love in your heart

---

I got this quote from the hospital.  I thought this is so striking reason why I'm sharing this here.

"If you have love in your heart, you do not need to have anything else.  If you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what you have."

---

 

if life could be rewinded

If life could be rewinded...

I bet my dad would choose to listen to our reminders- no alcohols, no cigarettes.

You see, everytime we reminded him of that, he made us shut our mouths up like we simply do not want him to be happy. And telling him to quit drinking would mean taking away his happiness and drinking friends from him. He thought we were merely being selfish.

And so, my mom, lowered down the request that he must eat before he drinks. But he never paid attention. We're simply villaines to him, that was all we were.

I remember, I asked him once to quit drinking because he couldn't anymore manage to walk and go home. He slammed my request and said he was belittled in front of his so-called friends. And he was so ashamed. Why was that? I did my request in a corner where no one could hear us and I did it with respect. I'm sure I did. He just refused to understand.

He was happy with his friends, spending all his money to beers and alcohol and getting drank all he wanted. For him, that was total happiness.

He stopped drinking about 2 years ago, that's when my grandpa died of liver cancer. (Well, I couldn't really tell if it really was for he never was diagnosed of that. He was afraid of doctors and hospitals. But I believe he died of that). I guess, he's (papa) been abusing his health for at least 25 years by excessive drinking of alcohol, plus smoking at least 10 sticks a day.

He quitted on his own without us telling him. That time, he was so afraid he'd have the same disease my grandpa died of.

A year after (I think on March 2005), he was diagnosed of liver cancer (hepatoma). Could we question that? Of course not! We knew he's been driving his way towards that.

He underwent Chemotherapy and got well for about 9 months. Then again, December 2005, the cancer struck again. This time, it's worse- Terminal Stage. We did all we could to help him.

Chemotherapy again. Acupuncture. Herbal Medicines. Quack Doctor. Everything.

Now he's got bulging stomach and he suffers from another complication, portal thrombosis. Know what that means? Go ask Mr. Google. Almost every hour his stomach pain strikes and it later seems hard for pain relievers to serve him. He hardly sleeps and he's frequently attacked by the pain he couldn't explain.

I could see regrets on his face.

If only I could turn back time....
If only I did listen...
If only.

But then, there's no turning back of time. Time lost can never be regained. Today and tomorrow are all we have. And what's left is for him (and for all of us) to learn. We love him. I sure hope he knows. It should be obvious and crystal clear.

For now, we treasure each moment that we have. We put not the blame on anyone. That certainly, won't help. We shall all pass and who gets to go ahead? we do not know. It sure, would have been best if we're careful, cautious and preventive. But hey! I said, there's no turning back of time.

Regret belongs to the future. And waiting for that future to come might be the stupidest thing to do. It might be too late then.

To whoever reads this one, I leave this quote, "Learn from the mistakes of others. You do not live long enough to make them all yourself."

merely Christmas

As expected I'm back to work.  There are only, I think, 10 of us reporting for work today; the rest are taking personal leaves and go on a vacation with families and friends.  And while I wanted so much to simply have fun and unwind and recover all my lost energy as I spent every single night in overtime, I couldn't.  Got to at least lessen the debts incurred. 

As expected, we spent Christmas inside my dad's lonely room, Rm 417.  All 6 of us plus my sis' hubby spent the night in the hospital.  We just had our usual dinner and then at 9pm, we were on our pillows and blankets, watching TV while dad was suffering the pain of his stomach.  I guess he took about 4 caps of pain reliever and still it didn't seem to work.  What a Christmas!

When the firework had started, Mama opened the curtain windows and we mused the colorful effects of each firecracker lighted, burned and released to give noise, beauty and pehaps bring joy to those watching it. My eyes saw how colorful the firework was, but my brain just refused to process the beauty that my eyes saw.  It insisted there wasn't any single color nor beauty at all.  And so I laid myself again and hugged my blanket and all of us were down again.

Was it really Christmas!  How come it wasn't Merry?

"Merry Christmas!" i greeted them all in a shout.

"No!  it's not Merry... it's merely Christmas!"  came my mama's reply.

Silence... deafening silence...

