Surprise: It's Back

Some things just can't be stopped from changing especially those that you always want to stay the way they are.

Somewhere, I wrote that my migraine left me the time i stayed in Japan. This week, i've been suspecting that it's back. And yes, now, it sure is back. I could see zigzag lines of lights again and my head is heavy for 4 days now, aching so badly, no matter how well i slept the previous nights. Headache reliever won't do, even my vitamins and a whole lot of water. Useless.

I hate to feel this way. But I know, migraine is back. It misses me so badly and there's nothing I could do to ignore its presence. It keeps asking for my attention and even begging me to give it my full attention and ignore everything else around me; like nothing and no one else exists but the two of us. Goodness! How could that be?

Some things just love you when you don't love them. Some things just leave you when you need them so badly.

I only hope I could go back to Japan... throw migraine there, embrace good health and hope migraine won't find its way to me again... Haha...Now that's a joke.

How I am Today

been quite a while since i last blogged.


i'm dragging myself to finish the day coz i'm overly sleepy and i wanted to retire in my bed. when i woke up this morning, i thought i have slept well, but guess what? i am wrong! coz my eyes just keep closing now and my head is continuously aching, begging for a nap or most likely, a complete sleep. i tried drinking coffee, biogesic and eat piatos and yet still can't find myself awake. .


oh! i am so looking forward to 6:07 pm, when it's time for me to grab my bag, turn my PC off then leave the office. i'm just so sick of work now. i'm not feeling so well- my head's overly heavy now, and my eyes, yeah, they keep closing and i feel like i'm choking even if i don't swallow a thing at all. hen ne.


chotto onegai ga arun desu.
nan desu ka?
jitsu ha kimochi ga warui node, sugu kaette mo ii desu ka?


surprise... surprise... of course, i won't leave the office any soon. i'll have to wait for an hour or so. i sure will.


for now, let me write this:
nani mo shinakute, nani mo iwanakute, watashi ni ha hana ni tsuite kita....
yokunai ne....(^_^)
demo sore ha joudan desu yo. ki ga tsuita no?

Not Because

i love you not because...
you feel the same but because you made me into someone i wasn't before.

i miss you not because...
you are not here but because my life is empty without you.

i need you not because...
i'm alone but because things are best when you're with me.

Works I Did Before

December Christmas Break.
The first employment I had was with SM Department Store. I was in my first year College then and I worked as a Sales Clerk at the Men's Shoes Department. I hated so much painting my face and lips but I had to, so I would look a little pleasant, especially to customers. I didn't like standing long hours with high-heeled sandals but I survived. At the end of each day, I would retire in bed with my legs aching. But that was something I'd like to remember for the rest of my life.

Summer Vacation.
Then, another employment at SM Supermarket as a Lady Bagger. I was supposed to be a cashier but my fear of making mistakes with money prompted me to settle being a Lady Bagger. I had to wear formal black pants and white shirt with colors on my face, as usual. I used to hit my own feet with the shopping cart's wheels and I got wounded by them almost everytime I went on arranging the carts. Unforgettable experience is during Auction for employees, wherein we got Supermarket items at the lowest possible prices, up to 80% off.

School Days.
And oh, how could I forget, being a Labandera (one who washes someone else's clothes) when I was in Fourth year College. I think , I did mention that mother did not entertain the idea of having me rent a bedspace near the university for financial reasons. When I reached my fourth year in College, I had to live with someone who had a PC, because I had to make computer programs almost everyday and I had no PC and no internet cafe's around our humble abode. I decided to live with my bestfriend in a pad so I could use her PC once she's done with her stuff. And because, the family's budget for me was low, I had to make money to cover up whatever amount was missing. I was paid P300/month for doing a boardmate's laundry and ironing them at the same time.

At the end of each payroll period, when I was working with SM, I used to bring a bag of grocery items needed at home and save a little amount for my so-called future. That's why my parents never had to give me a penny when I left for Japan.

Fun Over The Weekend

Did two exciting stuffs over the weekend- badminton and voice lesson. 

