rushed to the comfort room when we reached halfway. We gave up; couldn't make it, so we turned left and used the elevator instead. Supposed to be a cool experience but it turned to be a scary one.

Yep, I am smiling but my hands are gripping tightly while bossing dear is hurriedly crossing to get to the nearby elevator. Hehe...

Drank For the First Time

I have never tried drinking a glass of alcohol. I tried sipping margaretta once though but haven't really consumed a glass.

After meeting employer officials, my boss brought me (and dear friend) to a bar under the train station. He knew that I do not drink alcoholic drinks but tried to challenge me on having one. So I did. I ordered a glass of green apple sour and enjoyed drinking it. I consumed a glass of it in less than 5 minutes of sipping. I thought I was okay but when I went to the comfort room, I felt dizzy. "This is it! I'm drank." For the first time in my entire existence, I felt I was drank. I thought that sour drinks are just soft ones. It sure is, but I am not used to it so, sorry me.

My boss challenged me to get another drink and drank as I am, I took the challenge. I ordered a glass of grape sour. Crazy me. I gulped once and then went to the comfort room at least five times feeling dizzy. I gave up. I gave the glass to my boss feeling I could not make it anymore. I thought I wouldn't be able to arrive home if I keep drinking.

I really felt so dizzy. Funny though coz it's just a sour drink and it has maybe, just a splash of alcohol in it. But then again, it's my first and I have no plans of putting myself into shame or disgrace or whatever. I can only go as far as I can handle myself.

To Enter Or Not To Enter Japan

Everything was set and ready. I've said my goodbyes and hugged my loved ones. I'll see them in a year. That's not quiet long. I've shed my tears. Goodbyes. Goodbyes. That's hurting me and those I am leaving.

My family sent me off to the airport and as early as 5:00 a.m we're already there. After checking in my luggage I went back to hug and kiss them all goodbye. PAINFUL. It always is. One year could either be long or short. But I told my mom, it is SHORT. I can handle myself and they could trust me on that.

Tears came rolling down while I set my butt on the airplane seat. It's normal. Then I reprogrammed my mind. It's gonna be fun in Japan. It will be fun as long as I want it to be fun. It all depends on me. I should be happy wherever I go. That's just about it. That's just about setting my mind. I shall not think of who and what's not with me but of who and what is with me. I shall learn to live with it. It is my choice.

Waited for about 6 hours in Manila airport before I set my foot to PAL bound for Osaka Japan. That was it. That was farewell to the Philippines and those I hold dear to my heart. Texting. Texting. Last farewell messages came in and out.

Arrived at around 7pm (Japan time) in Japan. Landed safely. SURPRISE. SURPRISE. The immigration officer, upon checking my papers, noticed my COE (Certificate of Eligibility) to had expired a month ago already. So there. Problem began. I was brought inside the immigration office inside the airport by an immigration officer. I was explained that my paper is already invalid. The landing permission has expired. And yeah, I knew it but didn't mind it. I was interviewed - what kind of job I will be doing, what's the employer's name and contact number, etc. They googled my employer's company profile and then had to ask me again several questions. The contact number I gave can't be reached because it's already beyond office hours. So, I was asked for my employer's mobile number. Gosh! I stored in on my mobile phone only and I thought I had no battery anymore. I consumed it while I was in the Philippines saying goodbyes and the like.

Tried to turn my mobile phone and ALAS! it turns on. For a while, the SIM didn't seem to work. I can't browse numbers. And of course, I had no signal for it's not a roaming SIM. Tried again after a minute and then it worked. I got my boss's mobile number and gave it to the officer and then he contacted him. After some explanations, I was released from the immigration office and was allowed to enter Japan.

Huh! It scared me. I did have my farewell party already and freed my treasured career only to be back before I even landed properly here. That's a lot of shame.

Praise GOD!

Farewell Message

Incredibly, this is my last day of work as a System Engineer at EPSON.

I would like to thank so many people for being such good colleagues and advisers. Not least of course, the Multimedia team who have been such good workmates and friends.

I have enjoyed my two and a half years of stay here and I think it is very timely for me to take off and get ready for new challenges ahead. I'm goin' home tonight and will wake up differently tomorrow and more differently in the days to come. I shall miss you guys and this workplace. I shall miss the laughter and the tears. Sure, I will.

I am so sorry for the mistakes I made; for not being the one I was expected to be; for saying/doing things that might have hurt you; for not saying anything when I should have.

I thank you so much for being a part of this journey of mine. You have all contributed to how i live my everyday; to who I am right now. You have been inspirations to me, whether you pushed or pulled me.

Life keeps movin' and so do we. So, goodbye for now and see you again someday. I wish, by then, we could still recognize each other and exchange warmer smiles and louder hello's.

I wish the best of luck for the present and future members of EPSON.

laughing a lot, crying a little...

It's a whole day seminar (7:30-5:00). I thought it would be very boring. I was soo wrong.

They had wonderful speakers. Really good ones. Not that they have good accent or good pronunciations but that they discuss subjects in a way that attracts listeners. They are not the bookish-type ones. They do not speak with respect to theories or reading materials, although research results have been mentioned where necessary. I so love every bit of the seminar. I have learned a lot. I thought about attending the seminar as simply completing a requirement. I thought it will only be a review of what I already know.

