how would you like to die?

So, what's supposed to be new? Well, nothing really. My dad is still sick and situation is getting worse. He says things we could not understand...like there's a hammer falling or a duck rushing... or he looks for my sister and when my sister comes, he said it's not my sister on his side but another one.


He sometimes wake up from a long sleep and then acts like he's been running and is too tired and demands for water and even says, "let's get back home", though he's at home.


Last night, I was watching a tv program (Scene of the Crime Operatives) which shows crime and crime investigation... mostly murder cases. There was this boyfriend killing a girfriend by cutting the gir'ls neck with a knife and then the murderer committed suicide. That's called crime of passion. Oh, how it broke my heart seeing and knowing that. I couldn't really understand why some people are so narrow-minded and selfish when it comes to that. Worst, they resort to killing their own loved ones. That is such a wicked act.


Another case featured is a retired teacher, her daughter and grand daughter being killed by his son-in-law. Imagine that!?!? That son-in-law hammered the retired teacher's head, his own mother-in-law, many many times, killed his own wife with so many knife strikes and his own daughter too. That's so evil. Where's the world going to? The motive is yet unknown and that person is not yet convicted. And yet, from the evidences presented, I would like to assume that he did it. It's obvious. For me, whatever his reason is, that doesn't give him the right to do that.


Nobody should be doing that to anybody.


And then, I have come to think that I'd rather die of a disease than being killed like that. That is most painful for me... being butchered like a pig or being hammered like a nail... That is most wicked. Really.


I know this sounds weird, but....Given the chance to choose, how would you like to die?

the thought of losing

I saw my dad lying on the ground. His eyes were open; its color, a combination of red and yellow. There were ants on his body, they were trekking back and forth.

.

I thought he was thirsty so I asked him, "would you like a glass of water?".

To which he replied, "I believe so. You think my doctor allows me to?"

.

I said, "Of course, your water intake is not limited anymore, unlike before when we had to measure it and limit it to only 800 mL a day." This was when he found it hard to urinate and move bowels.

So I handed him a glass filled with water and he drank it and then slept. I left.

.

After a while, I went to check him and found that he wasn't there anymore. There were marks of his body on the ground but he wasn't anymore there. I checked and checked and asked mama where he was.

.

"He died. Our neighbor buried him..."

.

I was shocked and so dismayed.

.

"You buried him without even letting us see him?"

.

"How come?"

.

"Why didn't you wait for us?"

.

I threw a lot of questions and cried like a child. I can't describe really how I felt.

.

Then I realized I was dreaming. I got up and mused the place where dad is sleeping. He's there...not moving... I slowly went closer to him.

.

"Why are you awake this early?" dad asked. I was frightened that he's awake. He said his stomach was aching and he took his pain reliever hours ago but could not sleep anymore.

.

"When are we visiting the doctor?", dad questioning again.

.

"This Saturday", I said.

.

"You think they will want me to undergo a CT-Scan? I want to see how my liver is doing."

.

"I don't know. We'll see."

.

"I sure hope, the cancer cells are gone. I hope..."

.

"Let's just pray, pa." was my reply.

.

And he nodded. My hands were on his head and I said, "Go to sleep again. It's 5:00 a.m yet."

.

And he did close his eyes as I went back to my bed and hugged my blanket.

.

I was crying. I don't know why but I seem to miss him. Strange...because he's here with us and yet I miss him.

.

Why can't I stand the thought of losing him?

do i care?

Look at me. Give me a stare. I am okay. I am sane; looking really well. No second thoughts. I smile still, even laugh out loud.


Stop looking with your eyes. You look with your heart. You look deeper and deeper till you reach the very core of my being. There, you will see what is it that I really feel. There, you will see what composes my fascade. It's ironic though. Because you can not add up everything you will see there to sum up a fascade like your eyes may have seen.


I am not what your naked eyes have seen. I am the other way around, an empty soul.


I am not as joyful as you may see. I am suffering. I am not totally sane. I am slowly losing it. Yes, my sanity is approaching zero. I am not whole. I am broken.


I may appear so composed. In reality, torn and weak. I am not whole. No, not anymore. For I am so wounded and I gracefully embrace that wound. I took care of it reason why it never leaves. My fault!


I wish I could pick each broken piece up and form my self whole again in time.


