a prayer request

My friend Heather requested this for her friend Kate over at A Brain Tumor Story.

Kate is having another brain surgery today at 11 am to remove the right front lobe of her brain. I want to have people praying for her and her surgical team during that time, but also praying for her husband and her little boys. Her mom is taking care of the boys while she recovers, so she needs our prayers too.

Also, I would like to spread the word today. If you feel so led, will you make a post about it on your blog.

She has graciously put a list of specific prayer requests on her blog for every individual in her family.

Thank you.

for things we can't control...

We had a dinner meeting last night with our agent. He relayed how bad his days had been these past few days. And how he wanted to end the problem that he wanted the next day not to break anymore. That tomorrow never comes.

With all his might he wanted to solve the problem but he just can’t. There are no visible solutions so far despite his efforts. And he feels so ashamed. This shame is consuming him. I told him, there are really things we just can not solve and face on our own. There are really times when our efforts and knowledge just won’t suffice. These are the times when we just have to pause and trust HIM. I told him that tomorrow is gonna be a brand new day; that even if there seems to be no solution to the problem, there really are solutions. We just have to trust HIM and wait. Patiently.

But he said he’s not a Christian and that he has no GOD so he only has himself and no one else.

He said He wanted to end things. He made sounds of bombs. And said that with it, problem ends.

How very sad is it for people who do not acknowledge that GOD exists? How very sad is it for people to only trust on their own knowledge and capabilities and give up when things are beyond their control, when it’s a shame not to meet other people’s standards, when the pain is too much to bear?

The pain. The burden. When these are too much to handle, we can let go of them. The reason why they are breaking us up is that we do not give them up to The One who is in control. We hold them dear until they consume our being.

Ain’t it wonderful to know that Someone stands still when all else has fallen? He is the pilot, the driver. He is in control. He knows exactly which way to go. We are merely passengers. We can only take the ride and see as far as our eyes can see. Beyond that, are surprises. When we can not see, we just have to trust. Why not?

random thoughts

(1) There’s a difference between struggling to do right and automatically (yes, without pondering) doing wrong (as if it is what is right). Just like giving up without even (or thinking of) giving a try?

(2) We sin by doing something and yet still sin by not doing something (when it is called for). This is called the sin of commission and omission.

(3) The world changes its norms and standards. Yet the truth remains the truth, though its popularity fades (and gets overwritten) with time.

(4) Happiness isn’t directly proportional to righteousness. I can be happy and/or cause someone to be happy (and seem not to hurt anyone) by doing something stupid.

explaining those tears

The sight of Christmas decorations at the church brought joy to my heart. It’s Christmas. So soon. Everyone were in their most cheerful faces.

We were starting the Service by singing “Hark The Herald” followed by “The First Noel“, both in Japanese version.

“Noel Noel born is the King of Israel….“

Tears came running down my cheeks. The hurt. The pain. It’s all coming back. The song. It reminded me of how we attended Dawn Holy Masses (every year) days before the breaking of the 25th of December, together, as a family; of how we sat beside each other singing praises and saying our prayers. This reminded me of us. And it hurts. Still. Because, now, the “us” is incomplete, because he’s missing. My dad. And no matter how hard i divert my attention to some relieving thoughts, there was no escape.

So, I let my heart’s sweat (tears) out, tried my best not to create any noise.

The song. The sound of it brings joy. Yet it shatters my heart.

God… it ain’t gonna be the same.

how to spell Christmas?

My heart bleeds everytime I see this written "Xmas" to denote Christmas. The reason? The most important word inside the word is being replaced with an X. Don't you think it's unfair to the person Himself?

Would it be ok for you to have your name replaced with an X or any letter (that sounds like a good replacement for the lost word/name)? Say for example, Rose's Birthday = X's Birthday. Isn't it weird? It's like you don't know the person. It's like a birthday of someone unknown.

Admittedly, I also used the shortcut. Quiet often. But since my Algebra teacher pointed this out, I became more careful. X in Algebra usually represents an unknown. And replacing "Christ" with an "X" makes Him Someone unknown.

Indeed. And even if you don't know Algebra, you would know that replacing your name with a letter that sounds like it would make you appear someone the other person does not know.

Why have a (grand) celebration for someone you don't know (at least by name)?

who is the Messiah?

Sometimes, I wonder who he thinks the Messiah is, Jesus or me.*

for the sake of those who desired to understand this entry but just couldn't coz i originally posted in my dialect, here's the english version. my dialect version, deleted.

This is so true. Sometimes a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the Lord to some. That's why those who don't usually go to places of worship start to go with their partner when they start to get into a relationship. If the partner doesn't go, the one who doesn't normally go, doesn't also go. If the relationship ends, going to places of worship also stops.

