weak and weary me

I am weak. This I admit.

Several times in my existence, I told myself I could not make it and then I wish there'll be no more tomorrow and the morning never comes. Ever thought of wanting that? ... that you sleep and you never wake up? ... that maybe, in the middle of the night, death comes grabbing you?

I always thought of that, whenever difficulties are sent upon me. Oh yeah, I knew, difficulties are God's errands and when we're sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence. But sometimes, this is not as convincing as it is. And this is NOT the very first thing that pops in my mind when I'm in trouble. Perhaps, because I prefer to see the darker side. Pessimistic me!

It is always easier to comfort a mourning friend but when i am the one in trouble, everything i may have said are shift-deleted in my mind. I get easily tired of hoping for the good things to come.

Last night, when I journeyed home, I had hoped the motorcycle I was riding would bump into something and I would die right there and then. But to my dismay, it didn't. When I laid myself to sleep, I wished I will never wake up. But I did and now, I'm here.

I just can't have everything I hoped for. And so, life goes on till death conquers my world.

Breath... Breath... life is at hand still. And yet, I wanted to return it now, thinking I have had enough of it. (Isn't it an insult to the Giver?)

Worry not... I shall wait patiently for my turn and won't head straight towards grabbing what my heart desires the most.

Offering, the Jap way

Japanese express their feelings and opinions with hesitation and so, in most cases, they speak up what they really want or think, the indirect way.

For example, they want to offer coffee. 
A.
Nihongo:  Kohii ha ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee?
B.
Nihongo:  Kohii demo ikaga desu ka?
English:  Would you like to have coffee...or anything?

Vocabulary Check:
Kohii - coffee
ha -  (pronounced as wa) a particle in English grammar
ikaga desu ka - an expression of offering something; means "would you like?"
demo - expresses hesitation

A is the direct way of offering coffee while B is the indirect way.  And Japanese are too good at using indirect statements to show hesitation.  And so, B is the most commonly used statement because A is rather too direct.

So, given a situation when someone is looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend and you would like to offer yourself, when you're in Japan, you can say, "Watashi demo ii desu ka?" (or "Watashi demo ikaga desu ka?") instead of saying, "Watashi ha ii desu ka?"(or "Watashi ha ikaga desu ka?").  The latter is rather too direct. 

Vocabulary Check:
Watashi - me, i
ii desu ka - is it alright?

In English, that means, "Is it alright to have me...? or someone else...?".  In reality, the speaker only wanted to say, "Is it alright to have me?" or "How about me?".  Note that demo is the key word here.  And without demo, the statement becomes direct.

Interesting, isn't it?

hurt: fair share

"Nobody has the right to do as he pleases except when he pleases to do right."

Sometimes, people believe that they are the only ones who possess a heart. They expect people to consider how they would feel without even considering others.

That's unfair.

Don't expect people to be careful with your heart when in the first place you aren't careful with theirs. Hurt belongs to anyone who does have a heart. And if you insist you have yours, then, don't forget I also insist, I have mine.

You reap what you sow. Always. Don't expect to reap gold from sowing a rotten seed. Never!

You don't earn respect without respecting others yourself. And so, do not seek to be considered if you are not being considerate yourself. How dare you expect others to consider about your feelings when you don't consider theirs?

How dare you believe you are unfairly hurt when you did not even take a graceful look about the hurt you've made.

Think again.

You are not the only creature who possesses a heart. In case you forgot.

Perfect Mom

Living was hard.  In the morning, mama used to wake us up to go and take a bath and then eat our breakfast so we could head for school.  No one left the house without eating whatever mama prepared for us.  I remember refusing to eat because I was so fed up with instant noodles and mama wouldn't let me up and get my bag.  I had to eat and finish what was for me.

Mama never allowed us to go to school with empty tummies.  Why?  because she never sent us to school with money in our pockets.  No money for food, only for icewater.  So we had to eat breakfast and bring our packed lunch, else, we had to stay.

After school hours, we were demanded to go home as soon as possible and do our assigned chores- fetch water from the well (river), wash dishes, cook dinner, pick the goats from the grassland and clean the house.  After dinner, we had to do our school assignments and then help her make barbecue sticks or weave baskets.  No one should sleep ahead.  Everyone must be helping if not studying and finish what was set for us.