But for now, I am certain, the road is not clear.... almost zero visibility. But I keep going, even overspeeding, not thinking really if I am on the right lane... nor considering the fact that I might hit co-travellers and hurt them or hurt myself. I just want to pass through this as fast as I could.


Indeed life can be very tiring. It can consume the totality of your being like it does to mine. But, do I care? I DON'T.


How coward am I! But, do I care? I said, I DON'T! Funny, but I don't.

Happy Birthday Pa

The time I wake up this morning, I went to check Pa to greet him a happy birthday. But he's asleep still so I chatted with Ma while she's busy preparing Pa's breakfast. Then she went to wake Papa up so he could eat breakfast and take his medicines. I went with her to greet him. He asked whether we prepared some foods in celebration. Ma just smiled and said "that will be tonight." He went to the dining table and positioned to eat.


I was sipping my coffee(with milk) then. I noticed Papa merely staring at the food on the table. He then complained that he doesn't like the food and demanded Mama to learn to look for something delicious every meal. Wow! How dare he said that? He reminded Mama that even before, when he isn't yet sick, he doesn't want repeated foods for he gets fed up to it.


I find it so rude of him to said so. I wish he knew how carefully Mama prepared it and how delicious it really is. I wish he considered also that Mama is not only busy preparing for his foods, she is also sleepless while watching over him and assisting him in everything he does - preparing his meds, measuring every bit of liquid he drinks, preparing his toothbrush and clothes, preparing water for his bath, cleaning his mess and the like.


We're just silent so we wouldn't say a word that might hurt. Inside of me (and perhaps, of Mama), I would like to say, something such as, "Eat whatever is served to you. Important thing, the food is healthy and consider somehow, it's carefully prepared for you. And if you don't have appetite for that, that isn't our fault, that's the effect of your so loved vice."


Then he picked a bread instead. Mama offered to reheat it and with his permission, Mama did it. After a minute, the bread was ready and laid back to the table. Oh! And he just said, "I lost my appetite for that bread!", insinuating that Mama had better not reheat it. But wait, didn't he give his permission? This makes me crazy. Then he drank water and took his meds, brushed his teeth, went to the CR and proceeded to sleeping again.


We're alone in the dining table - me and Ma. I saw some tears in Ma's eyes. I knew it meant, she did her best and still Papa remained so demanding like he is the only person on earth.... like he is the only person to be considered.


I would like to tell him so but held back coz I know it's not the right time. He's so sick and it's his birthday.


"Happy Birthday, Pa", I whispered. I wish you learn to appreciate the people around you... loving you so much... considering every bit of your need and state, especially Mama. We're doing our best to help you lessen the pain (if not recover your health), at least, be cooperative.


Don't get me wrong. Inspite of it all, we love Papa. We see his flaws and yet accepted everything about him- No IF's, no BUT's. Mama taught us how.

today and tomorrow

Papa sleeps about 70% of each day.  He wakes up only when he takes medicines, eats, drinks, moves bowels and urinates.  We'd like to see him going around the house or at least, muse the flowers in our garden.  It should make him a little better.  But he refused to.  He's just too tired to walk around and open his eyes.  He just wants to keep closing his eyes to deceive himself and forget about the pain, at least, a little.

Today we went out to see Papa's doctor.  It's been a week since he's discharged from the hospital and we're to go for consultation every week.  The doctor examined Papa and found out that there's water on his lungs reason why he found it hard to move around and breath well.  We went for a Chest x-ray and then have to wait for 2 days for the result.  The x-ray would show the amount of water inside his lungs and would help his doctor evaluate whether or not, the water has to be removed via paracentesis (I guess).

I moved around again to find his medicines, the newly-prescribed ones and then I am here, in the office, working, while Ma, Pa and sister went back home.

Tomorrrow will be 'Sinulog' (dance feast in honor of Sr. Sto. Nino) here.  It is a grand day in Cebu and people from all over the world gather to witness this special event.  I wish I could be merry.  I just couldn't.  The storm seems to never cease. 

Tomorrow, too, Papa will turn a year older.  It will be Papa's 50th birthday.  I wish I could greet him a happy one.  But I know I couldn't.  How could he be when he's in pain? 

So, most likely, we'll just have to let it pass and consider that day to be just another day in our lives.