I wanted to believe this is all a nightmare.  

messed up

Yesterday was supposed to be my last day of work.  We're supposed to be on a Christmas vacation and get back on the 27th.  Damn.  My task got really messed up the minute I was about to leave the office last night.  I promised to eat dinner with my family inside my dad's room (in the hospital).  And so I left without fixing the thing I needed to fix and swore I would come back today. 

And yes, I am here.  I knew this could be fixed in less than an hour.  I arrived 9a.m. today and guess I am just so unlucky not to get this simple thing working.  No, it's not that I can't concentrate, it's just that the development board doesn't seem to cooperate.  And it's already 2:31pm.  And there isn't any single sign that this thing's gonna work perfectly as I wanted.  Goodness!

Just when I needed to rush to see my dad, my whole world just messes up!

How could that be?!?!?

Blue Christmas

It's December 23- very Christmas in the Philippines.  I'm afraid there won't be any Christmas at home.  My dad is in the hospital.  He's been there since the 21st.  Oh and I thought cancer is shift-deleted from his system.  How come I was so wrong?  It's striking again... and my dad's tummy is just bulging and it's real hard, as hard as a stone and he's getting real thinner. 

Mama has been crying.  I really can't help but feel sorry for whatever's gonna happen to our supposedly Merry Christmas.  Oh!  I wish it could still be merry and bright.  I hope this storm will pass us all again (like it did before) and we'll all be standing still.  And I mean, all of us.  And when I say, all of us, I mean, no one's missing. 

I couldn't imagine Christmas anymore the way I always have looked forward to that day.  And I can't believe it's getting nearer.  In less than two days it will be Christmas.  Would you care to lift my spirit up so I'd still hope the best is yet to come? 

7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human


because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, "They will in a minute."


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds


After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked,


"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered, "Thou shall not kill."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes
at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied,


"Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up
and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, she's dead. "


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to
make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head,
the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face.." "Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a
large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take
all you want - God is watching the apples."

an officemate emailed this to me. i kinda thought this is cute so, i'm sharin this.

love you ma

I just want to say I love my mama.

I'm sure she knows.

I just want the world to know.

weak and weary me

I am weak. This I admit.

Several times in my existence, I told myself I could not make it and then I wish there'll be no more tomorrow and the morning never comes. Ever thought of wanting that? ... that you sleep and you never wake up? ... that maybe, in the middle of the night, death comes grabbing you?

I always thought of that, whenever difficulties are sent upon me. Oh yeah, I knew, difficulties are God's errands and when we're sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence. But sometimes, this is not as convincing as it is. And this is NOT the very first thing that pops in my mind when I'm in trouble. Perhaps, because I prefer to see the darker side. Pessimistic me!

It is always easier to comfort a mourning friend but when i am the one in trouble, everything i may have said are shift-deleted in my mind. I get easily tired of hoping for the good things to come.

Last night, when I journeyed home, I had hoped the motorcycle I was riding would bump into something and I would die right there and then. But to my dismay, it didn't. When I laid myself to sleep, I wished I will never wake up. But I did and now, I'm here.

I just can't have everything I hoped for. And so, life goes on till death conquers my world.

Breath... Breath... life is at hand still. And yet, I wanted to return it now, thinking I have had enough of it. (Isn't it an insult to the Giver?)

Worry not... I shall wait patiently for my turn and won't head straight towards grabbing what my heart desires the most.

Offering, the Jap way

Japanese express their feelings and opinions with hesitation and so, in most cases, they speak up what they really want or think, the indirect way.

For example, they want to offer coffee. 
A.
Nihongo:  Kohii ha ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee?
B.
Nihongo:  Kohii demo ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee...or anything?

Vocabulary Check:
Kohii - coffee
ha -  (pronounced as wa) a particle in English grammar
ikaga desu ka - an expression of offering something; means "would you like?"
demo - expresses hesitation

A is the direct way of offering coffee while B is the indirect way.  And Japanese are too good at using indirect statements to show hesitation.  And so, B is the most commonly used statement because A is rather too direct.

So, given a situation when someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and you would like to offer yourself, when you're in Japan, you can say, "Watashi demo ii desu ka?" (or "Watashi demo ikaga desu ka?") instead of saying, "Watashi ha ii desu ka?"(or "Watashi ha ikaga desu ka?").  The latter is rather too direct. 

Vocabulary Check:
Watashi - me, i
ii desu ka - is it alright?