On weekends and summer vacations, mama would bring us all to our farm wearing our jackets, long pants and hats, to protect us from insect bites and sun burns.  Each one of us were armed with bolos and grub hues.  We planted corn, mongo, okra, eggplants, string beans and peanuts.  And we harvested them ourselves and sometimes, with the help of a few neighbors when corn harvest was good.  We tilled 4 farms.  Two of which were around 1200 sq.m. and the other two were around 2000 sq. m.  We used to till the 2 smaller ones ourselves and hire a few persons to clean the bigger ones.  But we fertilized the corn plants ourselves on all 4 farms.  When it's time to wait for the harvest, we shifted to making firewoods and sold them.  We had to cut branches of the trees, cut each to make 15-inch sticks, dry it, group and tie each 15 sticks and carry it to some place where someone would trade each bunch of wood with Php0.50.  From what we earned, we usually bought kilo/s of corn( if we haven't harvested yet) and dried fish.

We walked to and fro school.  That was about 2 km away from home.  No budget for jeepney fare which was, I think, Php1.50 that time.  But we never complained.  We understood why it had to be that way.

Mama was simply a housewife (now, she serves the barangay).  But on top of her being a housewife (one who fixes the house, washes/irones clothes, cooks for us, and the like), she was a farmer and a businesswoman at heart.  She reaped fruits and vegetables from our farm and sold it in the market leaving the house at midnight and reaching the house at dawn, before all of us woke up, and thus, preparing our breakfast without us knowing that she had arrived. 

Mama is an intelligent, tough and hardworking woman.  She brought us up to live with only the simplest things in life and thus, there are a lot of things I could live without.  She taught us things in life especially those that money can't buy.  She shaped us into who we are now.  She made us see that what we do today will be the cause of what we become tomorrow.  She is a good leader.  She teaches us not to focus on what we do not have, instead, on what we have and do something to have what we do not have. 

My mama had a tough experience in rearing us because, financially, they were not ready.  And she didn't want to beg for help from my grandparents.  She got tired and I know there were lots of times when she wanted to give up but she never did.  She's a strong woman.  She stood by what she had decided and she always stood for what is right and pleasing. 

She tirelessly and endlessly envelopes us with love even if I know, at times, she's tired especially while fighting against the many trials surrounding us.

I just love my mama.  And don't ask me why, for me, she is the perfect mother there can be.  She has proven that by raising us the best way she could despite all odds.  And I think, what we have become is exactly how she wanted us to be.  What we have become is our gift to mama.  Whatever we do, we always consider what mama will feel-whether or not mama approves of it. 

Happy Birthday Ma!  You're the best!   

I fear I won't be as good as you when I become a mom myself someday. 

so embarassing!

Told you i have been taking bioslim herbal tea for bowel movements. initially took it for slimming purposes but when i tried to stop taking it, i couldn't move bowels anymore. So, I take it daily without fail. I move bowels 2x a day. Around 7:00 a.m. and around 9:00 a.m. And these are intense and abrupt ones- effects of the tea i take.

This entry is a bit of an "EWWWW....!" but bear with me, if you can.

October 30, 5:30a.m. I left the house to spend my holiday at Malapascua Island. Take note, I haven't moved bowels yet. I picked my honey up and we head to Colonade Supermarket to meet my friends we were going with. 7:00a.m. inside Colonade Supermarket, I was feeling the intense pain of my stomach. It's a signal for me to do my scheduled routine. I went to the comfort room and sought for toilet papers. None around. I went back to the Supermarket and decided not to move bowels anymore. I still could control.

7:30 a.m. we had our butts on the plastic chairs of the airconditioned bus, heavily loaded with passengers heading towards North of Cebu. We're seated at the center portion of the said bus since we had no choice. Van Hilseng movie started to play and I was enjoying . I think all 4 of us were.

Around 10:00a.m. Bus stop at Carmen Cebu. I took my chance of sitting on the soft bus chair while others left to grab something to eat. Suddenly, I felt my stomach aching again. This time, the driver just went up, so I took my center seat instead of rushing to the nearest comfort room. I managed to control giving birth to my shit and enjoyed watching the movie again. I was hoping for another bus stop but none happened in more than an hour of hoping.