Will he ever get well?  Only heaven knows.

family ties

Today, in our Japanese class we're discussing about Japanese and Filipino culture differences.  There, indeed, are many differences.   But I was struct at this difference- FAMILY.

The Philippines is known to have a strong family ties.  There are positive and negative effects of this, of course, but this is what we are and we love it that way.  The Japanese, being not so close to their families but to their friends is a known thing.

Our Japanese teacher doesn't contact her parents for quiet a long time.  I would like to guess, it been 10 years since.  This is a thing done by a usual Japanese child to her parents.  She said, not contacting would mean to their parents that they are okay and doing well.  And if she contacts them, it would mean, something's going wrong. 

I believe, this is weird.

Filipinos contact their families and loved ones wherever they go to keep them updated with the things they are doing and the places they're going.  Filipinos have to keep in touch with their loved ones to show that they care too and don't want their loved ones to worry about them, they are ok. 
Conflicting, isn't it?  The Japanese contact would mean a negative thing has happened whereas a Filipino contact would mean they care. 

We asked her, "What if your parents are sick?  Don't you wanna know?" 

"depends what type of sickness." came her reply.

"What if a matter life and death one, say cancer?".

"Leave it to them.  I can not do anything about it.  I can not cure them anyway.  That's life."

"Oh, in the Philippines, that's a hurting remark!  You should show to your parents how much you love them by seeing them and serving them especially when they dying.  You ought to show them how much you love them even in their last few days of existence. You should show them how grateful you are that they cared and raised you well."

"I am grateful to them in my heart.  That's enough."

We're all shocked.  Tears come rolling down our eyes.  I feel for the Japanese parents.  I think it's very sad to know that your kids don't care for you at all, the time they found a life of their own.  In reality, Japanese parents don't want to bother their kids too.   Yet, it's still so sad for me. 

It's just so sad for me.  (But I do understand them.)

Dear Lord

Dear Lord,

You know how burdened my heart is. There are times when I wanted to give up and just rest in peace. I sometimes feel the world upon my shoulder. I'm sorry, I'm exagerrating. I know this isn't even one-fourth of the burden that you're carrying.

You know it breaks my heart to see papa crying in pain. I just couldn't do a thing but call Your name. I hope, though, it eases a bit of the pain. I know he did this to himself and he's to be blame and yet I couldn't afford seeing him suffer. It's painful Lord and I wanted to take part of it, if only to lessen that pain. You know, we love him despite everything. And we'll never be as happy without him. We're never a family without him. I hope You give him one more chance Lord, for him to live by the lessons he may have learned from all these things that's happening... for him to show love to mama and his children and for us to have more time spending together as a family.

I pray for mama Lord, that you give her the strength to accept whatever is it that's bound to happen to us and our family, that she continues to accept and embrace all the pain there is, with full trust in You, that she continues to believe and hope. I know she wanted so much to grow more older with papa. I hope Lord, that you grant her heart's desires. I wanted so much to see her happy and I know papa is her happiness. She deserves to be happy. If she could have a bonus for being a good mother and wife, I know she will ask for this. She never wanted anything more but a whole and peaceful family.

Above all Lord, allow our hearts to understand Your will and let us see clearly that everything is for the best. Let us hold on to the truth that You know what's best and please raise our faith up higher for we need it more this time.

I will continue to trust even if I often don't understand. I will try to understand even if there seems no explanation. I shall surrender to Your will believing always You know what's best.

I trust in You, Lord. I always will. No matter what happens.

Forever and always Lord, Thy will be done.

In Jesus Name, I pray.

AMEN.

Live Life

l Look people in the eye.

l Sing in the shower.

l Own a great stereo system.

l If in a fight, hit first and hit hard.

l Keep secrets.

l Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday.

l Always accept an outstretched hand.

l Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference.

l Whistle.

l Avoid sarcastic remarks. - Important

l Choose your life's mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 per cent of all your happiness or misery.

l Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out.

l Lend only those books you never care to see again.

l Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all that they have.

l When playing games with children, let them win.

l Give people a second chance, but not a third.

l Be romantic.

l Become the most positive and enthusiastic person you know.

l Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life-and-death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems.

l Don't allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It's there for your convenience, not the caller's.

l Be a good loser.

l Be a good winner.

l Think twice before burdening a friend with a secret.

l When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go.

l Be modest. A lot was accomplished before you were born.

l Keep it simple.

l Beware of the person who has nothing to lose.