It is a priviledge being there. I laughed a lot, cried a little.

The following are what I have learned from the speakers and may only be true/applicable to my country and fellowmen:

on the OCW and his dependents:

(1) that the decision to go abroad must be approved by loved ones (especially by the husband/wife for the married ones). without their approval, it's foreseen that even little problems during the OCW's stay abroad could cause a big fight.
(2) that the dependents of the OCW have the tendency to consider the worker as a source of income more than a dear one. and that when they call, they are more up to remittances rather than the worker's condition. huh!
(3) that married siblings (and relatives) of the OCW will, most likely, ask for financial support from the OCW for their own children's needs such as education and hospitalization and this ask for help will become the OCW's responsibility rather than a choice because he becomes selfish if he cease helping.
(4) that the OCW should have concrete plans for his going abroad rather than simply thinking about it because he doesn't get to realize dreams which are only written on the head
(5) that the OCW should share his dreams to his dependents especially to the allotee so that they know how to spend their allotment wisely in harmony with the worker's dreams.
(6) that if the OCW keeps to himself his plans, the dependents, will most likely splurge the money he sends thinking it was easy for him to earn them.
(7) that when the OCW returns home, he realizes that he needs to go back abroad rather than stay with his family for good because he has no savings and going abroad will be a cycle.

on the philippines and the filipinos working abroad:

(1) that the philippines used to be a nice place and a developed country next to japan during the 1950's.
(2) had the filipinos who lived before, maintained the economic stability, the philippines could have been far better than it is right now.
(3) that it would have been other races serving for filipinos rather than filipinos serving for other races. that inside a filipino's home is an imported DH rather than a filipino being a DH abroad.
(4) that these days, filipinos are used as front-ends of jobs abroad especially dangerous ones. filipinos are the ones using harmful chemicals in a factory. if the filipino gets himself damaged by those chemicals, then he's sent back to the philippines for he's no longer useful and another filipino takes his place.
(5) that testing of harmful chemicals is done by filipinos before a company concludes whether it's good or bad to use.
(6) that filipino nurses are the ones assigned to take care of the patients suffering from communicable and non-curable diseases so that only the filipinos are exposed to the virus.
(7) that domestic helpers are prone to being raped and abused by employers


on HIV/AIDS:

(1) that HIV/AIDS could be transferred to any person without him expecting it for he could get it in 3 ways - the usual way, drug injection and blood transfusion.
(2) that SEAMEN are highest number of persons who get HIV/AIDS
(3) that the number 2 among those who acquired HIV are the DHs, 3rd are the entertainers
(4) that HIV positive persons should never be discriminated because they are not harmful ones and because, there is a law that protects them.
(5) that if you get the HIV, you can live for a lot more years if you have Php30,000-60,000/month for the A.R.V (forget what this means, but this is to guard the immune system from being attacked by the virus, not a cure).

and why did i laugh a lot and cry a little? i laughed because, the speakers were so funny while delivering realities and i cry a little because the speaker who delivered the HIV/AIDS topic who was the funniest of them all ended up his discussion with...
"In front of you is an HIV victim. Guess you never realized that!"

[Some lessons are learned the hard way.]

Someone New, Something New

October 28, 2006 (Sat, 12MN)

Sister R called up informing me and mom that my sister S is already experiencing labor pains and they're already on their way to the maternity hospital. I woke my mom up and she rushed to get the box of baby clothes which she and BIL (bro-in-law) prepared months ago. She then woke my cousin up to drive her and sister R to some place where they could get a taxi to the hospital. 12:10, I texted sister S to give her encouragement and support. 1:45, she texted me back, she delivered the baby safely.



That fast.



October 29, 2006 (Sun)

They left the hospital and went to their home-sweet-home.



October 30, 2006 (Mon)

Off they come to our house. Sister S will need my mom's aid especially when my BIL's out and workin'. And so, there goes all of us, around the baby's crib, watching her every move, taking note of her features and to whom are each a copy of. 8 months after my dad left, she came. somehow, like a replacement of the one we lost. but it could have been merrier with dad around. he had been looking forward to see his grandchild. too bad, he's not here anymore. too bad, he can't hold those little hands and feet nor hear those little voice that cries when she's wet and hungry and smiles when she's tickled.



Sheina Denise Nicole. That's her name; the angel who breaks the silence and replaces it with laughter.



That deafening silence is all over.

[I realized that all babies are beautiful. They are innocent ones. They are angels. They are blank pieces of white papers. What parents decide to write on those papers will be a REALLY big factor on how they grow up.]

series of events

October 12, 2006

Last Tuesday, I decided to reject the job offer of company A and chose to rather wait for the certificate coming from company B because I felt I prefer to work for company B better than company A. The reason is the considerable difference in the amount of pay. The hardest thing about having made this decision is that company B may not be able to get my certificate approved by the Immigration Bureau and therefore, I may end up not be able to work for any of these two companies. The certificate I have with company A is soon to expire and after that, I shall wait in wonder whether I will be able to receive a certificate sponsored by company B or not. The certainty level is high at 95%, but 5% is such a number still.