Then again, my shit struck and I was so terrified. It kept striking and striking and it became more intense. It bumped me in just a matter of seconds and I felt so out of control. I tried hard to control it but my shit was at its most furious, curious and strongest state to see the outside world. Lord, help me. There were like a hundred people inside the bus and I knew it was a whole lot of shame smelling overly weird. I was thinking that my friends and honey would disown me if i deliver the shirt right there. I was thinking how shameful that would be. I thought of ways, maybe I could ask the driver to stop awhile or maybe I could just stay hoping that the next stop would be nearer. I was feeling hot and shivering. Oh! If only I was somewhere, I would happily let it out. I laid my head on my honey's shoulder and hoped the feeling would cease to disturb me so badly. Nothing happened. My shit... I feel its strength to come out without listening to me! My goodness! I pushed my ass harder to the chair and bite my lips the hardest I could. "Oh God! help me!... pls... pls...." This was my cry.

Slowly, the attack gets calmer. And I breathed a bit. Then, it struck again. Wow! Really not listening to me, ha? I was getting so dismayed. Thought again of asking the driver to stop for a while to let me do my thing. But I didn't. It's a shame to the rest of the passengers. I tried to think of other stuffs which could divert my feelings and attention... perhaps, this could lessen the attack. But NO. It didn't. It's so hard-headed and so persistent.

Thank goodness we reached the terminal! The first thing I did was rushed to the comfort room. I was really running when someone asked me for a pay. My goodness! I was hurrying so badly and yet I was ceased to pay! immediately took my purse and paid and rushed to the comfort room and sought for a vacant room and did my thing.

Wow! sarap ng feeeling! Phew!

Holy Shit! That could have been my most embarassing experience.

My regret? Not taking the good chance I had while I was inside Colonade Supermarket and while I sit comfortably inside the bus on a Bus Stop when those were good chances for me to do my thing.

Ever had this experience?

Shameful Us

Last night, around 7:30, as I tried picking my things up to leave the office, I was tempted to answer a logical game over the net and I was so challenged that I decided not to leave until I get the logic.  My officemates, having known the secret of the game ahead of me, were teasing me.  We were like shouting already for the fun of the guessing game.  When the secret was finally discovered, we jumped into another logical game and this time, our voice became louder.  We keep laughing and our voices were so loud.  We were having fun.

Surprise. Surprise. 

Unknowingly, our boss who had been listening all the while, was already annoyed.  "Will you please lower down your voices when you are discussing about something? Others can't concentrate."

We have been so oblivious of our boss' presence.  We never really cared that there were still people around us, trying to concentrate to get their job done.  And we regretted forgetting this. 

Last night was just one of those instances when I revealed the child inside of me.

Sore ha ikemasen ne?  Sumimasen. 

Celebrating 29 Years

Oct 23. It's Ma and Pa's Wedding Anniversary. It's been 29 years since they vowed to be with each other through good and good times. (^_^)

What's keeping them together is love plus a whole lot more. I know they have been spending a lot of patience to keep this bind and reach this far. It's been tough as I try to look back and recall the years that their marriage has to offer. Oh well, not their marriage but they themselves.

Always, always, marriage is not as simple as teeners thought. It's not always fun and enjoying. As has been said, marriage is not a garden of roses, it is a garden of thorns. I mean, a combination of both. Or ... it is indeed a garden of roses, for roses by nature, have thorns.

Marriage life has been a tough experience for my parents who decided to marry at very young ages. They were 21 back then and my papa had no regular job and mama too. Sweat was their tool to make living.

Fights. Fights. Fights. One of them had mastered the art of putting the other's patience to real stress-testing while the other had been hoarding patience, so that their fights never end up to breaking up. Yokunai ne. Warukatta hito ha dare ka shitte iru no? Hmnnn...Sore ha himitsu desu.

Now, both of them are mature and the fights are all left behind as shadows of the past.

But the journey was never easy. They had the normal fights and the abnormal ones. No one said it's easy, anyway. Ii ka dou ka dare mo iwanai. Demo wakamono ha yosasou to omotte iru desu yo.

It's been 29 years since and the knot that binds them is getting tightier. It's not just love that holds them together, it is commitment. The feeling will be gone if you just let it. Love resides in the heart, commitment, in the mind. It is the mind that decides and it could choose to follow or not to follow the heart. Watashi no itte iru koto ga wakaru no?

I have learned a lot from my parents, both the good and the bad. And I decide which lessons to keep and which to throw.

For the 29 long years of my parents being together and for the years yet to come, oiwai o shimashou. kanpai!