l Don't burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river.

l Live your life so that your epitaph could read, No Regrets

l Be bold and courageous. When you look back on life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the one's you did.

l Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them.

l Remember no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart and be quick to acknowledge those who helped you.

l Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you.

l Visit friends and relatives when they are in hospital; you need only stay a few minutes.

l Begin each day with some of your favorite music.

l Once in a while, take the scenic route.

l Send a lot of Christmas cards. Sign them, 'Someone who thinks you're terrific.'

l Don't expect life to be fair.

l Keep a note pad and pencil on your bed-side table. Million-dollar ideas sometimes strike at 3 a.m.

l Show respect for everyone who works for a living, regardless of how trivial their job.

l Send your loved ones flowers. Think of a reason later.

l Make someone's day by paying the toll for the person in the car behind you.

l Become someone's hero.

l Marry only for love.

l Count your blessings.

l Compliment the meal when you're a guest in someone's home.

l Wave at the children on a school bus.

love in your heart

---

I got this quote from the hospital.  I thought this is so striking reason why I'm sharing this here.

"If you have love in your heart, you do not need to have anything else.  If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what you have."

---

 

if life could be rewinded

If life could be rewinded...

I bet my dad would choose to listen to our reminders- no alcohols, no cigarettes.

You see, everytime we reminded him of that, he made us shut our mouths up like we simply do not want him to be happy. And telling him to quit drinking would mean taking away his happiness and drinking friends from him. He thought we were merely being selfish.

And so, my mom, lowered down the request that he must eat before he drinks. But he never paid attention. We're simply villaines to him, that was all we were.

I remember, I asked him once to quit drinking because he couldn't anymore manage to walk and go home. He slammed my request and said he was belittled in front of his so-called friends. And he was so ashamed. Why was that? I did my request in a corner where no one could hear us and I did it with respect. I'm sure I did. He just refused to understand.

He was happy with his friends, spending all his money to beers and alcohol and getting drank all he wanted. For him, that was total happiness.

He stopped drinking about 2 years ago, that's when my grandpa died of liver cancer. (Well, I couldn't really tell if it really was for he never was diagnosed of that. He was afraid of doctors and hospitals. But I believe he died of that). I guess, he's (papa) been abusing his health for at least 25 years by excessive drinking of alcohol, plus smoking at least 10 sticks a day.

He quitted on his own without us telling him. That time, he was so afraid he'd have the same disease my grandpa died of.

A year after (I think on March 2005), he was diagnosed of liver cancer (hepatoma). Could we question that? Of course not! We knew he's been driving his way towards that.

He underwent Chemotherapy and got well for about 9 months. Then again, December 2005, the cancer struck again. This time, it's worse- Terminal Stage. We did all we could to help him.

Chemotherapy again. Acupuncture. Herbal Medicines. Quack Doctor. Everything.

Now he's got bulging stomach and he suffers from another complication, portal thrombosis. Know what that means? Go ask Mr. Google. Almost every hour his stomach pain strikes and it later seems hard for pain relievers to serve him. He hardly sleeps and he's frequently attacked by the pain he couldn't explain.

I could see regrets on his face.

If only I could turn back time....
If only I did listen...
If only.

But then, there's no turning back of time. Time lost can never be regained. Today and tomorrow are all we have. And what's left is for him (and for all of us) to learn. We love him. I sure hope he knows. It should be obvious and crystal clear.

For now, we treasure each moment that we have. We put not the blame on anyone. That certainly, won't help. We shall all pass and who gets to go ahead? we do not know. It sure, would have been best if we're careful, cautious and preventive. But hey! I said, there's no turning back of time.

Regret belongs to the future. And waiting for that future to come might be the stupidest thing to do. It might be too late then.

To whoever reads this one, I leave this quote, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You do not live long enough to make them all yourself."

merely Christmas

As expected I'm back to work.  There are only, I think, 10 of us reporting for work today; the rest are taking personal leaves and go on a vacation with families and friends.  And while I wanted so much to simply have fun and unwind and recover all my lost energy as I spent every single night in overtime, I couldn't.  Got to at least lessen the debts incurred. 

As expected, we spent Christmas inside my dad's lonely room, Rm 417.  All 6 of us plus my sis' hubby spent the night in the hospital.  We just had our usual dinner and then at 9pm, we were on our pillows and blankets, watching TV while dad was suffering the pain of his stomach.  I guess he took about 4 caps of pain reliever and still it didn't seem to work.  What a Christmas!