I closed my eyes, crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. I emailed company A rejecting the offer and emailed company B accepting the offer. Company A reacted immediately while company B was late to react. Having appreciated company A's effort to convince me and not having received any reply from company B made me decide, perhaps I shall go for company A. I made a decision again. I was convinced and was afraid again of the 5% failure that might happen if I choose company B. Company B later emailed and convinced that I do not go for company A. But I already did. And by that time, I wasn't anymore open to changing my mind. That's already a lot of decisions over a single thing in a week. That's too much. So, I go for what was certain at the time.

October 16, 2006

I went to apply for a working visa and crossed my fingers again for its approval after 3 working days. Considering the many unsure decisions I have made, I told the Lord that if it's HIS will that I'd go for company A then my visa will be approved, if not, then, I shall wait for company B's certificate or perhaps, work for my current employer for more years and be with my family.

October 19, 2006

I got butterflies on my stomach when I went to claim my passport - it could either have or not have a new entry (a visa). I thought I wanted the visa but was willing to accept the Lord's will for, in the first place, I wasn't sure of my decision. And yes, the Lord wills it. I got an approved single-entry working visa. Right there and then, the thought of being away from my family (esp. mom) and friends sank in. I cried realizing I really have to be away. That was the only moment during my job hunting that I felt the loneliness of being away. Oh, how I worry about my mom living without dad and me. This is sure tough.

I texted my sisters and informed them of my decision. They wanted me to stay, to accompany my mom but whatever I would decide on, they're up to it. I told my mom about everything and my decision and she told me that wherever my heart is, she's supporting me. So, there, things got okay with my family.

October 20, 2006

I scheduled this day to be the day I'll notify my employer about my career decision. I got up early for I was scheduled to have a meeting prior to reporting for work. I left the house 7 a.m. Unfortunately, I met a motorcycle accident 5 minutes after I left the house. The driver did apply a sudden hand brake while we're going down a steep road. It isn't supposed to be that way. In just a blink of an eye, we were on the ground- the driver and me. I felt the pain on my foot, leg and face. I thought, maybe, the Lord did not want me to resign. I got scratches on my right knee, right cheek, right wrist and right chest. I got a little bone dislocation on my right foot and right arm. Real bad! My sister scolded the driver for not driving safely and carefully. I got first aid, put a blush-on on my left cheek to balance the redness on my right cheek, then concealer on top of both cheeks then headed for the meeting, late. Later, my mom called and was crying really bad. She worried what happened to me. After I assured her that I was okay and whole, though with minor scratches and little discomfort on my right leg and arm, she ceased crying. My sisters were texting me in worry. I went to work, submitted my resignation letter, did a little work and then went back home with my mom and sis picking me up. Both felt so relieved seeing me.

Narrations of how it happened were done during dinner. Mom, all my sisters and brother-in-law were there, feeling for me, feeling furious at the driver and appreciating the way I handled the situation. All of them got really furious at the driver. I felt so loved. Even with the accident, I knew I was lucky still. I am whole and fine. My wounds can heal in time. I felt better. I knew I was safe. NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

deal or no deal?

i was so quick at making decisions today. last night, my decision was the exact opposite of the decision i did make this morning. and then i went to an office and then went out and then off i went to work. and then at work, after a few chat with people i call advisers, i changed my mind again for i know their suggestions were exactly what i thought before i changed my mind. so, i redecided and take back what i have already thought i decided. i will go back to that place where i went this morning. that was it. that was final. and then emailed a friend. and that email, makes another decision. and now, the final decision became not final at all. now, the final decision, is indeed, the exact opposite of what i had decided to be final this morning and last night.


i don't know if i am going to regret having decided on this. this is like the "deal or no deal" game show. i chose to say "no deal". of course, i am blind of what's inside the briefcase i chose. i am blind of what's in store for me. i just believe i should say "no deal". and yes, i did not make a deal. final decision. final answer. this time, i couldn't change my mind anymore.


why couldn't we see what lies ahead? at least once in a while... when we are so unsure of the choices we make and that choice is so damn important to us. why couldn't we see what's in store for us? so that we know what course of actions to take. so that we are sure of the choices we make...



yeah, i know, not knowing makes life a little more exciting. but sometimes, it gets super exciting that i cannot breath and it would be nice if we know ahead....


my head's aching. and yet, there's not a single point of regret. not yet. this is either all or nothing because i chose not to receive a part of what i want. i chose to get what i really feel in my heart i want. sure, i could be wrong. and i am beginning to worry if that happens. should i?

how sad!