The Table Cloth

i'm changing my fave font to verdana size 8. =) weird me!

weekend's over just like the blinking of an eye.  when i try to go over how i spent my saturday and sunday, i get so upset that i did not enjoy sleeping and sleeping as i planned.

saturday is supposed to be a business meeting day.  my schedule got ruined by a dishonest gal and i just got to straighten things up, so i did.  instead of me attending a business meeting, i was attending a heart-to-heart talk with my couzin and her mom.  it turned out fine. then tutorial classes in the afternoon till 7pm. and finally, badminton, 7:30-9pm.  and that's extremely taihen datta. ashi ga itakunatta.  badminton ha karada ni ii node, badminton wo shinakereba naranai desu.

sunday.  eating session at my boss' residence-baptism of his one-month old baby boy. i was wearing a red dress, the one i wore when i graduated college. the sun was so cruel and yes, i was complaining...(like there was something i could do). when we reached the party place, i was so shocked! naze ka na?  my goodness! the tablecloth was exactly the same shade of red i was wearing.  i remember during my boss'(the same boss) wedding, i was wearing a baby pink dress and the tablecloth then?  ask me not!  twas baby pink also.  for the second time around, i felt like i am an extension of the table cloth!  hahaha... i was not embarassed though. 

voice lesson came after, then church, then the never-ending tutorial session! 

oh! i should mention this:  I met and chatted with denz and mic there at the party place.  i'm glad mic was there, else, i may end up chatting with the boys for there were very few girls around and i know only two of them. 

i slept last night like i never cared. watashi ha tsukaretta ka dou ka shitte iru no? tsukaretta yo. joudan ja nai!

and now, seems like, i haven't spent my weekend at all.  back to work. back to the usual marathon. 

indeed life is so short.  that's exactly the same as how the days come and go. that's why we have to enjoy each moment that comes... not those which had passed nor those which are yet to come.

Boat Is Sinking

Every Filipino is aware of the situation that the Philippines is facing.  Whether we like it or not, the Philippine situation is like a sinking ship and to save one's self means to get a good grip of what is at hand. 

I'm really sick of the Philippine situation-economic, political, whatsoever... everything is getting worse.  I wish there is a way for me to shout and be heard.  But there is none.  People are so oblivious and unmindful despite of my loud screaming call.  People are so busy rescuing their own selves, for, surely, this is the best that there is to do-rescuing our own selves and take for granted all those which can't be of help. 

We're running out of time, and if we dare stay, we know, we will sink with the rest.  How come we never realized that long before this very moment?  Actually, we do, just that, we didn't seem to have any option but to stay and make the best out of what is here. 

There are things that bother me, things I'm worried about.  When I get married and have a child of my own, I don't want him to see how poor and polluted the Philippines is.  When I grow old, I don't wanna be a liability to my children.  I don't wanna suffer earning a single peso that hard for a living, only to find out that I can never have what I wanted from my hard-earned money.  I can only satisfy, utmost, my needs.  I want to go some place where there is no borderline between having a want and having a need, for acquiring wants is simply easy and possible, unlike here in the Philippines, when you got to spend a month's pay for a single mobile phone and it  causes a pain in the ass letting go of the hard-earned thousand because there are more important things to have other than a mobile phone.

Guess not every Filipino is aware that there is a world far better than this.  And for us, who know, we gotta climb higher and get a good grip of whatever is at hand for there is no telling when the ship sinks.  But it is, soon. 

Feeling Empty

I don't understand why I'm feeling so empty.  I feel so down and that I am a failure! 

I wish I could just shut myself down much like a computer.  Apparently, I have to be reformatted and I need a fresh OS installation; perhaps, a free OS will do or a commercial one, just as long as it is proven to be stable.  Then, useful applications would be installed and I would have a fresh registry and yes, completely new settings and thus, a brand new start.  So, I would forget all the old files I used to keep and the viruses I used to fight against till I became tired and just can't help but reboot over and over again.  Taihen desu yo.

Or...perhaps, I could remain a raw disk and motherboard, that is, no OS installed at all.  And I would remain completely unusable, for in reality, I am much like that- a useless creature!

Damn...why am I feeling this way? 

 

I seek not to be understood though.  I'm sure this is going to pass and fade away. And I'm sure, once in a while, you feel the same way too. After all, this state is just normal.  And I demand no explanation nor any words of wisdom. 