Badminton.  Our company held its first badminton tournament last Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005.  Four teams were organized to play mixed doubles (i.e. male & female in a team).  Teams were named as yellow, blue, white and red.  I played with Paul for the red team substituting an officemate who happened to have sinusitis the day before the tournament.  No fancy news really... just that we won over 3 more teams in a double elimination round.

Voice Lesson.  Sunday, I went to SM Mall to attend to my first voice lesson under Yamaha.  My coach's great.  We had breathing exercises, vocalizations, and of course, introductory singing.  It's fun and exciting.  I hope I would be a better singer after 12 sessions. 

Weekend's over.  Still, I wasn't able to study kanji when I knew I really have to.  Again, because my heart's not in it.

Back Then: Childhood Dreams

When I was a kid, I dreamt of
(Imagine the kind of life I had. My father is a carpenter. My mother is a housewife. There are 4 kids.)
(1) becoming a teacher. This is because the first profession I was exposed to was teaching.
(2) having a house that's made of stone and not of wood
(3) eating colorful and oishii foods. We used to have dried fish and veggies for meals.
(4) having enough money (We always ran out of this)
(5) having fancy clothes.
(6) peaceful family. Remember my dad used to drink alcohol and he's not earning enough and he used to consume all his money to alcoholic drinks with friends.
(7) having a fridge
(8) having a car

Life is compose of so many phases. As a child, I dream. While I grow up, I started make them real. Then, I dream more and strive to reach more.

A wooden house can become a cemented one. War can become peace. Dried fishes can become pork and beef. Some come so easily, some take years. Dreams can become real if you know well that life is not merely about sleeping and dreaming. It is about reaching them.

As years passed by I have made almost all of my dreams a reality, except that I still don't have a car and I am not a teacher but an Engineer. It pays to really know how to wait. It pays to be patient, look forward and see past what lies ahead. It pays to just embrace each and every day that comes- both rainy and sunny.

What lies beyond this horizon is not an empty space... it is the product of the efforts you exerted each day.

Sleep...dream...wake-up and see your dreams becoming real. This is all a cycle.

What I wrote once, I'll write again... Never stop dreaming unless you are ready to wake up and make them real.

There is really no answer to the question as to why you are here, unless, you create it yourself.

Strongest Storm So Far

"Will you go to the doctor? I've been worrying about your health", Mama keeps telling Papa.

A few times we told Papa the same thing. He refused to.

It's been more than 15 years since he experienced throwing out bloody bowels. He just said, it's ulcer. He's been taking medicines for that and yet he continues to drink alcoholic drinks, making the medicines of no use at all. He drinks. He smokes. These are his vices... those he couldn't live without.

Till it became more than just bloody bowels. He never gets to eat well for about 3 months. He vomits. He hates the smell of foods cooked in the kitchen when he always loves to eat adobo and almost anything fried. He even argues with mom cooking in the kitchen. He demands that mom do the cooking outside.

Weird.

We all insisted that he undergo a medical examination, alarmed that it's more than just ulcer.

He refused.

"Why?" We're all wondering.
"Wouldn't you wanna know what is it that you are experiencing?"
"Don't you want to get cured?"

Silence.

Well, we can't force him to undergo the examination.

Then came the time when he couldn't anymore convince his own self that it's just ulcer. He collapsed at work. And his workmates insisted that he go to the hospital and undergo laboratory examinations. Noticing that he lost weight as so visible in his appearance, he went to the doctor, alone, without telling my mom.

The next thing we knew he's diagnosed with liver cancer. The worst news in my entire existence. I guess, more worst for my mom. The ailment is on its third stage. Hopeless case.

I knew my mom was the most hurt person among all of us. She loves dad so much.... more than her own life. She prepares my dad's coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, toothbrush/toothpaste, underwear, towel, shirts and everything that my dad needs. She's like dad's slave. And she rejoices doing all that. Of course, plus doing her own kids' needs. (Taihen da ne).

We knew no amount of encouragement could ease the pain mom is experiencing. It even appears like she's more hurt than dad.

