mata aimasho, Sir Flynn

I used to call him "Sir Flynn". He was our Human Resource Personnel. He was the one who interviewed me before I got into this company. He used to never believe in the existence of God. Atheist. Perhaps, because, there were questions inside of him that he couldn't find answers to. We used to argue on some things, about faith and GOD. But I can't convince Him because I couldn't explain in depth that FAITH i have. He's used to finding proofs on things and seeking concrete explanations to his enquiries. Most intelligent people are like that. And yet, faith is something that can not be explained and transfered. Believing without really seeing is really hard. And it is a personal decision. It sure is. Then things changed. He became a Japanese interpreter from being an HR Personnel. Actually, he used to do both jobs. We all stumble once in a while. I guess, that's what happened to him. He stumbled. Did he really? I am not so sure. Some mistakes are measured by man's standards. But the guilt is dependent on our motives for committing them. People stop calling him "sir", maybe because, he's not anymore the HR Personnel but an interpreter. Or maybe, because of something else. I don't know. I still call him "sir". I feel it is my way of showing I respect him still. And because, that mistake wasn't enough to make me respect him less. I do have my mistakes too. Perhaps, worse than his'. But life is a continuous process of committing mistakes and learning from them. Certain things changed. And it's always like that. Things, persons, circumstances do change. He's now a Christian, someone who has a deeper relationship with God than I do. I am envious. I used to believe I do have a better relationship with God than he does. It used to be that way, right, sir Flynn? I'm so amazed that he's reached that far, grown that far. I wish him all the best in life, for always. I will always remember being prayed by you (and bes Ax) during those times in my life when I was so down and wrecked. Thank You so much! Indeed God will never ask us what type of dress we wore, car we rode, job we did or house we lived in. He'll ask more sensible questions. I am happy for you and the decisions that you make. God bless your soul. May you become a virus and that you keep infecting other people's hearts. Bye for now, Sir Flynn.

Mata au ka dou ka wakaranai ne. Kokoro no soko kara, arigatou. Ganbatte.

shut up!

sometimes you feel that all the world's against you... all circumstances don't seem to be with you... everything seems a mess. everything.

this is what i felt because some people are so busy minding me...pulling me...stepping on me.

some people just can't mind their own business. hmnn....because their main business is that of minding other people's business?

to them i say: HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO INSINUATE THAT I CAN TOLERATE A DIABOLICAL INSULT COMING FROM A MERE SCRAP OF SOCIETY SUCH AS YOU. IF YOU PERSIST TO CONTINUE SUCH ANNOYANCE THEN I SHALL BE FORCED TO COMPEL AND SUM UP ALL MY PHYSICAL FORCES TO PULVERIZE YOU.

the reason why some people are not successful is that they get so busy minding other people's business, thinking they will get their share. naah! dream on...
heck, i'm damn so affected.

letting it slip away

i have always wanted to go back abroad to work and earn higher. staying here would only let me buy my needs and never my wants.

i've tried a number of times and often got accepted. and yet, i have to think deeply of my priorities. several things stop me and the topmost is, my mama would be alone if i leave because my sisters are already married and are having their own homes. my younger sister is with our eldest sister whose hubby is working abroad so she can't be with my mama.

there it goes... my big worry. don't you just think i worry so much about my mama? oh! she worries even more for me than i do for her (as every mom does).

and so, for now, i think i'd stay and enjoy what i have. i will have to think again when better opportunities come my way. i'll kiss this opportunity goodbye for now.

keeping the strength

everytime the word "cancer" is uttered, it rings a bell. my eyes would turn red and i want to cry. always, it reminds me of my dad. everytime, we see on tv a cancer patient or someone who's just acting like having one, we remember dad. i used to pretend i don't hear the word nor understand what's on TV. i used to divert everyone else's attention, especially mom's.

last night, while watching a tv series, there's this character dying of cancer. they had this conversation that we could so relate. my mom was holding a paper, reading something. then, came touching lines from the characters that my mom cried. i wanted not to show that i was hurt too so, i fight against my tears.

i saw my mom, not moving, pretending she's not crying and then she glanced at me. i left and i knew she saw no tears on my eyes. i wonder if she thinks i wasn't hurt at all or wasn't reminded of anything... of my dad. sure, i was.

all i know is that i have to be strong. i have to be her strength. she must not see me cry. she thinks i am the stronger member of the family. and i am.

when i look back at her, i was saying something like: "didn't we agree we understood why dad had to leave?"

had she seen me crying, i knew she would have cried even more. and then everything else will be rewinded. everything else. and then silence and emptiness would fall into its usual place. again. and then we'll realize we have never actually undestood why dad had to leave, for in reality, we have never.