"sometimes, i wonder if the only reason why you exist is that i am not willing to let you go."

pakapin:  kinawat ni nako.

mata aimasho, Sir Flynn

I used to call him "Sir Flynn". He was our Human Resource Personnel. He was the one who interviewed me before I got into this company. He used to never believe in the existence of God. Atheist. Perhaps, because, there were questions inside of him that he couldn't find answers to. We used to argue on some things, about faith and GOD. But I can't convince Him because I couldn't explain in depth that FAITH i have. He's used to finding proofs on things and seeking concrete explanations to his enquiries. Most intelligent people are like that. And yet, faith is something that can not be explained and transfered. Believing without really seeing is really hard. And it is a personal decision. It sure is. Then things changed. He became a Japanese interpreter from being an HR Personnel. Actually, he used to do both jobs. We all stumble once in a while. I guess, that's what happened to him. He stumbled. Did he really? I am not so sure. Some mistakes are measured by man's standards. But the guilt is dependent on our motives for committing them. People stop calling him "sir", maybe because, he's not anymore the HR Personnel but an interpreter. Or maybe, because of something else. I don't know. I still call him "sir". I feel it is my way of showing I respect him still. And because, that mistake wasn't enough to make me respect him less. I do have my mistakes too. Perhaps, worse than his'. But life is a continuous process of committing mistakes and learning from them. Certain things changed. And it's always like that. Things, persons, circumstances do change. He's now a Christian, someone who has a deeper relationship with God than I do. I am envious. I used to believe I do have a better relationship with God than he does. It used to be that way, right, sir Flynn? I'm so amazed that he's reached that far, grown that far. I wish him all the best in life, for always. I will always remember being prayed by you (and bes Ax) during those times in my life when I was so down and wrecked. Thank You so much! Indeed God will never ask us what type of dress we wore, car we rode, job we did or house we lived in. He'll ask more sensible questions. I am happy for you and the decisions that you make. God bless your soul. May you become a virus and that you keep infecting other people's hearts. Bye for now, Sir Flynn.

Mata au ka dou ka wakaranai ne. Kokoro no soko kara, arigatou. Ganbatte.

shut up!

sometimes you feel that all the world's against you... all circumstances don't seem to be with you... everything seems a mess. everything.

this is what i felt because some people are so busy minding me...pulling me...stepping on me.

some people just can't mind their own business. hmnn....because their main business is that of minding other people's business?

to them i say: HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INSINUATE THAT I CAN TOLERATE A DIABOLICAL INSULT COMING FROM A MERE SCRAP OF SOCIETY SUCH AS YOU. IF YOU PERSIST TO CONTINUE SUCH ANNOYANCE THEN I SHALL BE FORCED TO COMPEL AND SUM UP ALL MY PHYSICAL FORCES TO PULVERIZE YOU.

the reason why some people are not successful is that they get so busy minding other people's business, thinking they will get their share. naah! dream on...
heck, i'm damn so affected.

letting it slip away

i have always wanted to go back abroad to work and earn higher. staying here would only let me buy my needs and never my wants.

i've tried a number of times and often got accepted. and yet, i have to think deeply of my priorities. several things stop me and the topmost is, my mama would be alone if i leave because my sisters are already married and are having their own homes. my younger sister is with our eldest sister whose hubby is working abroad so she can't be with my mama.

there it goes... my big worry. don't you just think i worry so much about my mama? oh! she worries even more for me than i do for her (as every mom does).

and so, for now, i think i'd stay and enjoy what i have. i will have to think again when better opportunities come my way. i'll kiss this opportunity goodbye for now.

keeping the strength

everytime the word "cancer" is uttered, it rings a bell. my eyes would turn red and i want to cry. always, it reminds me of my dad. everytime, we see on tv a cancer patient or someone who's just acting like having one, we remember dad. i used to pretend i don't hear the word nor understand what's on TV. i used to divert everyone else's attention, especially mom's.

last night, while watching a tv series, there's this character dying of cancer. they had this conversation that we could so relate. my mom was holding a paper, reading something. then, came touching lines from the characters that my mom cried. i wanted not to show that i was hurt too so, i fight against my tears.

i saw my mom, not moving, pretending she's not crying and then she glanced at me. i left and i knew she saw no tears on my eyes. i wonder if she thinks i wasn't hurt at all or wasn't reminded of anything... of my dad. sure, i was.

all i know is that i have to be strong. i have to be her strength. she must not see me cry. she thinks i am the stronger member of the family. and i am.

when i look back at her, i was saying something like: "didn't we agree we understood why dad had to leave?"

had she seen me crying, i knew she would have cried even more. and then everything else will be rewinded. everything else. and then silence and emptiness would fall into its usual place. again. and then we'll realize we have never actually undestood why dad had to leave, for in reality, we have never.

miscommunication

Memo from CEO to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.


Memo from Manager to Department Head:

Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day.

Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:

The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost.


Memo from Floor Manager to Supervisor:

Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you.

Memo from Supervisor to staff:

Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen every day.

rainy days

On rainy days, I can't help but think of my mom alone in her room. I wonder how empty and lonely it is, spending nights without my dad's embrace. I wonder how painful it really is, being left by someone you used to share the bed every single night and perhaps, whisper each other, "I Love You". I wonder what she does to lessen the pain of the truth that dad left physically and could never be beside her. I wonder what memories come to her as she lays herself to sleep while the rain's dropping. I think, I know. She's feeling COLD and EMPTY.

It must be sad being left by someone you wanted to be with forever. It must be sadder on rainy days. I hope she stops crying, at least, soon after the rain stops.