The doctor privately talked to mom about dad's condition- what is expected of him, things to be done, foods to be taken, medicine, number of months he is expected to live and the like.

Mom returned to our private room like everything is under control.

Then, TACE (Trans-Arterial Chemoembolization ) Chemotherapy for dad as we have agreed.

Dad was taken from his private room to a laboratory where a Japanese interventional radiologist would infuse him a chemotherapy drug.

Before we knew it, he's back to his room with a positive look but with blood on his laboratory gown.

Mom, worrying so much, cried at the sight of dad. And then asked him, "How was it?"."Was it painful." "How are you feeling now?".

Dad just said, "Let me eat first, I am so hungry". He was deprived to eat 2 meals prior to the therapy and all he said he was feeling after the procedure was aching of his stomach due to hunger.

After having his meal, he narrated how so tensed he was prior to the infusion and how well the radiologist did his thing. He was allowed to see the procedure before he was sent to sleep during the entire process. And he's positive that he's getting better because, the dark spots in his liver were almost completely erased. Poor dad. He never really realized that even the good/needed cells inside his body were killed by the infusion.

Then we went back home.

Dad caught fever.

I called his doctor. The doctor told me about fever being an ordinary side effect of the chemotherapy but if he vomits.... it is a dangerous case. I went straight to asking the doctor if dad is going to live longer.

"3-6 months". This was the reply I got. It felt like the whole world is upon my shoulder. I thought my dad's gonna recover from it but I was wrong.

"But I am not a god... I could not really tell. What I'm saying is based on experience and researches."

I immediately packed my things and left the office... secretly told my sisters about what I just learned. We're swearing to each other not to tell anyone... not even mom.

Later, we realized we had to tell mom. So we did. And as expected, my mom already knew it the day the doctor talked to her. Tears flooded again without my dad's knowledge.

We agreed not to tell dad. It will only make things worse. And he will only be discouraged. We tried hard to give him a positive atmosphere. We dined together. All of us, their children, went home the earliest possible time so we could dine together, watch tv and pray.

New foods for dad and the whole family. All veggies and almost zero meat and preservatives.

New routine for all of us- from waking up early in the morning, preparing his special foods and medicines, eating together green leaves and untasty soup, wheat bread, fresh milk, carrots... and yeah, all these stuffs, and returning home early without rendering overtime work when I normally do.

Several nights I cried... sleepless nights, in fact. Several incidents I caught mama in the CR crying. I knew all of us are hurting and worst, we had to hide the pain we're feeling. We were seemingly okay, but deep down each of our inner selves, we're all wounded.

Tried another doctor. Everyone hoping and clinging hardly to that hope.

I found myself crying in the middle of the task I make. I became less effective... too sickly to look at but pushing still.

Then came another series of lab examinations for another chemo session. Alas! The cancer was gone. Like magic? yes, like magic.

No one could explain why. Even the doctors were shocked.

But for us, there was no wondering why that happened. We embraced the good news. No questions asked, just gratefulness to all those who helped and prayed for my father.

Chemo. Medicines. Positive Atmosphere. Good food. Good sleep. No alcohol. No cigarette. Prayers. A combination of these works.

Dad gets back to work. All of us get back to our usual routine with all our senses back to its normal state. Sane again. All of us.

The strongest storm came into the very fascade of our lives. And we're glad it's over. Like a nightmare.

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This is a true story, in case you're wondering. By the way, Papa had a Chinese doctor who gave him Chinese herbal medicines to help his good cells fight against the strong effects of chemotherapy. He had vitamins for his spleen, liver, and almost all his internal organs. I guess he's (the doctor) of great help. Almost all my dad's foods (including the whole family's) are half-cooked, if not raw. Never really tasty. I would like to thank my friends who have helped me maintain my level of sanity and who have prayed for my father's recovery. All glory to God. Difficulties are God's errands. When we are sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence.

Oblivious Dad

I know it happened to you. A few times, maybe.... as it happened to me.