Surprise: It's Back

Some things just can't be stopped from changing especially those that you always want to stay the way they are.

Somewhere, I wrote that my migraine left me the time i stayed in Japan. This week, i've been suspecting that it's back. And yes, now, it sure is back. I could see zigzag lines of lights again and my head is heavy for 4 days now, aching so badly, no matter how well i slept the previous nights. Headache reliever won't do, even my vitamins and a whole lot of water. Useless.

I hate to feel this way. But I know, migraine is back. It misses me so badly and there's nothing I could do to ignore its presence. It keeps asking for my attention and even begging me to give it my full attention and ignore everything else around me; like nothing and no one else exists but the two of us. Goodness! How could that be?

Some things just love you when you don't love them. Some things just leave you when you need them so badly.

I only hope I could go back to Japan... throw migraine there, embrace good health and hope migraine won't find its way to me again... Haha...Now that's a joke.

How I am Today

been quite a while since i last blogged.


i'm dragging myself to finish the day coz i'm overly sleepy and i wanted to retire in my bed. when i woke up this morning, i thought i have slept well, but guess what? i am wrong! coz my eyes just keep closing now and my head is continuously aching, begging for a nap or most likely, a complete sleep. i tried drinking coffee, biogesic and eat piatos and yet still can't find myself awake. .


oh! i am so looking forward to 6:07 pm, when it's time for me to grab my bag, turn my PC off then leave the office. i'm just so sick of work now. i'm not feeling so well- my head's overly heavy now, and my eyes, yeah, they keep closing and i feel like i'm choking even if i don't swallow a thing at all. hen ne.


chotto onegai ga arun desu.
nan desu ka?
jitsu ha kimochi ga warui node, sugu kaette mo ii desu ka?


surprise... surprise... of course, i won't leave the office any soon. i'll have to wait for an hour or so. i sure will.


for now, let me write this:
nani mo shinakute, nani mo iwanakute, watashi ni ha hana ni tsuite kita....
yokunai ne....(^_^)
demo sore ha joudan desu yo. ki ga tsuita no?

Not Because

i love you not because...
you feel the same but because you made me into someone i wasn't before.

i miss you not because...
you are not here but because my life is empty without you.

i need you not because...
i'm alone but because things are best when you're with me.

Works I Did Before

December Christmas Break.
The first employment I had was with SM Department Store. I was in my first year College then and I worked as a Sales Clerk at the Men's Shoes Department. I hated so much painting my face and lips but I had to, so I would look a little pleasant, especially to customers. I didn't like standing long hours with high-heeled sandals but I survived. At the end of each day, I would retire in bed with my legs aching. But that was something I'd like to remember for the rest of my life.

Summer Vacation.
Then, another employment at SM Supermarket as a Lady Bagger. I was supposed to be a cashier but my fear of making mistakes with money prompted me to settle being a Lady Bagger. I had to wear formal black pants and white shirt with colors on my face, as usual. I used to hit my own feet with the shopping cart's wheels and I got wounded by them almost everytime I went on arranging the carts. Unforgettable experience is during Auction for employees, wherein we got Supermarket items at the lowest possible prices, up to 80% off.

School Days.
And oh, how could I forget, being a Labandera (one who washes someone else's clothes) when I was in Fourth year College. I think , I did mention that mother did not entertain the idea of having me rent a bedspace near the university for financial reasons. When I reached my fourth year in College, I had to live with someone who had a PC, because I had to make computer programs almost everyday and I had no PC and no internet cafe's around our humble abode. I decided to live with my bestfriend in a pad so I could use her PC once she's done with her stuff. And because, the family's budget for me was low, I had to make money to cover up whatever amount was missing. I was paid P300/month for doing a boardmate's laundry and ironing them at the same time.

At the end of each payroll period, when I was working with SM, I used to bring a bag of grocery items needed at home and save a little amount for my so-called future. That's why my parents never had to give me a penny when I left for Japan.

Fun Over The Weekend

Did two exciting stuffs over the weekend- badminton and voice lesson. 

Badminton.  Our company held its first badminton tournament last Saturday, Sept. 17, 2005.  Four teams were organized to play mixed doubles (i.e. male & female in a team).  Teams were named as yellow, blue, white and red.  I played with Paul for the red team substituting an officemate who happened to have sinusitis the day before the tournament.  No fancy news really... just that we won over 3 more teams in a double elimination round.