When the firework had started, Mama opened the curtain windows and we mused the colorful effects of each firecracker lighted, burned and released to give noise, beauty and pehaps bring joy to those watching it. My eyes saw how colorful the firework was, but my brain just refused to process the beauty that my eyes saw.  It insisted there wasn't any single color nor beauty at all.  And so I laid myself again and hugged my blanket and all of us were down again.

Was it really Christmas!  How come it wasn't Merry?

"Merry Christmas!" i greeted them all in a shout.

"No!  it's not Merry... it's merely Christmas!"  came my mama's reply.

Silence... deafening silence...

I wanted to believe this is all a nightmare.  

messed up

Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of work.  We're supposed to be on a Christmas vacation and get back on the 27th.  Damn.  My task got really messed up the minute I was about to leave the office last night.  I promised to eat dinner with my family inside my dad's room (in the hospital).  And so I left without fixing the thing I needed to fix and swore I would come back today. 

And yes, I am here.  I knew this could be fixed in less than an hour.  I arrived 9a.m. today and guess I am just so unlucky not to get this simple thing working.  No, it's not that I can't concentrate, it's just that the development board doesn't seem to cooperate.  And it's already 2:31pm.  And there isn't any single sign that this thing's gonna work perfectly as I wanted.  Goodness!

Just when I needed to rush to see my dad, my whole world just messes up!

How could that be?!?!?

Blue Christmas

It's December 23- very Christmas in the Philippines.  I'm afraid there won't be any Christmas at home.  My dad is in the hospital.  He's been there since the 21st.  Oh and I thought cancer is shift-deleted from his system.  How come I was so wrong?  It's striking again... and my dad's tummy is just bulging and it's real hard, as hard as a stone and he's getting real thinner. 

Mama has been crying.  I really can't help but feel sorry for whatever's gonna happen to our supposedly Merry Christmas.  Oh!  I wish it could still be merry and bright.  I hope this storm will pass us all again (like it did before) and we'll all be standing still.  And I mean, all of us.  And when I say, all of us, I mean, no one's missing. 

I couldn't imagine Christmas anymore the way I always have looked forward to that day.  And I can't believe it's getting nearer.  In less than two days it will be Christmas.  Would you care to lift my spirit up so I'd still hope the best is yet to come? 

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human


because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds


After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,


"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied,


"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples."

an officemate emailed this to me. i kinda thought this is cute so, i'm sharin this.

love you ma

I just want to say I love my mama.

I'm sure she knows.

I just want the world to know.

weak and weary me

I am weak. This I admit.

Several times in my existence, I told myself I could not make it and then I wish there'll be no more tomorrow and the morning never comes. Ever thought of wanting that? ... that you sleep and you never wake up? ... that maybe, in the middle of the night, death comes grabbing you?

I always thought of that, whenever difficulties are sent upon me. Oh yeah, I knew, difficulties are God's errands and when we're sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence. But sometimes, this is not as convincing as it is. And this is NOT the very first thing that pops in my mind when I'm in trouble. Perhaps, because I prefer to see the darker side. Pessimistic me!

It is always easier to comfort a mourning friend but when i am the one in trouble, everything i may have said are shift-deleted in my mind. I get easily tired of hoping for the good things to come.

Last night, when I journeyed home, I had hoped the motorcycle I was riding would bump into something and I would die right there and then. But to my dismay, it didn't. When I laid myself to sleep, I wished I will never wake up. But I did and now, I'm here.

I just can't have everything I hoped for. And so, life goes on till death conquers my world.

Breath... Breath... life is at hand still. And yet, I wanted to return it now, thinking I have had enough of it. (Isn't it an insult to the Giver?)

Worry not... I shall wait patiently for my turn and won't head straight towards grabbing what my heart desires the most.

Offering, the Jap way

Japanese express their feelings and opinions with hesitation and so, in most cases, they speak up what they really want or think, the indirect way.

For example, they want to offer coffee. 
A.
Nihongo:  Kohii ha ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee?
B.
Nihongo:  Kohii demo ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee...or anything?