My dad and I were arguing about something. I could not really recall what exactly it was all about. All I know was that my dad refused to listen to me, telling me that I am unfair, selfish and all that. Then I tried hard to go explain my side, but he refused to listen, he shouted in order not to hear my voice and no matter how hard I shouted too to explain myself, I was just not audible. I did go on explaining anyway. But it was all useless. No one listened to me. No one could even hear me, in the first place. And all that's left for me to do was to cry. I pity myself for that.

Until my dad had finished his murmuring about me.

And I ceased crying. Not because the hurt subsided but because my tears ran out of stock.

There was bitterness inside of me. A perfect taste of it.

It's like lightning striking me... and I didn't have the least effort to defend myself. My back ached and so did whole body.

You know the feeling? when you've been wanting to shout but none would come out? when you want to explain but you don't know where to start? when you know you are right and yet, it seemed to them that you are wrong(est)? and what they are thinking just can't be erased because, you are given no chance to explain? because they think that they are right for they are older in age?

Why wouldn't dad listen to me? Why wouldn't he allow me to explain my side?

He should have, at least, spent a minute or two to listen to what I had to say. It would be fair that way. But to scold me with words without even giving me the chance to speak my mind is so so unfair. And it turned out that I was wrong. Although, I believe deep down inside that I have the most positive motive there is.

It saddened me. It pained my heart. It's like I was stabbed at all sides. And there was nothing left for me to do but, again, cry.

Why this thing?

I know, sometimes, people will never be able to understand you unless you speak your mind. But how else can I be understood if I couldn't even hear my own voice because there was no room for me to speak?

I went to my room and cried the hardest way I could. Alas! The tears were back again.... rolling down my cheeks... gracefully as they always do.

There were a lot of questions in my head. There were so much words to say. Not a single ear to listen.

Really, when it's your loved one who hurts you, the cut is much deeper. You do not expect them to hurt you badly, that's why.
Imagine an enemy refusing to listen to you and your father refusing to listen to you. Either way, it hurts. Sure, it does. But the gravity of the hurt differs. So what if the enemy never listens? We don't really care (that much). But if the father never listens... it's a pain. Have you ever realized that?

I cried even harder when I returned to the real world.

I was just dreaming. But I make sense, right? I sure do.

And my tears? They are real... up to the moment when I had all of my senses back and activated. It seemed like everything was real... like everything really did happen.

Kanji vs. Love

Alas, Friday is a non-working day, making my weekend longer than usual. Hoorah! time to stay longer in bed and hug my pillows and blanket. Really love spending longer holidays. Well, I guess, everyone wants holidays except, maybe, those who wanted to stay away from home for reasons that may involve family matters (or maybe high financial needs). I guess only those who wanted to escape from problems or people at home wanted to stay longer hours at work... although some others reasoned out that they love work than family (or home for that matter). Is that so? Well, it's not my case. I belong to the majority, I guess and I really look forward for holidays aside from the usual Sunday. I do not want a very long holiday though....because, it makes me even fatter and it makes me sick staying at home, doing, literally nothing but fix my room and start/shutdown my PC. But a sanrenkyuu (3-day holiday) is fine enough.

So, here goes my plans for the 3-day weekend:
(1) Play badminton - Friday
(2) Study Kanji - for the rest of the holidays

Like the sweeping of the wind, the 3-day holiday is over and what went done is only my task in (1). Really, it is true - when you love doing a thing, there's no pushing yourself into doing it... but when, you don't love doing such at all... like me studying Kanji... it's like I really have to push myself really hard just to force myself to do it. And as usual, I was not able to do it.

It's not really that I do not love Nihongo. I love it. In fact, I love communicating using the language. BUT... I hate kanjis (chinese characters). Maybe because I hate strokes. Damnn.... I don't really know why.

I wish I could find a way to make learning kanji exciting and fun. There I go again.... wanting and wishing everything to be fun and exciting... like dancing hip hop or playing badminton or climbing a mountain. Oh! and these are even harder than learning kanji, other people say. But hey, I'm just not fond of strokes. And I planned not to push myself hard to love it. It's not my passion and I can't force myself to like it.