Voice Lesson.  Sunday, I went to SM Mall to attend to my first voice lesson under Yamaha.  My coach's great.  We had breathing exercises, vocalizations, and of course, introductory singing.  It's fun and exciting.  I hope I would be a better singer after 12 sessions. 

Weekend's over.  Still, I wasn't able to study kanji when I knew I really have to.  Again, because my heart's not in it.

Back Then: Childhood Dreams

When I was a kid, I dreamt of
(Imagine the kind of life I had. My father is a carpenter. My mother is a housewife. There are 4 kids.)
(1) becoming a teacher. This is because the first profession I was exposed to was teaching.
(2) having a house that's made of stone and not of wood
(3) eating colorful and oishii foods. We used to have dried fish and veggies for meals.
(4) having enough money (We always ran out of this)
(5) having fancy clothes.
(6) peaceful family. Remember my dad used to drink alcohol and he's not earning enough and he used to consume all his money to alcoholic drinks with friends.
(7) having a fridge
(8) having a car

Life is compose of so many phases. As a child, I dream. While I grow up, I started make them real. Then, I dream more and strive to reach more.

A wooden house can become a cemented one. War can become peace. Dried fishes can become pork and beef. Some come so easily, some take years. Dreams can become real if you know well that life is not merely about sleeping and dreaming. It is about reaching them.

As years passed by I have made almost all of my dreams a reality, except that I still don't have a car and I am not a teacher but an Engineer. It pays to really know how to wait. It pays to be patient, look forward and see past what lies ahead. It pays to just embrace each and every day that comes- both rainy and sunny.

What lies beyond this horizon is not an empty space... it is the product of the efforts you exerted each day.

Sleep...dream...wake-up and see your dreams becoming real. This is all a cycle.

What I wrote once, I'll write again... Never stop dreaming unless you are ready to wake up and make them real.

There is really no answer to the question as to why you are here, unless, you create it yourself.

Strongest Storm So Far

"Will you go to the doctor? I've been worrying about your health", Mama keeps telling Papa.

A few times we told Papa the same thing. He refused to.

It's been more than 15 years since he experienced throwing out bloody bowels. He just said, it's ulcer. He's been taking medicines for that and yet he continues to drink alcoholic drinks, making the medicines of no use at all. He drinks. He smokes. These are his vices... those he couldn't live without.

Till it became more than just bloody bowels. He never gets to eat well for about 3 months. He vomits. He hates the smell of foods cooked in the kitchen when he always loves to eat adobo and almost anything fried. He even argues with mom cooking in the kitchen. He demands that mom do the cooking outside.

Weird.

We all insisted that he undergo a medical examination, alarmed that it's more than just ulcer.

He refused.

"Why?" We're all wondering.
"Wouldn't you wanna know what is it that you are experiencing?"
"Don't you want to get cured?"

Silence.

Well, we can't force him to undergo the examination.

Then came the time when he couldn't anymore convince his own self that it's just ulcer. He collapsed at work. And his workmates insisted that he go to the hospital and undergo laboratory examinations. Noticing that he lost weight as so visible in his appearance, he went to the doctor, alone, without telling my mom.

The next thing we knew he's diagnosed with liver cancer. The worst news in my entire existence. I guess, more worst for my mom. The ailment is on its third stage. Hopeless case.

I knew my mom was the most hurt person among all of us. She loves dad so much.... more than her own life. She prepares my dad's coffee, breakfast, lunch, dinner, toothbrush/toothpaste, underwear, towel, shirts and everything that my dad needs. She's like dad's slave. And she rejoices doing all that. Of course, plus doing her own kids' needs. (Taihen da ne).

We knew no amount of encouragement could ease the pain mom is experiencing. It even appears like she's more hurt than dad.

The doctor privately talked to mom about dad's condition- what is expected of him, things to be done, foods to be taken, medicine, number of months he is expected to live and the like.

Mom returned to our private room like everything is under control.

Then, TACE (Trans-Arterial Chemoembolization ) Chemotherapy for dad as we have agreed.

Dad was taken from his private room to a laboratory where a Japanese interventional radiologist would infuse him a chemotherapy drug.

Before we knew it, he's back to his room with a positive look but with blood on his laboratory gown.

Mom, worrying so much, cried at the sight of dad. And then asked him, "How was it?"."Was it painful." "How are you feeling now?".

