the thought of losing

I saw my dad lying on the ground. His eyes were open; its color, a combination of red and yellow. There were ants on his body, they were trekking back and forth.

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I thought he was thirsty so I asked him, "would you like a glass of water?".

To which he replied, "I believe so. You think my doctor allows me to?"

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I said, "Of course, your water intake is not limited anymore, unlike before when we had to measure it and limit it to only 800 mL a day." This was when he found it hard to urinate and move bowels.

So I handed him a glass filled with water and he drank it and then slept. I left.

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After a while, I went to check him and found that he wasn't there anymore. There were marks of his body on the ground but he wasn't anymore there. I checked and checked and asked mama where he was.

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"He died. Our neighbor buried him..."

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I was shocked and so dismayed.

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"You buried him without even letting us see him?"

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"How come?"

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"Why didn't you wait for us?"

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I threw a lot of questions and cried like a child. I can't describe really how I felt.

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Then I realized I was dreaming. I got up and mused the place where dad is sleeping. He's there...not moving... I slowly went closer to him.

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"Why are you awake this early?" dad asked. I was frightened that he's awake. He said his stomach was aching and he took his pain reliever hours ago but could not sleep anymore.

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"When are we visiting the doctor?", dad questioning again.

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"This Saturday", I said.

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"You think they will want me to undergo a CT-Scan? I want to see how my liver is doing."

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"I don't know. We'll see."

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"I sure hope, the cancer cells are gone. I hope..."

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"Let's just pray, pa." was my reply.

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And he nodded. My hands were on his head and I said, "Go to sleep again. It's 5:00 a.m yet."

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And he did close his eyes as I went back to my bed and hugged my blanket.

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I was crying. I don't know why but I seem to miss him. Strange...because he's here with us and yet I miss him.

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Why can't I stand the thought of losing him?

do i care?

Look at me. Give me a stare. I am okay. I am sane; looking really well. No second thoughts. I smile still, even laugh out loud.


Stop looking with your eyes. You look with your heart. You look deeper and deeper till you reach the very core of my being. There, you will see what is it that I really feel. There, you will see what composes my fascade. It's ironic though. Because you can not add up everything you will see there to sum up a fascade like your eyes may have seen.


I am not what your naked eyes have seen. I am the other way around, an empty soul.


I am not as joyful as you may see. I am suffering. I am not totally sane. I am slowly losing it. Yes, my sanity is approaching zero. I am not whole. I am broken.


I may appear so composed. In reality, torn and weak. I am not whole. No, not anymore. For I am so wounded and I gracefully embrace that wound. I took care of it reason why it never leaves. My fault!


I wish I could pick each broken piece up and form my self whole again in time.


But for now, I am certain, the road is not clear.... almost zero visibility. But I keep going, even overspeeding, not thinking really if I am on the right lane... nor considering the fact that I might hit co-travellers and hurt them or hurt myself. I just want to pass through this as fast as I could.


Indeed life can be very tiring. It can consume the totality of your being like it does to mine. But, do I care? I DON'T.


How coward am I! But, do I care? I said, I DON'T! Funny, but I don't.

Happy Birthday Pa

The time I wake up this morning, I went to check Pa to greet him a happy birthday. But he's asleep still so I chatted with Ma while she's busy preparing Pa's breakfast. Then she went to wake Papa up so he could eat breakfast and take his medicines. I went with her to greet him. He asked whether we prepared some foods in celebration. Ma just smiled and said "that will be tonight." He went to the dining table and positioned to eat.


I was sipping my coffee(with milk) then. I noticed Papa merely staring at the food on the table. He then complained that he doesn't like the food and demanded Mama to learn to look for something delicious every meal. Wow! How dare he said that? He reminded Mama that even before, when he isn't yet sick, he doesn't want repeated foods for he gets fed up to it.


I find it so rude of him to said so. I wish he knew how carefully Mama prepared it and how delicious it really is. I wish he considered also that Mama is not only busy preparing for his foods, she is also sleepless while watching over him and assisting him in everything he does - preparing his meds, measuring every bit of liquid he drinks, preparing his toothbrush and clothes, preparing water for his bath, cleaning his mess and the like.


We're just silent so we wouldn't say a word that might hurt. Inside of me (and perhaps, of Mama), I would like to say, something such as, "Eat whatever is served to you. Important thing, the food is healthy and consider somehow, it's carefully prepared for you. And if you don't have appetite for that, that isn't our fault, that's the effect of your so loved vice."


Then he picked a bread instead. Mama offered to reheat it and with his permission, Mama did it. After a minute, the bread was ready and laid back to the table. Oh! And he just said, "I lost my appetite for that bread!", insinuating that Mama had better not reheat it. But wait, didn't he give his permission? This makes me crazy. Then he drank water and took his meds, brushed his teeth, went to the CR and proceeded to sleeping again.