*taken from the book "Boundaries Before Marriage"

the art of saving

Never spend beyond what you earn. This is my golden rule when it comes to money.

Our Math teachers taught us a lot of complicated formulas to solve complicated problems. Yet, they never taught us that what works wonders to financial stability is simply subtraction.
Savings = Income - Expenses

Sure we all know how to subtract. It's way too simple that we tend to ignore its relationship to our financial world.

a debt we can not fully pay

Why is love a debt that can never be fully paid?

because it is something we should never stop doing. if it is something we could fully pay then it's something that we cease doing.

9 months since

I can't believe it's exactly 9 months since i last posted in here. And what a coincidence, it's also a Wednesday.

Soon I will be celebrating my anniversary here in Japan. Time flies so fast. I wonder if I was able to keep pace with time. Were you?

It seems to me like there are goals missed along the way. Could be because I wasn't so focused. Should be that!

I am thinking about resurrecting this page. hmnn.... (@_@). will you come follow me?

just so you know...

this morning, i cried.

i was sleeping all so well. i slept at around 3a.m. It's New Year! it's only me and housemate in our pad. we didn't go out to join any countdown nor eat a grand meal; we only had pancit canton (3 packs of it) and 4 sticks of chicken barbeque. we hugged each other and jumped when the clock hit 12:00. it's new year! it sure is. then we ate our humble meal with pride. i knew i was happy but then, i knew there were these thoughts i didn't want to entertain in my mind. i remember things but quickly snap away with it.

housemate's lonely about not being able to spend the christmas and new year back home. it's odd though, but i don't feel the same way. it's not that i don't wanna spend the season back home; it is that, it's ok if i spend it there and ok if i don't. it's like, i don't really care. it's like, it doesn't matter much.

i personally, don't feel it's odd of me to feel this way. but when i try to compare my feelings with those of my friends' i know my feelings are odd. when friends back home email and send me messages saying, "i know you wanted so much to be back home and celebrate christmas and new year with your family, but you can do it there...", my mind says, "i don't really!. it's just a day or two. it's just like any ordinary day."

honestly, i didn't wanna answer myself why i didn't really like being home celebrating the season. i avoid thinking about the very reason why. until this morning.

8:00 a.m. and i was yet sleeping. i was dreaming. i had 2 different stories in my dreams. one immediately after the other. the later one helped me conclude the very reason why i am feeling odd.

remember that i told you my dad died of liver cancer? remember it was feb 22, 2006 that he left us? and remember we got the shock of our lives on december 22, 2005 knowing that chemotherapy won't work for him anymore? remember that i told you that we had christmas inside his room at the hospital and had new year back home? the worst one ever. because dad was on his sick bed and we were all musing him, helplessly. oh, i think i said it all.

that's it. that's all about it.

in my dream there was mom, dad, my sister (eldest), her mother-in-law and her bro-in law. the setting was our farm, the one opposite to our old house. all of us knew my father was soon leaving. we were talking about how stubborn dad was (about drinking alcohol) and how he treated us when he's drank. he said he was sorry. no one cried. i was holding my tears and holding words... but listening so deeply. i was just digging the soil, taking sweet potatoes and throwing it to some places. then, i find myself, saying a word. no tears. then i stopped digging. then i said a lot of words. then shed lot of tears. i told him those words that say "if only...". i told my dad... all my feelings... all the if only's. if only he listened to me/us... if only he took care of himself... i asked him lots of why's...i knew there were no answers. i didn't want answers, anyway. i just wanna say words, say how i felt - that i love him and somehow, i wished, he loved us back...enough, to at least take good care of himself to see us through all this time, to see how we slowly reach our dreams, to see his first grandchild- that little baby that my sister is holding...

i asked why he had to go. i promised him i'll take him and mom to japan... to where i am right now. and he was so excited about it. and so was i. i told him i'll buy us a car. and i'll drive him to work and we'll shop a lot. like he always wanted. and we'll stay in hotels and eat all those foods he always longed to eat. we'll do it. like rich people do. he dreamed of it. and i'll fulfill it for him.

but now, he's gone. i feel bad. i feel so bad. i always wanted to make him and mom happy; to make his and our dreams come true; to pay-off his (and mom's) hardwork for us. i always wanted to stroll around malls and eat on restaurants with all of us, with him, especially... because he always smiled when he's brought to dine at some fancy restaurants.

when i woke up, the tears were real. up to this point. and i remember everything. and i feel bad. and i feel so sorry. and i know for sure, christmas and new year will never ever be the same. not ever.

(i am not saying that he didn't love us. he sure did. but not taking good care of his ownself, makes, for me, his love for us, a lot less. don't you think so? when you love some people, you should take good care of yourself to be with them longer, right? because when you love someone, you wanna be with that someone, physically, for a long time. )