I love you Ma. I may not know how it really feels or how painful it really is but I guess, I know a bit. Hug the pillows and wrap yourself with your blanket and it might feel like it's Papa hugging you.

random five

5 Things You Like About Yourself:
1. I respect people as they are.
2. I don't get pushed by peer pressure.
3. I am good at saving.
4. I can live without a lot of things.
5. I am not afraid of the dark.

5 Things You Don't Like About Yourself:
1. My cellulites.
2. My programming skills. yet so bad!
3. I can't sleep well when I'm not home.
4. My inner self transparency.
5. My tears...they're always ready to drop.

5 Things You Wish For:
1. car
2. a thoughtful and responsible hubby
3. business
4. financial stability
5. a work abroad with good pay

5 Things You Don't Wish For:
1. being left by someone i love
2. calamities
3. financial crisis
4. long hours at work - OT
5. an enemy

5 Things You Would Change: (This can be any area)
1. can't think of anything yet

5 Things You Have Learned To Appreciate:
1. my caring mom
2. my helpful officemates
3. my thoughtful friends
4. my life
5. family and home

5 Things You Are Interested In:
1. driving
2. working abroad
3. badminton
4. cars
5. business

5 Talents You Have:
1. writing
2. listening
3. singing
4. cracking jokes
5. laughing out loud

5 Favorite Things:
1. music
2. cars
3. home decors
4. perfumes
5. my mom

5 Secret Desires:
1. to have a better shape (tummy and butt)
2. to grow taller, i don't get qualified being an FA because i'm short
3. to win the mega Lotto
4. to become a better programmer
5. to drive my own brand new car

5 Self Truths:
1. i am afraid of building a family of my own
2. i hate vices of every form
3. i don't drink alcohol, liquor or wine not even softdrinks
4. i feel i am very good at money matters
5. i love scents and perfumes

5 Lies You've Told:
1. It's okay.
2. I understand.
3. It's funny.
4. I'm tough.
5. It doesn't matter.

& 5 Silly Things About You:
1. I almost don't get out of the house when people say I'm fat.
2. When I'm sleepy in the morning, I take a bath to get awakened by the scents of my soap, shampoo and conditioner.
3. I keep checking my mails every minute.
4. I only get a good night sleep if I'm using my own blanket.
5. I don't like my blanket washed every week, I hate the smell of the laundry soap.

what i'd rather do than anything else

I think I have made it clear that I do not really love what I am doing right now. I do this for the sake of earning a living, not because I love this.

Having said that statement, I think I have to answer what is it that I really love to do and where is it that I really wanted to be if I am not right here.

There are three things I can think of right now - showbiz (haha!), journalism and trading/services biz (enumerated in particular order.) Funny, I know.


I am not good at singing or dancing or acting, but I guess I can learn those crafts if I give enough time learning them. I think I just love meeting people, waving my hands, smiling at them. Haha! (as if these are the only things a showbiz personality does). Although I never dress up nor wear makeups nor do my hair, I really do think I would love someone doing that to me. I love performing although I know I am never yet good at anything I made mention. I love seeing the crowd, being adored by them. Guess I can only dream of doing this! Sure I could tell that I confused my feelings with the truth... =)


Journalism. No! not the news editor or sports editor. Perhaps a feature editor or just an author of short stories. I am not good at writing either. I just know I love to write.

Or... I can do my own business such as being a studio photographer (ID pix, barkada pose, and the like) and doing the printing myself. I like playing with photos and enhancing them. I started out doing this kind of biz just last year and I am enjoying it although I do not spend so much time on it as I am busy with "doing something I do not really love." Or... I can own a store where daily needs are sold. I am definitely a business-minded person since birth.


None of these three is anything I can do well. The things that I love to do are not necessarily the things I can do well. In fact, I couldn't think of anything I am really good at.


And why am I still here when my mind and heart are somewhere else?


Patience is a virtue! Haha...

the art of lending

I belong to a society where borrowing and lending money is normal. When I got my job, I became one of those who lend money. Sure, it's a nice feeling to be of help. We were once borrowers too.


Before lending money, I ask, without fail, when will the money be returned. Without a definite answer to this question, I do not proceed to lending the money (unless for emergency purposes).

Two months ago, there's this neighbor of ours who talked ill about the way that I do before I do lend money. She said I am so strict that I do not release any amount without making sure the money is going back to me. The gossip spreads and continues spreading and since there are more borrowers than lenders in our place, more people understand her rather than me.


Of course, I know how to give. But the borderline between giving and lending has to be clear. When I give money or food and the like, I do not expect anything in return. But when I give kindness and help, I expect kindness in return. When people come to borrow money, I expect them to know the art of giving it back.

Then, just yesterday this woman went back to our humble abode, just before I left for work, telling me and mom that she needed an amount so badly that very day for her child's school. You could imagine me, just passing by her, being very oblivious. She said lots of things, like giving me an interest and so on and so forth. Her daughter's final exam was on that same day. She couldn't take any exam without the amount. My mom asked her, "what have you been doing all this time that it's getting late?" She said things I could not understand (i.e. refused to understand). I was still. Never moved. I wanted to shout out loud, throw back the things she said against me criticizing my ways and how strict I am with money.