It's like loving. You can't push yourself to love someone. You can only learn to love somone you are interested with. And i'm not interested at learning kanjis. No matter how I try. Kanjis are like persons.... they can't force people to love them, they can only be some things which can be loved and the rest is up to me to realize their worth. And unfortunately, I refuse to realize the kanji's worth. The saddest thing for them-kanji characters! Lol...

I wonder if I will regret this in the end..... i mean, like the feeling of realizing someone's worth when he/she is gone. LOL again! (Louder this time...)

Seems like I really don't know what I'm writing...

But you get me, right?

Truths About Life

(1) When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events- to teach you to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.

(2) You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

(3) The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life, there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

(4) It is better to lose your pride for the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

(5) We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

(6) When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

(7) Disappointments are like road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!

(8) When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better.

(9) No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

(10) God didn't promise days without pain, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

(^_^) wish to leave the office sooner. it's kinda late. as in LATE.

Death and Dreams

It's been a while since I last posted an entry here. It's not that I am busy.. just that I feel I've got nothing nice to write. But I miss blogging. So here I am. This one's not gonna be nice but go and read anyway.

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I have read about death and that people came to think of it once they are aged already. Nah! I have thought about it. You think I am of age already? I don't wanna think so. But yes, I have thought about it. Last Monday dawn, I was thinking of the possibility that I leave this world. I never recalled if I was saddened but I realized I should be doing things like it's my last- laugh, talk, eat, share... just enjoy moments and be good while enjoying. I wonder how people would recall the way I am- plus? or minus? I wannna be remembered nicely. I think all of us want it that way. The plain question is "HOW?". Well, I really don't know. We need to please people to be remembered nicely. I believe I just have to please my parents and all those around me. I could not please everyone though. But, at least, I tried to please them while pleasing myself too, that is, while doing what I want.

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Then came to me... This world would be a better place if we strive hard not to be the cause of someone else's headache especially those who love us. This world is a mess because, first and foremost, kids become their parent's problem and husbands or wives become their partner's problem. If we strive not to be the cause of someone else's misery, then there would be a better family atmosphere... better environment... and then, a better world. But first, let us not be the cause of our very own problem. The things we do or do not do contribute so much to the things that messed up our lives. How we live our lives should be patterned to the way we wanted life to be. No one's gonna have a good life if he doesn't live a good one himself. No one's gonna be successful, if he doesn't strive to be one himself. What became of us is the result of what we do especially those we keep doing. Yes, success is a lot easier for a few, and a lot harder for some, yet, however hard or easy it is, if we don't paddle our way towards being successful, success won't be at hand. And life might remain a mess. Then we realize that it isn't the kind of life we wanted. But that is the kind of life we've been living.

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Go towards north, if you wanna reach north. Go the other way, and you'll never reach north but south. That is, the same with dreams, you have to walk each day towards your planned destination and never make a step back. If you will, you are getting even farther. But first, ask yourself, which direction you really wanna go. If you still don't know, pause and reflect. Don't go where everyone else is going. Because, by the time you realize you are on the wrong road, it will be too late for you to go back. You will be too old then and destination will become even farther... perhaps, out of reach.

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So, before you go on a journey, create a business plan. Should unexpected bills come up, countercheck your business plan, surely, there is a strategy for you to follow written in there to reach you business objective.

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Life is like that. A good life is something that must be planned, designed and must be implemented.

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If you're not ready to make your dreams a reality, go on sleeping.

It Is Madness

It is madness...

To hate all roses
because you got scratched with one thorn...

To give up on your dreams
because one didn't come true...

To lose faith in prayers
Because one was not answered...

To give up on your efforts
Because one of them failed...

To condemn all your friends
Because one betrayed you...

Not to believe in love
Because someone was unfaithful or didn'ft love you back...

To throw away all your chances to be happy

Because you did not succeed on the first attempt....

I hope that as you go on your way

You don't give in to madness

Remembering always ...