Dad just said, "Let me eat first, I am so hungry". He was deprived to eat 2 meals prior to the therapy and all he said he was feeling after the procedure was aching of his stomach due to hunger.

After having his meal, he narrated how so tensed he was prior to the infusion and how well the radiologist did his thing. He was allowed to see the procedure before he was sent to sleep during the entire process. And he's positive that he's getting better because, the dark spots in his liver were almost completely erased. Poor dad. He never really realized that even the good/needed cells inside his body were killed by the infusion.

Then we went back home.

Dad caught fever.

I called his doctor. The doctor told me about fever being an ordinary side effect of the chemotherapy but if he vomits.... it is a dangerous case. I went straight to asking the doctor if dad is going to live longer.

"3-6 months". This was the reply I got. It felt like the whole world is upon my shoulder. I thought my dad's gonna recover from it but I was wrong.

"But I am not a god... I could not really tell. What I'm saying is based on experience and researches."

I immediately packed my things and left the office... secretly told my sisters about what I just learned. We're swearing to each other not to tell anyone... not even mom.

Later, we realized we had to tell mom. So we did. And as expected, my mom already knew it the day the doctor talked to her. Tears flooded again without my dad's knowledge.

We agreed not to tell dad. It will only make things worse. And he will only be discouraged. We tried hard to give him a positive atmosphere. We dined together. All of us, their children, went home the earliest possible time so we could dine together, watch tv and pray.

New foods for dad and the whole family. All veggies and almost zero meat and preservatives.

New routine for all of us- from waking up early in the morning, preparing his special foods and medicines, eating together green leaves and untasty soup, wheat bread, fresh milk, carrots... and yeah, all these stuffs, and returning home early without rendering overtime work when I normally do.

Several nights I cried... sleepless nights, in fact. Several incidents I caught mama in the CR crying. I knew all of us are hurting and worst, we had to hide the pain we're feeling. We were seemingly okay, but deep down each of our inner selves, we're all wounded.

Tried another doctor. Everyone hoping and clinging hardly to that hope.

I found myself crying in the middle of the task I make. I became less effective... too sickly to look at but pushing still.

Then came another series of lab examinations for another chemo session. Alas! The cancer was gone. Like magic? yes, like magic.

No one could explain why. Even the doctors were shocked.

But for us, there was no wondering why that happened. We embraced the good news. No questions asked, just gratefulness to all those who helped and prayed for my father.

Chemo. Medicines. Positive Atmosphere. Good food. Good sleep. No alcohol. No cigarette. Prayers. A combination of these works.

Dad gets back to work. All of us get back to our usual routine with all our senses back to its normal state. Sane again. All of us.

The strongest storm came into the very fascade of our lives. And we're glad it's over. Like a nightmare.

.

This is a true story, in case you're wondering. By the way, Papa had a Chinese doctor who gave him Chinese herbal medicines to help his good cells fight against the strong effects of chemotherapy. He had vitamins for his spleen, liver, and almost all his internal organs. I guess he's (the doctor) of great help. Almost all my dad's foods (including the whole family's) are half-cooked, if not raw. Never really tasty. I would like to thank my friends who have helped me maintain my level of sanity and who have prayed for my father's recovery. All glory to God. Difficulties are God's errands. When we are sent upon them, it is a sign of His confidence.

Oblivious Dad

I know it happened to you. A few times, maybe.... as it happened to me.

My dad and I were arguing about something. I could not really recall what exactly it was all about. All I know was that my dad refused to listen to me, telling me that I am unfair, selfish and all that. Then I tried hard to go explain my side, but he refused to listen, he shouted in order not to hear my voice and no matter how hard I shouted too to explain myself, I was just not audible. I did go on explaining anyway. But it was all useless. No one listened to me. No one could even hear me, in the first place. And all that's left for me to do was to cry. I pity myself for that.

Until my dad had finished his murmuring about me.

And I ceased crying. Not because the hurt subsided but because my tears ran out of stock.

There was bitterness inside of me. A perfect taste of it.

It's like lightning striking me... and I didn't have the least effort to defend myself. My back ached and so did whole body.

You know the feeling? when you've been wanting to shout but none would come out? when you want to explain but you don't know where to start? when you know you are right and yet, it seemed to them that you are wrong(est)? and what they are thinking just can't be erased because, you are given no chance to explain? because they think that they are right for they are older in age?