I shivered in anger but didn't say a word to question what she did and said in the neighborhood. My mom was the one communicating with her. I did my thing- combed my hair, clipped it, dressed up, watched myself in front of the mirror, combed my hair again and left saying I had no extra money.

I could always lend money to those who respect my ways not to those who come when in need and talk ill against me when they're done with me.


Guess, she wasn't yet done with me!


I reflected on what I did. I knew it wasn't nice of me doing it. I knew I was being mean. Then my bro-in-law uttered, "Sometimes, you have to lend them lessons too (not just money)!"

doing something you love

"Would you rather do something that you could do well rather than something that you always love?"

Sadly, I am doing something that I do not love. I feel I do not belong here. And where is here? It is where I am right now and where I am right now is where I am ever since.

I am not good at what I am doing right now but destiny brought me here. No, not destiny. It was my choice.... my foolish choice!

And now, I am wishing I could change my choice...perhaps by choosing again? Nandaka... wakaranai na....dou shitara ii ka na? Oshiete kudasaimasen ka?

Truly, it is more exciting to be doing something you love.

goodbye forever

Still fresh in my memory the time the doctor told us dad had liver cancer. It was a year ago when he was diagnosed, stage 3 to be exact. He underwent chemotherapy and surprisingly got cured because of prayers, healthy foods and the medicines he took, including the best medicine there can be - love.


December 2005. We had our very cold Christmas in the hospital. Dad was diagnosed liver cancer, terminal stage. It was the worst Christmas we had. And then, the worst New Year.


The thought that dad will have to leave us haunted our memories. Slowly as each day had passed, we're faced with the fact that we just had to let him go one day. We knew we had to.


But how does one say goodbye to the person he gets to interact each day? How does one rejoice about all the moments they shared while completely freeing himself from the bitterness of losing someone?


On February 22, 2006 at exactly 3:00 pm dad gave up. He left us because he's just too tired. Even before that day, we knew, he wasn't with us anymore. There were so many questions inside of me. What if I did this? What if I did that? What if I didn't do this? What if I didn't do that? What if dad did this? What if dad did that? What if dad didn't do this? What if dad didn't do that? So many questions left with not a single answer at all.


I thought it's easy letting him go knowing he had suffered enough and had to rest. I was wrong.


For how could it ever be easy being left by someone you love so dearly? How could we ever deny the bitterness of his absence when inside each and every portion inside our humble abode an empty space is missing?


How come we always have to let go of whatever it is that we wanted to keep forever?

how would you like to die?

So, what's supposed to be new? Well, nothing really. My dad is still sick and situation is getting worse. He says things we could not understand...like there's a hammer falling or a duck rushing... or he looks for my sister and when my sister comes, he said it's not my sister on his side but another one.


He sometimes wake up from a long sleep and then acts like he's been running and is too tired and demands for water and even says, "let's get back home", though he's at home.


Last night, I was watching a tv program (Scene of the Crime Operatives) which shows crime and crime investigation... mostly murder cases. There was this boyfriend killing a girfriend by cutting the gir'ls neck with a knife and then the murderer committed suicide. That's called crime of passion. Oh, how it broke my heart seeing and knowing that. I couldn't really understand why some people are so narrow-minded and selfish when it comes to that. Worst, they resort to killing their own loved ones. That is such a wicked act.


Another case featured is a retired teacher, her daughter and grand daughter being killed by his son-in-law. Imagine that!?!? That son-in-law hammered the retired teacher's head, his own mother-in-law, many many times, killed his own wife with so many knife strikes and his own daughter too. That's so evil. Where's the world going to? The motive is yet unknown and that person is not yet convicted. And yet, from the evidences presented, I would like to assume that he did it. It's obvious. For me, whatever his reason is, that doesn't give him the right to do that.


Nobody should be doing that to anybody.


And then, I have come to think that I'd rather die of a disease than being killed like that. That is most painful for me... being butchered like a pig or being hammered like a nail... That is most wicked. Really.


I know this sounds weird, but....Given the chance to choose, how would you like to die?

the thought of losing

I saw my dad lying on the ground. His eyes were open; its color, a combination of red and yellow. There were ants on his body, they were trekking back and forth.

.

I thought he was thirsty so I asked him, "would you like a glass of water?".

To which he replied, "I believe so. You think my doctor allows me to?"

.

I said, "Of course, your water intake is not limited anymore, unlike before when we had to measure it and limit it to only 800 mL a day." This was when he found it hard to urinate and move bowels.

So I handed him a glass filled with water and he drank it and then slept. I left.

.

After a while, I went to check him and found that he wasn't there anymore. There were marks of his body on the ground but he wasn't anymore there. I checked and checked and asked mama where he was.

.

"He died. Our neighbor buried him..."

.

I was shocked and so dismayed.

.

"You buried him without even letting us see him?"

.

"How come?"

.

"Why didn't you wait for us?"

.

I threw a lot of questions and cried like a child. I can't describe really how I felt.

.

Then I realized I was dreaming. I got up and mused the place where dad is sleeping. He's there...not moving... I slowly went closer to him.