We're alone in the dining table - me and Ma. I saw some tears in Ma's eyes. I knew it meant, she did her best and still Papa remained so demanding like he is the only person on earth.... like he is the only person to be considered.


I would like to tell him so but held back coz I know it's not the right time. He's so sick and it's his birthday.


"Happy Birthday, Pa", I whispered. I wish you learn to appreciate the people around you... loving you so much... considering every bit of your need and state, especially Mama. We're doing our best to help you lessen the pain (if not recover your health), at least, be cooperative.


Don't get me wrong. Inspite of it all, we love Papa. We see his flaws and yet accepted everything about him- No IF's, no BUT's. Mama taught us how.

today and tomorrow

Papa sleeps about 70% of each day.  He wakes up only when he takes medicines, eats, drinks, moves bowels and urinates.  We'd like to see him going around the house or at least, muse the flowers in our garden.  It should make him a little better.  But he refused to.  He's just too tired to walk around and open his eyes.  He just wants to keep closing his eyes to deceive himself and forget about the pain, at least, a little.

Today we went out to see Papa's doctor.  It's been a week since he's discharged from the hospital and we're to go for consultation every week.  The doctor examined Papa and found out that there's water on his lungs reason why he found it hard to move around and breath well.  We went for a Chest x-ray and then have to wait for 2 days for the result.  The x-ray would show the amount of water inside his lungs and would help his doctor evaluate whether or not, the water has to be removed via paracentesis (I guess).

I moved around again to find his medicines, the newly-prescribed ones and then I am here, in the office, working, while Ma, Pa and sister went back home.

Tomorrrow will be 'Sinulog' (dance feast in honor of Sr. Sto. Nino) here.  It is a grand day in Cebu and people from all over the world gather to witness this special event.  I wish I could be merry.  I just couldn't.  The storm seems to never cease. 

Tomorrow, too, Papa will turn a year older.  It will be Papa's 50th birthday.  I wish I could greet him a happy one.  But I know I couldn't.  How could he be when he's in pain? 

So, most likely, we'll just have to let it pass and consider that day to be just another day in our lives.

Will he ever get well?  Only heaven knows.

family ties

Today, in our Japanese class we're discussing about Japanese and Filipino culture differences.  There, indeed, are many differences.   But I was struct at this difference- FAMILY.

The Philippines is known to have a strong family ties.  There are positive and negative effects of this, of course, but this is what we are and we love it that way.  The Japanese, being not so close to their families but to their friends is a known thing.

Our Japanese teacher doesn't contact her parents for quiet a long time.  I would like to guess, it been 10 years since.  This is a thing done by a usual Japanese child to her parents.  She said, not contacting would mean to their parents that they are okay and doing well.  And if she contacts them, it would mean, something's going wrong. 

I believe, this is weird.

Filipinos contact their families and loved ones wherever they go to keep them updated with the things they are doing and the places they're going.  Filipinos have to keep in touch with their loved ones to show that they care too and don't want their loved ones to worry about them, they are ok. 
Conflicting, isn't it?  The Japanese contact would mean a negative thing has happened whereas a Filipino contact would mean they care. 

We asked her, "What if your parents are sick?  Don't you wanna know?" 

"depends what type of sickness." came her reply.

"What if a matter life and death one, say cancer?".

"Leave it to them.  I can not do anything about it.  I can not cure them anyway.  That's life."

"Oh, in the Philippines, that's a hurting remark!  You should show to your parents how much you love them by seeing them and serving them especially when they dying.  You ought to show them how much you love them even in their last few days of existence. You should show them how grateful you are that they cared and raised you well."

"I am grateful to them in my heart.  That's enough."

We're all shocked.  Tears come rolling down our eyes.  I feel for the Japanese parents.  I think it's very sad to know that your kids don't care for you at all, the time they found a life of their own.  In reality, Japanese parents don't want to bother their kids too.   Yet, it's still so sad for me. 

It's just so sad for me.  (But I do understand them.)

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

You know how burdened my heart is. There are times when I wanted to give up and just rest in peace. I sometimes feel the world upon my shoulder. I'm sorry, I'm exagerrating. I know this isn't even one-fourth of the burden that you're carrying.

You know it breaks my heart to see papa crying in pain. I just couldn't do a thing but call Your name. I hope, though, it eases a bit of the pain. I know he did this to himself and he's to be blame and yet I couldn't afford seeing him suffer. It's painful Lord and I wanted to take part of it, if only to lessen that pain. You know, we love him despite everything. And we'll never be as happy without him. We're never a family without him. I hope You give him one more chance Lord, for him to live by the lessons he may have learned from all these things that's happening... for him to show love to mama and his children and for us to have more time spending together as a family.