Another chance may come up

Another friend

A new love

A renewed strength

Be persistent

Look for happiness in every day.

The sure path to failure is to give up! It is often through failure that future success comes. Keep trying!

Got this cute stuff from a friend. I don't really know who to acknowledge. Whoever, writes this, thank you.

Same Ground

Same Ground

Kitchie Nadal

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love was beyond
What human can imagine
More it clears
The more i gotta let you go

'cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love
Is a word just thrown
A litlle bit too much of this
Excuse to fill this infinite of desire
And never ever have to fade

Cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fails
Would you be brave to see right through me?

Grabe! This is one of the songs I love deeply. Super cool is the voice of Kitchie. I wish I could sing the song well enough.... a bit closer to how she does.

Goodbye

Goodbye

For every hello, there lurks goodbye. For everything in this world passes by.

Life is goes on and on no matter what. Everyday that comes, passes. It's true to every situation, things and places. Some seem to last for a lifetime. But not really. They do have to go sooner or later. That is the nature of life. Nothing remains. Nothing stays the same. For if nothing changes, life is boring. Change makes life more interesting. Without it, life is monotonous and everything is familiar. Everything is seen the way they always are. Indeed, it's gonna be boring. Imagine that.

But there are some things in life, we wish would stay that way forever. There are some things we never want to see changing. But they do. And we don't always know how soon or later they change. Just that they do change, some, slowly, some, quickly...before we even realize that they were once there.

Life is full of wonders and surprises. Goodbyes. Hellos. These are a few of them. Some things come. Some things go. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes living easier. Sometimes, we never really know if it hurts or not, till things or people go and bade ur goodbye.

A goodbye often hurts and often relieves. It hurts maybe because there may be still some words left unsaid. How painful a goodbye is determines how many words are there left unspoken or deeds left undone.

But a goodbye is necessary before we get the chance of meeting again. So, don't be dismayed with goodbyes.

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Goodbye Shiera. I'm hoping for a positive outcome of your newly-chosen adventure. When you have the chance to climb higher, go! Life is more beautiful when you're at it's peak. Because it is only there, where you can have a sight of the whole view. Ganbatte kudasai. Mata aimashou.

Top 15 Modern Sayings

1. Practice makes perfect.....But nobody's perfect......so why practice?

2. Save water. Shower with your girl friend.
3. The wise never marry.. and when they marry they become otherwise.

4. I was born intelligent,education ruined me.
5. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.... what more can I say?

6. If it's true that we are here to help others, then, what exactly are the others here for?

7. Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.

8. One should love animals. They are so tasty.
9. Love thy neighbor. But don't get caught.

10. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop

11. Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

12. "Your future depends on your dreams" So go to sleep

13. "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!

14. The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget The more you forget, the less you know So.. why learn?
15. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

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acknowledgment:

the content of this entry is from a forwarded email. the blog owner does not claim ownership of this one. cheers to partner roc for sharin' this one to me!

For A Special Friend

Cute note with a cute pic.

I just thought of showing this one for I think this is nice. The message, if not readable says: "I never knew what wonders a friend can do... Yes, surely they can change things around you into smiles, Sunshines and happiness. Just the way you keep on doing, always."

Dear Betsy

Dear Betsy,

I would like to tell you how much I need you. I have purposely held off writing to you and in doing so, I had turned over and over in my mind, all these past few days, why I am here and you are there- so far and so beyond my reach. It had always been that way, and I have always known it, better perhaps than you ever will. My perception of the world is different from yours; it is not just a matter of age, or of different geographies. It is just that you are up there and I am down here.

I do not want to say good-bye again, or to repeat what I have said, that in these two years, you have become a part of my life, and I feel for you what I feel for myself, these tissues, this skin. I have grown so familiar with you, the contour of your body, the smell of your breath, the soft warm crevices of your mouth, and the whole wonder of you. I know now how difficult it is to be alone, to be here in this senseless confine not only of my own being but of this wretched city, and to know that you are not here where I can glory not just in your nearness but in the thought that you did love me.