.

"Why are you awake this early?" dad asked. I was frightened that he's awake. He said his stomach was aching and he took his pain reliever hours ago but could not sleep anymore.

.

"When are we visiting the doctor?", dad questioning again.

.

"This Saturday", I said.

.

"You think they will want me to undergo a CT-Scan? I want to see how my liver is doing."

.

"I don't know. We'll see."

.

"I sure hope, the cancer cells are gone. I hope..."

.

"Let's just pray, pa." was my reply.

.

And he nodded. My hands were on his head and I said, "Go to sleep again. It's 5:00 a.m yet."

.

And he did close his eyes as I went back to my bed and hugged my blanket.

.

I was crying. I don't know why but I seem to miss him. Strange...because he's here with us and yet I miss him.

.

Why can't I stand the thought of losing him?

do i care?

Look at me. Give me a stare. I am okay. I am sane; looking really well. No second thoughts. I smile still, even laugh out loud.


Stop looking with your eyes. You look with your heart. You look deeper and deeper till you reach the very core of my being. There, you will see what is it that I really feel. There, you will see what composes my fascade. It's ironic though. Because you can not add up everything you will see there to sum up a fascade like your eyes may have seen.


I am not what your naked eyes have seen. I am the other way around, an empty soul.


I am not as joyful as you may see. I am suffering. I am not totally sane. I am slowly losing it. Yes, my sanity is approaching zero. I am not whole. I am broken.


I may appear so composed. In reality, torn and weak. I am not whole. No, not anymore. For I am so wounded and I gracefully embrace that wound. I took care of it reason why it never leaves. My fault!


I wish I could pick each broken piece up and form my self whole again in time.


But for now, I am certain, the road is not clear.... almost zero visibility. But I keep going, even overspeeding, not thinking really if I am on the right lane... nor considering the fact that I might hit co-travellers and hurt them or hurt myself. I just want to pass through this as fast as I could.


Indeed life can be very tiring. It can consume the totality of your being like it does to mine. But, do I care? I DON'T.


How coward am I! But, do I care? I said, I DON'T! Funny, but I don't.

Happy Birthday Pa

The time I wake up this morning, I went to check Pa to greet him a happy birthday. But he's asleep still so I chatted with Ma while she's busy preparing Pa's breakfast. Then she went to wake Papa up so he could eat breakfast and take his medicines. I went with her to greet him. He asked whether we prepared some foods in celebration. Ma just smiled and said "that will be tonight." He went to the dining table and positioned to eat.


I was sipping my coffee(with milk) then. I noticed Papa merely staring at the food on the table. He then complained that he doesn't like the food and demanded Mama to learn to look for something delicious every meal. Wow! How dare he said that? He reminded Mama that even before, when he isn't yet sick, he doesn't want repeated foods for he gets fed up to it.


I find it so rude of him to said so. I wish he knew how carefully Mama prepared it and how delicious it really is. I wish he considered also that Mama is not only busy preparing for his foods, she is also sleepless while watching over him and assisting him in everything he does - preparing his meds, measuring every bit of liquid he drinks, preparing his toothbrush and clothes, preparing water for his bath, cleaning his mess and the like.


We're just silent so we wouldn't say a word that might hurt. Inside of me (and perhaps, of Mama), I would like to say, something such as, "Eat whatever is served to you. Important thing, the food is healthy and consider somehow, it's carefully prepared for you. And if you don't have appetite for that, that isn't our fault, that's the effect of your so loved vice."


Then he picked a bread instead. Mama offered to reheat it and with his permission, Mama did it. After a minute, the bread was ready and laid back to the table. Oh! And he just said, "I lost my appetite for that bread!", insinuating that Mama had better not reheat it. But wait, didn't he give his permission? This makes me crazy. Then he drank water and took his meds, brushed his teeth, went to the CR and proceeded to sleeping again.


We're alone in the dining table - me and Ma. I saw some tears in Ma's eyes. I knew it meant, she did her best and still Papa remained so demanding like he is the only person on earth.... like he is the only person to be considered.


I would like to tell him so but held back coz I know it's not the right time. He's so sick and it's his birthday.


"Happy Birthday, Pa", I whispered. I wish you learn to appreciate the people around you... loving you so much... considering every bit of your need and state, especially Mama. We're doing our best to help you lessen the pain (if not recover your health), at least, be cooperative.


Don't get me wrong. Inspite of it all, we love Papa. We see his flaws and yet accepted everything about him- No IF's, no BUT's. Mama taught us how.

today and tomorrow

Papa sleeps about 70% of each day.  He wakes up only when he takes medicines, eats, drinks, moves bowels and urinates.  We'd like to see him going around the house or at least, muse the flowers in our garden.  It should make him a little better.  But he refused to.  He's just too tired to walk around and open his eyes.  He just wants to keep closing his eyes to deceive himself and forget about the pain, at least, a little.

Today we went out to see Papa's doctor.  It's been a week since he's discharged from the hospital and we're to go for consultation every week.  The doctor examined Papa and found out that there's water on his lungs reason why he found it hard to move around and breath well.  We went for a Chest x-ray and then have to wait for 2 days for the result.  The x-ray would show the amount of water inside his lungs and would help his doctor evaluate whether or not, the water has to be removed via paracentesis (I guess).