Vocabulary Check:
Kohii - coffee
ha -  (pronounced as wa) a particle in English grammar
ikaga desu ka - an expression of offering something; means "would you like?"
demo - expresses hesitation

A is the direct way of offering coffee while B is the indirect way.  And Japanese are too good at using indirect statements to show hesitation.  And so, B is the most commonly used statement because A is rather too direct.

So, given a situation when someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and you would like to offer yourself, when you're in Japan, you can say, "Watashi demo ii desu ka?" (or "Watashi demo ikaga desu ka?") instead of saying, "Watashi ha ii desu ka?"(or "Watashi ha ikaga desu ka?").  The latter is rather too direct. 

Vocabulary Check:
Watashi - me, i
ii desu ka - is it alright?

In English, that means, "Is it alright to have me...? or someone else...?".  In reality, the speaker only wanted to say, "Is it alright to have me?" or "How about me?".  Note that demo is the key word here.  And without demo, the statement becomes direct.

Interesting, isn't it?

hurt: fair share

"Nobody has the right to do as he pleases except when he pleases to do right."

Sometimes, people believe that they are the only ones who possess a heart. They expect people to consider how they would feel without even considering others.

That's unfair.

Don't expect people to be careful with your heart when in the first place you aren't careful with theirs. Hurt belongs to anyone who does have a heart. And if you insist you have yours, then, don't forget I also insist, I have mine.

You reap what you sow. Always. Don't expect to reap gold from sowing a rotten seed. Never!

You don't earn respect without respecting others yourself. And so, do not seek to be considered if you are not being considerate yourself. How dare you expect others to consider about your feelings when you don't consider theirs?

How dare you believe you are unfairly hurt when you did not even take a graceful look about the hurt you've made.

Think again.

You are not the only creature who possesses a heart. In case you forgot.

Perfect Mom

Living was hard.  In the morning, mama used to wake us up to go and take a bath and then eat our breakfast so we could head for school.  No one left the house without eating whatever mama prepared for us.  I remember refusing to eat because I was so fed up with instant noodles and mama wouldn't let me up and get my bag.  I had to eat and finish what was for me.

Mama never allowed us to go to school with empty tummies.  Why?  because she never sent us to school with money in our pockets.  No money for food, only for icewater.  So we had to eat breakfast and bring our packed lunch, else, we had to stay.

After school hours, we were demanded to go home as soon as possible and do our assigned chores- fetch water from the well (river), wash dishes, cook dinner, pick the goats from the grassland and clean the house.  After dinner, we had to do our school assignments and then help her make barbecue sticks or weave baskets.  No one should sleep ahead.  Everyone must be helping if not studying and finish what was set for us.

On weekends and summer vacations, mama would bring us all to our farm wearing our jackets, long pants and hats, to protect us from insect bites and sun burns.  Each one of us were armed with bolos and grub hues.  We planted corn, mongo, okra, eggplants, string beans and peanuts.  And we harvested them ourselves and sometimes, with the help of a few neighbors when corn harvest was good.  We tilled 4 farms.  Two of which were around 1200 sq.m. and the other two were around 2000 sq. m.  We used to till the 2 smaller ones ourselves and hire a few persons to clean the bigger ones.  But we fertilized the corn plants ourselves on all 4 farms.  When it's time to wait for the harvest, we shifted to making firewoods and sold them.  We had to cut branches of the trees, cut each to make 15-inch sticks, dry it, group and tie each 15 sticks and carry it to some place where someone would trade each bunch of wood with Php0.50.  From what we earned, we usually bought kilo/s of corn( if we haven't harvested yet) and dried fish.

We walked to and fro school.  That was about 2 km away from home.  No budget for jeepney fare which was, I think, Php1.50 that time.  But we never complained.  We understood why it had to be that way.

Mama was simply a housewife (now, she serves the barangay).  But on top of her being a housewife (one who fixes the house, washes/irones clothes, cooks for us, and the like), she was a farmer and a businesswoman at heart.  She reaped fruits and vegetables from our farm and sold it in the market leaving the house at midnight and reaching the house at dawn, before all of us woke up, and thus, preparing our breakfast without us knowing that she had arrived. 

Mama is an intelligent, tough and hardworking woman.  She brought us up to live with only the simplest things in life and thus, there are a lot of things I could live without.  She taught us things in life especially those that money can't buy.  She shaped us into who we are now.  She made us see that what we do today will be the cause of what we become tomorrow.  She is a good leader.  She teaches us not to focus on what we do not have, instead, on what we have and do something to have what we do not have. 