And at night, I lie awake, and I speak your name as if it were some incantation that would dispel this loneliness for now, I am really alone. I whisper to these cold, rusting walls, to the damp cement floor, to the emptiness around me, Betsy, Betsy�c but I can only hear the echo within me and so I wonder how you are, if you are happy as I hope you will be, and I pray that you be not tormented as I am, that your nights are slept and your days are bright, and if you remember, may they be those times that we shared, the coffee shop, the tawdry rooms and the sheet that was stained with red, the books that had to be read, and Tondo where I had tasted your sweat; yes, so many of these now crowd my mind, and they are all crystal clear, pictures, events, places- all of them important only because we knew them, lived them, and they have become us.

I did not want to write this letter, but it is one way by which I can escape this bleakness which now encompasses me. Now, too, I know how it is to be what I am and to remember what you are, life giver, my joy and my sorrow.

You will forget, not because you are young, but because you are far away, and having forgotten, it will all be over and you may, on some occasion, remember, perhaps, because this is the way things are and we can not change them. I don�ft know if I will forget; one can never be sure, but I know that you are now my wife, not because God or a priest has sanctified our union but because this is how I regard you. Though I may sleep with other women, I know there will always be you- separate from the rest, not just because I feel that you have given me yourself, or your faith and trust, all of which I do not deserve, but because I have given myself to you as I will never give myself to anyone.

I will be leaving Tondo now and I wish I knew my final destination- but I do not; the compulsions that we have talked about will take me to regions I will not recognize, but wherever they may be, there will be a light to guide me, a talisman which will make me endure and you are all of these.

But above all, you are the proof I will always hold precious and true. Thank you, dear Betsy, for being with us in thought and deed. There are a few like you, comfortable and secure, who have chosen to be with us; I will doubt them in a way I once doubted you and they must bear the burden of proving themselves as you have done. Only time will tell and time, alas, is fickle in a way I will never be, now that I know who I am, now that I know what to do.

So let me go away loving you, and losing you, for, in the end, we will lose all those we love.

Signed: JS

Taken from "Mass" by F. Sionil Jose, pp251-252. It hurts me reading this letter. Jose had always insisted that oil and water could never be one. You also think so?

Injustice

"How do I get out of here?" I asked.

"If you are poor- you cannot get out. There are no rich people in jail. They can afford bail, the best lawyers. They can even buy judges."

"I am poor." I said. "A self-supporting student. But I am innocent. I have not committed any crime. I swear to you... "

"Who is innocent and who is guilty?" He shook his head. "The poor are always guilty and the rich are always innocent."

.

Taken from "Mass" by F. Sionil Jose. Really is a striking novel. You had better read it too. (Yonda hou ga ii desu.)

Wants and Needs

Today, I would like to announce that I grab myself a want-an iPod. Yep, an iPod. It's quiet a thing to discuss here for it is a want and not a need. It's quiet hard releasing the cash. "Oh! Am I sure?" This was what came to my mind when I finally paid for this. It's not really a big deal for some, but it is, for me. I have never really tried pampering myself with wants. Needs must come first. This is how I was brought up. You see, I have never bought myself expensive stuffs for no big reasons at all. But this time, I give in. Because I love this stuff and I can't live without it! Darn... me kidding again. Of course, I could go on breathing without this one. Of course, life is life without this one. But I still got myself this techy thing coz I love music. And I want to have this as my companion on mornings, on my way to the office while walking and on evenings, while walking too. Of course, I can walk and reach or walk and leave the office without this! Why not? But... yes! but... it's a nice thing to listen to music while walking. I seem not alone anymore when I am. And it feels good not being alone, right? It feels good.

This is a gift I gave to myself. This is the most expensive techy thing I got myself so far. Surprising, maybe to others who find this one cheap.

The next thing to do now is to download my fave music.

Best Medicine

A wise physician said to me, " I have been practicing medicine for 30 years and I have prescribed many things, But in the long run I have learned that for most of what ails the human creature, the best medicine is LOVE."

"What if it doesn't work? I asked. "Double the dose" he replied.