Why wouldn't dad listen to me? Why wouldn't he allow me to explain my side?

He should have, at least, spent a minute or two to listen to what I had to say. It would be fair that way. But to scold me with words without even giving me the chance to speak my mind is so so unfair. And it turned out that I was wrong. Although, I believe deep down inside that I have the most positive motive there is.

It saddened me. It pained my heart. It's like I was stabbed at all sides. And there was nothing left for me to do but, again, cry.

Why this thing?

I know, sometimes, people will never be able to understand you unless you speak your mind. But how else can I be understood if I couldn't even hear my own voice because there was no room for me to speak?

I went to my room and cried the hardest way I could. Alas! The tears were back again.... rolling down my cheeks... gracefully as they always do.

There were a lot of questions in my head. There were so much words to say. Not a single ear to listen.

Really, when it's your loved one who hurts you, the cut is much deeper. You do not expect them to hurt you badly, that's why.
Imagine an enemy refusing to listen to you and your father refusing to listen to you. Either way, it hurts. Sure, it does. But the gravity of the hurt differs. So what if the enemy never listens? We don't really care (that much). But if the father never listens... it's a pain. Have you ever realized that?

I cried even harder when I returned to the real world.

I was just dreaming. But I make sense, right? I sure do.

And my tears? They are real... up to the moment when I had all of my senses back and activated. It seemed like everything was real... like everything really did happen.

Kanji vs. Love

Alas, Friday is a non-working day, making my weekend longer than usual. Hoorah! time to stay longer in bed and hug my pillows and blanket. Really love spending longer holidays. Well, I guess, everyone wants holidays except, maybe, those who wanted to stay away from home for reasons that may involve family matters (or maybe high financial needs). I guess only those who wanted to escape from problems or people at home wanted to stay longer hours at work... although some others reasoned out that they love work than family (or home for that matter). Is that so? Well, it's not my case. I belong to the majority, I guess and I really look forward for holidays aside from the usual Sunday. I do not want a very long holiday though....because, it makes me even fatter and it makes me sick staying at home, doing, literally nothing but fix my room and start/shutdown my PC. But a sanrenkyuu (3-day holiday) is fine enough.

So, here goes my plans for the 3-day weekend:
(1) Play badminton - Friday
(2) Study Kanji - for the rest of the holidays

Like the sweeping of the wind, the 3-day holiday is over and what went done is only my task in (1). Really, it is true - when you love doing a thing, there's no pushing yourself into doing it... but when, you don't love doing such at all... like me studying Kanji... it's like I really have to push myself really hard just to force myself to do it. And as usual, I was not able to do it.

It's not really that I do not love Nihongo. I love it. In fact, I love communicating using the language. BUT... I hate kanjis (chinese characters). Maybe because I hate strokes. Damnn.... I don't really know why.

I wish I could find a way to make learning kanji exciting and fun. There I go again.... wanting and wishing everything to be fun and exciting... like dancing hip hop or playing badminton or climbing a mountain. Oh! and these are even harder than learning kanji, other people say. But hey, I'm just not fond of strokes. And I planned not to push myself hard to love it. It's not my passion and I can't force myself to like it.

It's like loving. You can't push yourself to love someone. You can only learn to love somone you are interested with. And i'm not interested at learning kanjis. No matter how I try. Kanjis are like persons.... they can't force people to love them, they can only be some things which can be loved and the rest is up to me to realize their worth. And unfortunately, I refuse to realize the kanji's worth. The saddest thing for them-kanji characters! Lol...

I wonder if I will regret this in the end..... i mean, like the feeling of realizing someone's worth when he/she is gone. LOL again! (Louder this time...)

Seems like I really don't know what I'm writing...

But you get me, right?

Truths About Life

(1) When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events- to teach you to laugh more, or not to cry too hard.

(2) You can't make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth.

(3) The measure of love is when you love without measure. In life, there are very rare chances that you'll meet the person you love and loves you in return. So once you have it, don't ever let go, the chance might never come your way again.

(4) It is better to lose your pride for the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride.

(5) We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.

(6) When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, you don't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook the excuses.

(7) Disappointments are like road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!

(8) When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better.

(9) No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

(10) God didn't promise days without pain, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

(^_^) wish to leave the office sooner. it's kinda late. as in LATE.