explaining those tears

The sight of Christmas decorations at the church brought joy to my heart. It’s Christmas. So soon. Everyone were in their most cheerful faces.

We were starting the Service by singing “Hark The Herald” followed by “The First Noel“, both in Japanese version.

“Noel Noel born is the King of Israel….“

Tears came running down my cheeks. The hurt. The pain. It’s all coming back. The song. It reminded me of how we attended Dawn Holy Masses (every year) days before the breaking of the 25th of December, together, as a family; of how we sat beside each other singing praises and saying our prayers. This reminded me of us. And it hurts. Still. Because, now, the “us” is incomplete, because he’s missing. My dad. And no matter how hard i divert my attention to some relieving thoughts, there was no escape.

So, I let my heart’s sweat (tears) out, tried my best not to create any noise.

The song. The sound of it brings joy. Yet it shatters my heart.

God… it ain’t gonna be the same.