In English, that means, "Is it alright to have me...? or someone else...?".  In reality, the speaker only wanted to say, "Is it alright to have me?" or "How about me?".  Note that demo is the key word here.  And without demo, the statement becomes direct.

Interesting, isn't it?

hurt: fair share

"Nobody has the right to do as he pleases except when he pleases to do right."

Sometimes, people believe that they are the only ones who possess a heart. They expect people to consider how they would feel without even considering others.

That's unfair.

Don't expect people to be careful with your heart when in the first place you aren't careful with theirs. Hurt belongs to anyone who does have a heart. And if you insist you have yours, then, don't forget I also insist, I have mine.

You reap what you sow. Always. Don't expect to reap gold from sowing a rotten seed. Never!

You don't earn respect without respecting others yourself. And so, do not seek to be considered if you are not being considerate yourself. How dare you expect others to consider about your feelings when you don't consider theirs?

How dare you believe you are unfairly hurt when you did not even take a graceful look about the hurt you've made.

Think again.

You are not the only creature who possesses a heart. In case you forgot.

Perfect Mom

Living was hard.  In the morning, mama used to wake us up to go and take a bath and then eat our breakfast so we could head for school.  No one left the house without eating whatever mama prepared for us.  I remember refusing to eat because I was so fed up with instant noodles and mama wouldn't let me up and get my bag.  I had to eat and finish what was for me.

Mama never allowed us to go to school with empty tummies.  Why?  because she never sent us to school with money in our pockets.  No money for food, only for icewater.  So we had to eat breakfast and bring our packed lunch, else, we had to stay.

After school hours, we were demanded to go home as soon as possible and do our assigned chores- fetch water from the well (river), wash dishes, cook dinner, pick the goats from the grassland and clean the house.  After dinner, we had to do our school assignments and then help her make barbecue sticks or weave baskets.  No one should sleep ahead.  Everyone must be helping if not studying and finish what was set for us.

On weekends and summer vacations, mama would bring us all to our farm wearing our jackets, long pants and hats, to protect us from insect bites and sun burns.  Each one of us were armed with bolos and grub hues.  We planted corn, mongo, okra, eggplants, string beans and peanuts.  And we harvested them ourselves and sometimes, with the help of a few neighbors when corn harvest was good.  We tilled 4 farms.  Two of which were around 1200 sq.m. and the other two were around 2000 sq. m.  We used to till the 2 smaller ones ourselves and hire a few persons to clean the bigger ones.  But we fertilized the corn plants ourselves on all 4 farms.  When it's time to wait for the harvest, we shifted to making firewoods and sold them.  We had to cut branches of the trees, cut each to make 15-inch sticks, dry it, group and tie each 15 sticks and carry it to some place where someone would trade each bunch of wood with Php0.50.  From what we earned, we usually bought kilo/s of corn( if we haven't harvested yet) and dried fish.

We walked to and fro school.  That was about 2 km away from home.  No budget for jeepney fare which was, I think, Php1.50 that time.  But we never complained.  We understood why it had to be that way.

Mama was simply a housewife (now, she serves the barangay).  But on top of her being a housewife (one who fixes the house, washes/irones clothes, cooks for us, and the like), she was a farmer and a businesswoman at heart.  She reaped fruits and vegetables from our farm and sold it in the market leaving the house at midnight and reaching the house at dawn, before all of us woke up, and thus, preparing our breakfast without us knowing that she had arrived. 

Mama is an intelligent, tough and hardworking woman.  She brought us up to live with only the simplest things in life and thus, there are a lot of things I could live without.  She taught us things in life especially those that money can't buy.  She shaped us into who we are now.  She made us see that what we do today will be the cause of what we become tomorrow.  She is a good leader.  She teaches us not to focus on what we do not have, instead, on what we have and do something to have what we do not have. 

My mama had a tough experience in rearing us because, financially, they were not ready.  And she didn't want to beg for help from my grandparents.  She got tired and I know there were lots of times when she wanted to give up but she never did.  She's a strong woman.  She stood by what she had decided and she always stood for what is right and pleasing. 

She tirelessly and endlessly envelopes us with love even if I know, at times, she's tired especially while fighting against the many trials surrounding us.

I just love my mama.  And don't ask me why, for me, she is the perfect mother there can be.  She has proven that by raising us the best way she could despite all odds.  And I think, what we have become is exactly how she wanted us to be.  What we have become is our gift to mama.  Whatever we do, we always consider what mama will feel-whether or not mama approves of it. 