I moved around again to find his medicines, the newly-prescribed ones and then I am here, in the office, working, while Ma, Pa and sister went back home.

Tomorrrow will be 'Sinulog' (dance feast in honor of Sr. Sto. Nino) here.  It is a grand day in Cebu and people from all over the world gather to witness this special event.  I wish I could be merry.  I just couldn't.  The storm seems to never cease. 

Tomorrow, too, Papa will turn a year older.  It will be Papa's 50th birthday.  I wish I could greet him a happy one.  But I know I couldn't.  How could he be when he's in pain? 

So, most likely, we'll just have to let it pass and consider that day to be just another day in our lives.

Will he ever get well?  Only heaven knows.

family ties

Today, in our Japanese class we're discussing about Japanese and Filipino culture differences.  There, indeed, are many differences.   But I was struct at this difference- FAMILY.

The Philippines is known to have a strong family ties.  There are positive and negative effects of this, of course, but this is what we are and we love it that way.  The Japanese, being not so close to their families but to their friends is a known thing.

Our Japanese teacher doesn't contact her parents for quiet a long time.  I would like to guess, it been 10 years since.  This is a thing done by a usual Japanese child to her parents.  She said, not contacting would mean to their parents that they are okay and doing well.  And if she contacts them, it would mean, something's going wrong. 

I believe, this is weird.

Filipinos contact their families and loved ones wherever they go to keep them updated with the things they are doing and the places they're going.  Filipinos have to keep in touch with their loved ones to show that they care too and don't want their loved ones to worry about them, they are ok. 
Conflicting, isn't it?  The Japanese contact would mean a negative thing has happened whereas a Filipino contact would mean they care. 

We asked her, "What if your parents are sick?  Don't you wanna know?" 

"depends what type of sickness." came her reply.

"What if a matter life and death one, say cancer?".

"Leave it to them.  I can not do anything about it.  I can not cure them anyway.  That's life."

"Oh, in the Philippines, that's a hurting remark!  You should show to your parents how much you love them by seeing them and serving them especially when they dying.  You ought to show them how much you love them even in their last few days of existence. You should show them how grateful you are that they cared and raised you well."

"I am grateful to them in my heart.  That's enough."

We're all shocked.  Tears come rolling down our eyes.  I feel for the Japanese parents.  I think it's very sad to know that your kids don't care for you at all, the time they found a life of their own.  In reality, Japanese parents don't want to bother their kids too.   Yet, it's still so sad for me. 

It's just so sad for me.  (But I do understand them.)

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

You know how burdened my heart is. There are times when I wanted to give up and just rest in peace. I sometimes feel the world upon my shoulder. I'm sorry, I'm exagerrating. I know this isn't even one-fourth of the burden that you're carrying.

You know it breaks my heart to see papa crying in pain. I just couldn't do a thing but call Your name. I hope, though, it eases a bit of the pain. I know he did this to himself and he's to be blame and yet I couldn't afford seeing him suffer. It's painful Lord and I wanted to take part of it, if only to lessen that pain. You know, we love him despite everything. And we'll never be as happy without him. We're never a family without him. I hope You give him one more chance Lord, for him to live by the lessons he may have learned from all these things that's happening... for him to show love to mama and his children and for us to have more time spending together as a family.

I pray for mama Lord, that you give her the strength to accept whatever is it that's bound to happen to us and our family, that she continues to accept and embrace all the pain there is, with full trust in You, that she continues to believe and hope. I know she wanted so much to grow more older with papa. I hope Lord, that you grant her heart's desires. I wanted so much to see her happy and I know papa is her happiness. She deserves to be happy. If she could have a bonus for being a good mother and wife, I know she will ask for this. She never wanted anything more but a whole and peaceful family.

Above all Lord, allow our hearts to understand Your will and let us see clearly that everything is for the best. Let us hold on to the truth that You know what's best and please raise our faith up higher for we need it more this time.

I will continue to trust even if I often don't understand. I will try to understand even if there seems no explanation. I shall surrender to Your will believing always You know what's best.

I trust in You, Lord. I always will. No matter what happens.

Forever and always Lord, Thy will be done.

In Jesus Name, I pray.

AMEN.

Live Life

l Look people in the eye.

l Sing in the shower.

l Own a great stereo system.

l If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

l Keep secrets.

l Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

l Always accept an outstretched hand.

l Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

l Whistle.

l Avoid sarcastic remarks. - Important

l Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

l Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

l Lend only those books you never care to see again.

l Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

l When playing games with children, let them win.

l Give people a second chance, but not a third.

l Be romantic.

l Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

l Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

l Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

l Be a good loser.

l Be a good winner.

l Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

l When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

l Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

l Keep it simple.

l Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

l Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

l Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

l Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

l Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

l Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

l Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

l Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

l Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

l Once in a while, take the scenic route.

l Send a lot of Christmas cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

l Don't expect life to be fair.

l Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

l Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

l Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

l Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

l Become someone's hero.

l Marry only for love.

l Count your blessings.

l Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

l Wave at the children on a school bus.