I pray for mama Lord, that you give her the strength to accept whatever is it that's bound to happen to us and our family, that she continues to accept and embrace all the pain there is, with full trust in You, that she continues to believe and hope. I know she wanted so much to grow more older with papa. I hope Lord, that you grant her heart's desires. I wanted so much to see her happy and I know papa is her happiness. She deserves to be happy. If she could have a bonus for being a good mother and wife, I know she will ask for this. She never wanted anything more but a whole and peaceful family.

Above all Lord, allow our hearts to understand Your will and let us see clearly that everything is for the best. Let us hold on to the truth that You know what's best and please raise our faith up higher for we need it more this time.

I will continue to trust even if I often don't understand. I will try to understand even if there seems no explanation. I shall surrender to Your will believing always You know what's best.

I trust in You, Lord. I always will. No matter what happens.

Forever and always Lord, Thy will be done.

In Jesus Name, I pray.

AMEN.

Live Life

l Look people in the eye.

l Sing in the shower.

l Own a great stereo system.

l If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

l Keep secrets.

l Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

l Always accept an outstretched hand.

l Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

l Whistle.

l Avoid sarcastic remarks. - Important

l Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

l Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

l Lend only those books you never care to see again.

l Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

l When playing games with children, let them win.

l Give people a second chance, but not a third.

l Be romantic.

l Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

l Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

l Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

l Be a good loser.

l Be a good winner.

l Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

l When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

l Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

l Keep it simple.

l Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

l Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

l Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

l Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

l Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

l Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

l Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

l Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

l Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

l Once in a while, take the scenic route.

l Send a lot of Christmas cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

l Don't expect life to be fair.

l Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

l Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

l Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

l Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

l Become someone's hero.

l Marry only for love.

l Count your blessings.

l Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

l Wave at the children on a school bus.

love in your heart

---

I got this quote from the hospital.  I thought this is so striking reason why I'm sharing this here.

"If you have love in your heart, you do not need to have anything else.  If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what you have."

---

 

if life could be rewinded

If life could be rewinded...

I bet my dad would choose to listen to our reminders- no alcohols, no cigarettes.

You see, everytime we reminded him of that, he made us shut our mouths up like we simply do not want him to be happy. And telling him to quit drinking would mean taking away his happiness and drinking friends from him. He thought we were merely being selfish.

And so, my mom, lowered down the request that he must eat before he drinks. But he never paid attention. We're simply villaines to him, that was all we were.

I remember, I asked him once to quit drinking because he couldn't anymore manage to walk and go home. He slammed my request and said he was belittled in front of his so-called friends. And he was so ashamed. Why was that? I did my request in a corner where no one could hear us and I did it with respect. I'm sure I did. He just refused to understand.

He was happy with his friends, spending all his money to beers and alcohol and getting drank all he wanted. For him, that was total happiness.

He stopped drinking about 2 years ago, that's when my grandpa died of liver cancer. (Well, I couldn't really tell if it really was for he never was diagnosed of that. He was afraid of doctors and hospitals. But I believe he died of that). I guess, he's (papa) been abusing his health for at least 25 years by excessive drinking of alcohol, plus smoking at least 10 sticks a day.

He quitted on his own without us telling him. That time, he was so afraid he'd have the same disease my grandpa died of.

A year after (I think on March 2005), he was diagnosed of liver cancer (hepatoma). Could we question that? Of course not! We knew he's been driving his way towards that.

He underwent Chemotherapy and got well for about 9 months. Then again, December 2005, the cancer struck again. This time, it's worse- Terminal Stage. We did all we could to help him.

Chemotherapy again. Acupuncture. Herbal Medicines. Quack Doctor. Everything.

Now he's got bulging stomach and he suffers from another complication, portal thrombosis. Know what that means? Go ask Mr. Google. Almost every hour his stomach pain strikes and it later seems hard for pain relievers to serve him. He hardly sleeps and he's frequently attacked by the pain he couldn't explain.

I could see regrets on his face.

If only I could turn back time....
If only I did listen...
If only.

But then, there's no turning back of time. Time lost can never be regained. Today and tomorrow are all we have. And what's left is for him (and for all of us) to learn. We love him. I sure hope he knows. It should be obvious and crystal clear.

For now, we treasure each moment that we have. We put not the blame on anyone. That certainly, won't help. We shall all pass and who gets to go ahead? we do not know. It sure, would have been best if we're careful, cautious and preventive. But hey! I said, there's no turning back of time.

Regret belongs to the future. And waiting for that future to come might be the stupidest thing to do. It might be too late then.

To whoever reads this one, I leave this quote, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You do not live long enough to make them all yourself."