Happy Birthday Ma!  You're the best!   

I fear I won't be as good as you when I become a mom myself someday. 

so embarassing!

Told you i have been taking bioslim herbal tea for bowel movements. initially took it for slimming purposes but when i tried to stop taking it, i couldn't move bowels anymore. So, I take it daily without fail. I move bowels 2x a day. Around 7:00 a.m. and around 9:00 a.m. And these are intense and abrupt ones- effects of the tea i take.

This entry is a bit of an "EWWWW....!" but bear with me, if you can.

October 30, 5:30a.m. I left the house to spend my holiday at Malapascua Island. Take note, I haven't moved bowels yet. I picked my honey up and we head to Colonade Supermarket to meet my friends we were going with. 7:00a.m. inside Colonade Supermarket, I was feeling the intense pain of my stomach. It's a signal for me to do my scheduled routine. I went to the comfort room and sought for toilet papers. None around. I went back to the Supermarket and decided not to move bowels anymore. I still could control.

7:30 a.m. we had our butts on the plastic chairs of the airconditioned bus, heavily loaded with passengers heading towards North of Cebu. We're seated at the center portion of the said bus since we had no choice. Van Hilseng movie started to play and I was enjoying . I think all 4 of us were.

Around 10:00a.m. Bus stop at Carmen Cebu. I took my chance of sitting on the soft bus chair while others left to grab something to eat. Suddenly, I felt my stomach aching again. This time, the driver just went up, so I took my center seat instead of rushing to the nearest comfort room. I managed to control giving birth to my shit and enjoyed watching the movie again. I was hoping for another bus stop but none happened in more than an hour of hoping.

Then again, my shit struck and I was so terrified. It kept striking and striking and it became more intense. It bumped me in just a matter of seconds and I felt so out of control. I tried hard to control it but my shit was at its most furious, curious and strongest state to see the outside world. Lord, help me. There were like a hundred people inside the bus and I knew it was a whole lot of shame smelling overly weird. I was thinking that my friends and honey would disown me if i deliver the shirt right there. I was thinking how shameful that would be. I thought of ways, maybe I could ask the driver to stop awhile or maybe I could just stay hoping that the next stop would be nearer. I was feeling hot and shivering. Oh! If only I was somewhere, I would happily let it out. I laid my head on my honey's shoulder and hoped the feeling would cease to disturb me so badly. Nothing happened. My shit... I feel its strength to come out without listening to me! My goodness! I pushed my ass harder to the chair and bite my lips the hardest I could. "Oh God! help me!... pls... pls...." This was my cry.

Slowly, the attack gets calmer. And I breathed a bit. Then, it struck again. Wow! Really not listening to me, ha? I was getting so dismayed. Thought again of asking the driver to stop for a while to let me do my thing. But I didn't. It's a shame to the rest of the passengers. I tried to think of other stuffs which could divert my feelings and attention... perhaps, this could lessen the attack. But NO. It didn't. It's so hard-headed and so persistent.

Thank goodness we reached the terminal! The first thing I did was rushed to the comfort room. I was really running when someone asked me for a pay. My goodness! I was hurrying so badly and yet I was ceased to pay! immediately took my purse and paid and rushed to the comfort room and sought for a vacant room and did my thing.

Wow! sarap ng feeeling! Phew!

Holy Shit! That could have been my most embarassing experience.

My regret? Not taking the good chance I had while I was inside Colonade Supermarket and while I sit comfortably inside the bus on a Bus Stop when those were good chances for me to do my thing.

Ever had this experience?

Shameful Us

Last night, around 7:30, as I tried picking my things up to leave the office, I was tempted to answer a logical game over the net and I was so challenged that I decided not to leave until I get the logic.  My officemates, having known the secret of the game ahead of me, were teasing me.  We were like shouting already for the fun of the guessing game.  When the secret was finally discovered, we jumped into another logical game and this time, our voice became louder.  We keep laughing and our voices were so loud.  We were having fun.

Surprise. Surprise. 

Unknowingly, our boss who had been listening all the while, was already annoyed.  "Will you please lower down your voices when you are discussing about something? Others can't concentrate."