My mama had a tough experience in rearing us because, financially, they were not ready.  And she didn't want to beg for help from my grandparents.  She got tired and I know there were lots of times when she wanted to give up but she never did.  She's a strong woman.  She stood by what she had decided and she always stood for what is right and pleasing. 

She tirelessly and endlessly envelopes us with love even if I know, at times, she's tired especially while fighting against the many trials surrounding us.

I just love my mama.  And don't ask me why, for me, she is the perfect mother there can be.  She has proven that by raising us the best way she could despite all odds.  And I think, what we have become is exactly how she wanted us to be.  What we have become is our gift to mama.  Whatever we do, we always consider what mama will feel-whether or not mama approves of it. 

Happy Birthday Ma!  You're the best!   

I fear I won't be as good as you when I become a mom myself someday. 

so embarassing!

Told you i have been taking bioslim herbal tea for bowel movements. initially took it for slimming purposes but when i tried to stop taking it, i couldn't move bowels anymore. So, I take it daily without fail. I move bowels 2x a day. Around 7:00 a.m. and around 9:00 a.m. And these are intense and abrupt ones- effects of the tea i take.

This entry is a bit of an "EWWWW....!" but bear with me, if you can.

October 30, 5:30a.m. I left the house to spend my holiday at Malapascua Island. Take note, I haven't moved bowels yet. I picked my honey up and we head to Colonade Supermarket to meet my friends we were going with. 7:00a.m. inside Colonade Supermarket, I was feeling the intense pain of my stomach. It's a signal for me to do my scheduled routine. I went to the comfort room and sought for toilet papers. None around. I went back to the Supermarket and decided not to move bowels anymore. I still could control.

7:30 a.m. we had our butts on the plastic chairs of the airconditioned bus, heavily loaded with passengers heading towards North of Cebu. We're seated at the center portion of the said bus since we had no choice. Van Hilseng movie started to play and I was enjoying . I think all 4 of us were.

Around 10:00a.m. Bus stop at Carmen Cebu. I took my chance of sitting on the soft bus chair while others left to grab something to eat. Suddenly, I felt my stomach aching again. This time, the driver just went up, so I took my center seat instead of rushing to the nearest comfort room. I managed to control giving birth to my shit and enjoyed watching the movie again. I was hoping for another bus stop but none happened in more than an hour of hoping.

Then again, my shit struck and I was so terrified. It kept striking and striking and it became more intense. It bumped me in just a matter of seconds and I felt so out of control. I tried hard to control it but my shit was at its most furious, curious and strongest state to see the outside world. Lord, help me. There were like a hundred people inside the bus and I knew it was a whole lot of shame smelling overly weird. I was thinking that my friends and honey would disown me if i deliver the shirt right there. I was thinking how shameful that would be. I thought of ways, maybe I could ask the driver to stop awhile or maybe I could just stay hoping that the next stop would be nearer. I was feeling hot and shivering. Oh! If only I was somewhere, I would happily let it out. I laid my head on my honey's shoulder and hoped the feeling would cease to disturb me so badly. Nothing happened. My shit... I feel its strength to come out without listening to me! My goodness! I pushed my ass harder to the chair and bite my lips the hardest I could. "Oh God! help me!... pls... pls...." This was my cry.

Slowly, the attack gets calmer. And I breathed a bit. Then, it struck again. Wow! Really not listening to me, ha? I was getting so dismayed. Thought again of asking the driver to stop for a while to let me do my thing. But I didn't. It's a shame to the rest of the passengers. I tried to think of other stuffs which could divert my feelings and attention... perhaps, this could lessen the attack. But NO. It didn't. It's so hard-headed and so persistent.

Thank goodness we reached the terminal! The first thing I did was rushed to the comfort room. I was really running when someone asked me for a pay. My goodness! I was hurrying so badly and yet I was ceased to pay! immediately took my purse and paid and rushed to the comfort room and sought for a vacant room and did my thing.

Wow! sarap ng feeeling! Phew!

Holy Shit! That could have been my most embarassing experience.

My regret? Not taking the good chance I had while I was inside Colonade Supermarket and while I sit comfortably inside the bus on a Bus Stop when those were good chances for me to do my thing.

Ever had this experience?