We have been so oblivious of our boss' presence.  We never really cared that there were still people around us, trying to concentrate to get their job done.  And we regretted forgetting this. 

Last night was just one of those instances when I revealed the child inside of me.

Sore ha ikemasen ne?  Sumimasen. 

Celebrating 29 Years

Oct 23. It's Ma and Pa's Wedding Anniversary. It's been 29 years since they vowed to be with each other through good and good times. (^_^)

What's keeping them together is love plus a whole lot more. I know they have been spending a lot of patience to keep this bind and reach this far. It's been tough as I try to look back and recall the years that their marriage has to offer. Oh well, not their marriage but they themselves.

Always, always, marriage is not as simple as teeners thought. It's not always fun and enjoying. As has been said, marriage is not a garden of roses, it is a garden of thorns. I mean, a combination of both. Or ... it is indeed a garden of roses, for roses by nature, have thorns.

Marriage life has been a tough experience for my parents who decided to marry at very young ages. They were 21 back then and my papa had no regular job and mama too. Sweat was their tool to make living.

Fights. Fights. Fights. One of them had mastered the art of putting the other's patience to real stress-testing while the other had been hoarding patience, so that their fights never end up to breaking up. Yokunai ne. Warukatta hito ha dare ka shitte iru no? Hmnnn...Sore ha himitsu desu.

Now, both of them are mature and the fights are all left behind as shadows of the past.

But the journey was never easy. They had the normal fights and the abnormal ones. No one said it's easy, anyway. Ii ka dou ka dare mo iwanai. Demo wakamono ha yosasou to omotte iru desu yo.

It's been 29 years since and the knot that binds them is getting tightier. It's not just love that holds them together, it is commitment. The feeling will be gone if you just let it. Love resides in the heart, commitment, in the mind. It is the mind that decides and it could choose to follow or not to follow the heart. Watashi no itte iru koto ga wakaru no?

I have learned a lot from my parents, both the good and the bad. And I decide which lessons to keep and which to throw.

For the 29 long years of my parents being together and for the years yet to come, oiwai o shimashou. kanpai!

The Table Cloth

i'm changing my fave font to verdana size 8. =) weird me!

weekend's over just like the blinking of an eye.  when i try to go over how i spent my saturday and sunday, i get so upset that i did not enjoy sleeping and sleeping as i planned.

saturday is supposed to be a business meeting day.  my schedule got ruined by a dishonest gal and i just got to straighten things up, so i did.  instead of me attending a business meeting, i was attending a heart-to-heart talk with my couzin and her mom.  it turned out fine. then tutorial classes in the afternoon till 7pm. and finally, badminton, 7:30-9pm.  and that's extremely taihen datta. ashi ga itakunatta.  badminton ha karada ni ii node, badminton wo shinakereba naranai desu.

sunday.  eating session at my boss' residence-baptism of his one-month old baby boy. i was wearing a red dress, the one i wore when i graduated college. the sun was so cruel and yes, i was complaining...(like there was something i could do). when we reached the party place, i was so shocked! naze ka na?  my goodness! the tablecloth was exactly the same shade of red i was wearing.  i remember during my boss'(the same boss) wedding, i was wearing a baby pink dress and the tablecloth then?  ask me not!  twas baby pink also.  for the second time around, i felt like i am an extension of the table cloth!  hahaha... i was not embarassed though. 

voice lesson came after, then church, then the never-ending tutorial session! 

oh! i should mention this:  I met and chatted with denz and mic there at the party place.  i'm glad mic was there, else, i may end up chatting with the boys for there were very few girls around and i know only two of them. 

i slept last night like i never cared. watashi ha tsukaretta ka dou ka shitte iru no? tsukaretta yo. joudan ja nai!

and now, seems like, i haven't spent my weekend at all.  back to work. back to the usual marathon. 

indeed life is so short.  that's exactly the same as how the days come and go. that's why we have to enjoy each moment that comes... not those which had passed nor those which are yet to come.

Boat Is Sinking

Every Filipino is aware of the situation that the Philippines is facing.  Whether we like it or not, the Philippine situation is like a sinking ship and to save one's self means to get a good grip of what is at hand. 

I'm really sick of the Philippine situation-economic, political, whatsoever... everything is getting worse.  I wish there is a way for me to shout and be heard.  But there is none.  People are so oblivious and unmindful despite of my loud screaming call.  People are so busy rescuing their own selves, for, surely, this is the best that there is to do-rescuing our own selves and take for granted all those which can't be of help. 

We're running out of time, and if we dare stay, we know, we will sink with the rest.  How come we never realized that long before this very moment?  Actually, we do, just that, we didn't seem to have any option but to stay and make the best out of what is here. 

There are things that bother me, things I'm worried about.  When I get married and have a child of my own, I don't want him to see how poor and polluted the Philippines is.  When I grow old, I don't wanna be a liability to my children.  I don't wanna suffer earning a single peso that hard for a living, only to find out that I can never have what I wanted from my hard-earned money.  I can only satisfy, utmost, my needs.  I want to go some place where there is no borderline between having a want and having a need, for acquiring wants is simply easy and possible, unlike here in the Philippines, when you got to spend a month's pay for a single mobile phone and it  causes a pain in the ass letting go of the hard-earned thousand because there are more important things to have other than a mobile phone.

Guess not every Filipino is aware that there is a world far better than this.  And for us, who know, we gotta climb higher and get a good grip of whatever is at hand for there is no telling when the ship sinks.  But it is, soon. 

Feeling Empty

I don't understand why I'm feeling so empty.  I feel so down and that I am a failure! 

I wish I could just shut myself down much like a computer.  Apparently, I have to be reformatted and I need a fresh OS installation; perhaps, a free OS will do or a commercial one, just as long as it is proven to be stable.  Then, useful applications would be installed and I would have a fresh registry and yes, completely new settings and thus, a brand new start.  So, I would forget all the old files I used to keep and the viruses I used to fight against till I became tired and just can't help but reboot over and over again.  Taihen desu yo.

Or...perhaps, I could remain a raw disk and motherboard, that is, no OS installed at all.  And I would remain completely unusable, for in reality, I am much like that- a useless creature!

Damn...why am I feeling this way? 

 

I seek not to be understood though.  I'm sure this is going to pass and fade away. And I'm sure, once in a while, you feel the same way too. After all, this state is just normal.  And I demand no explanation nor any words of wisdom. 

Surprise: It's Back

Some things just can't be stopped from changing especially those that you always want to stay the way they are.

Somewhere, I wrote that my migraine left me the time i stayed in Japan. This week, i've been suspecting that it's back. And yes, now, it sure is back. I could see zigzag lines of lights again and my head is heavy for 4 days now, aching so badly, no matter how well i slept the previous nights. Headache reliever won't do, even my vitamins and a whole lot of water. Useless.

I hate to feel this way. But I know, migraine is back. It misses me so badly and there's nothing I could do to ignore its presence. It keeps asking for my attention and even begging me to give it my full attention and ignore everything else around me; like nothing and no one else exists but the two of us. Goodness! How could that be?

Some things just love you when you don't love them. Some things just leave you when you need them so badly.

I only hope I could go back to Japan... throw migraine there, embrace good health and hope migraine won't find its way to me again... Haha...Now that's a joke.

How I am Today

been quite a while since i last blogged.


i'm dragging myself to finish the day coz i'm overly sleepy and i wanted to retire in my bed. when i woke up this morning, i thought i have slept well, but guess what? i am wrong! coz my eyes just keep closing now and my head is continuously aching, begging for a nap or most likely, a complete sleep. i tried drinking coffee, biogesic and eat piatos and yet still can't find myself awake. .


oh! i am so looking forward to 6:07 pm, when it's time for me to grab my bag, turn my PC off then leave the office. i'm just so sick of work now. i'm not feeling so well- my head's overly heavy now, and my eyes, yeah, they keep closing and i feel like i'm choking even if i don't swallow a thing at all. hen ne.


chotto onegai ga arun desu.
nan desu ka?
jitsu ha kimochi ga warui node, sugu kaette mo ii desu ka?


surprise... surprise... of course, i won't leave the office any soon. i'll have to wait for an hour or so. i sure will.


for now, let me write this:
nani mo shinakute, nani mo iwanakute, watashi ni ha hana ni tsuite kita....
yokunai ne....(^_^)
demo sore ha joudan desu yo. ki ga tsuita no?

Not Because

i love you not because...
you feel the same but because you made me into someone i wasn't before.

i miss you not because...
you are not here but because my life is empty without you.

i need you not because...
i'm alone but because things are best when you're with me.